It's Not Weird, It's Just God

I Know A Secret

2012-01-29T09:22:00.001-05:00

It's pretty quiet in my house at the moment...a rare moment indeed. The girls are eating pancakes and watching cartoons, and Lewis (our puppy) is on his bed happily chewing on a new toy. I am also eating pancakes and trying to think of a reason why I shouldn't be completely content. After all, these are really good gluten free pancakes, if I do say so myself. The truth is, I've been thinking about the secret to being content in all circumstances and wondering why it's still so hard sometimes.

Paul said in Philippians 4:11-13, "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

When you read those scriptures, can you find the secret to being content? The secret is that we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength. We can draw on His power for strength and He will give us what we need in any circumstance. At times, I catch myself reverting back to my own strength. I try my plan first and when it fails, then I go to God for help. What can I say? I'm a dummy. No, I'm just human. I am a person who likes to solve problems, whether they be my own or someone else's. I don't like suffering, and I sure don't like watching other people suffer. So, if there's something I can do, I do everything I can to help the situation...but, here's my problem. What do I do when I've done all I can do and I still can't solve the problem? What do I do when I follow my Doctor's advice to a 'T' and I still have the problem? Even more, what do I do when I've gone to Jesus and I STILL have the same problem? Can I still be content? The answer is Yes!

Is it easy to be content when you are in pain? Let's be honest. No, it's not easy. But, it's possible. Am I saying you should be content to stay in pain? No! But you can be content in the pain. There's a big difference between being content while you're in pain and being content to stay in pain. I know when I wake up in pain every day that God is with me. I know that His grace is sufficient for me and that if I just keep breathing, he'll do the rest of what I need to make it through the day. I am content in his presence. As long as I know with all my heart that he is with me, which I do, then I know I'm going to be OK. I know that His power is made perfect in my weakness. However, I am not content to stay in this pain.

I know it sounds like I'm contradicting myself when I say that I'm content in pain, but I'm not content to stay in pain. God's will for us is to be healed and whole. He came to set us free from pain, but at the same time, he said we should expect it. These are some of the mysteries that I've been thinking a lot about lately. I will never attempt to "figure God out" because that would be impossible. But, I do want to continue to learn everything I can about his character, about how he operates. If I didn't spend so much time reading and learning about how much he loves me, I would be a really confused and depressed person. Because why on earth would a loving Father let his child suffer for so long? I used to ask that question a lot. I don't anymore. When you know that someone loves you so much that they would even let you continue to suffer if it meant that something really great was going to happen as a result, then you can be content in the suffering.

Romans 5:3-5 says, "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."

James 1:2-4 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

I think letting perseverance finish it's work is the hard part. When you're in pain and exhausted to your core, you don't want to persevere. You want to give up. But, victory is gained when you keep on going, keep on persevering, keep on trusting, keep on believing, keep on hoping...never give up!

A friend of mine posted the following picture on Facebook a couple days ago and it really sums up what I'm trying to say.

I don't want to be the person who gives up right before my breakthrough. I want to be the person on top who is charging forward, equipped with the tools that are going to get me to my treasure, my promise; full of hope and determination. Is the work easy? No way. Is it worth it? Absolutely. I am doing my best on a daily basis to be content in my circumstances, but not be content to stay in my circumstances. I know I will succeed because I know God is with me. I know he loves me, and that's all I need to know.

Smile

2012-01-18T12:29:00.000-05:00

Sometimes it's really easy to smile. Sometimes it takes everything you've got to make a smile happen. I sing this little song to myself when I need a reminder to smile. I thought I would sing it to you too, and I hope it makes you smile...

"This is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it!"

I CHOOSE to smile!

...And A Happy New Year!

2012-01-09T10:11:00.000-05:00

It's been several weeks since my last post. It's amazing how December flies by! Every year, for me anyway, December seems to go by the fastest. In some ways, I wish time would slow down at Christmastime. I have to admit that this year, I was kind of happy that it went by quickly. I was ready for the New Year. I kept thinking that if I could just get through the end of 2011 then I could breathe a sigh of relief. 2011 has been a rough year...one of the worst I've had. So, I was happy to say goodbye to it. However, a lot of truly wonderful things happened in 2011 as well. When I stopped to think about it last week, it became so silly to me that I was waiting for January 1st, 2012 in such anticipation. It's just a date on a calendar. The same issues I had at 11:59pm on December 31st, 2011 didn't magically disappear as soon as the clock struck midnight. It's a bit like the Cinderella story in reverse. She knew her wonderful, happy experience would end when the clock struck twelve. And here I was waiting for mine to begin when the clock struck twelve. It's just silly.

I don't think there's anything wrong with being filled with hope for a brighter future. We should be because we have a reason to be! I think we should all be hopeful and content wherever we're at. But relying on a date on the calendar to change your life is just crazy. That's why I never make New Year's resolutions. Not really anyway. I know that my willpower will be the same, my procrastination skills will be the same, my body will be the same, and that waiting for a certain date to make any changes in those areas is just crazy. If I really wanted to change, I should have done it prior to the New Year. We're not guaranteed tomorrow, so if there's something you want to change about yourself or your situation, and you have the power to change it, then what are you waiting for? Get on it! Don't take for granted that you wake up each morning with a new chance, but more importantly, new grace and mercy from God.

I had a dream last night that I almost died. I hate it when I dream things like that. It doesn't surprise me that I had funky dreams because I'm reading a book right now that will, in the end, be therapeutic. But right now, it's stirring up a lot of emotion and a lot of flashbacks from certain events in my past. So, I just have to get through the initial phase of this healing process and I know I'll be better when it's over. Besides, God is with me, and that's how I have complete confidence that this process is going to help me and not harm me. He led me to the physicians I'm seeing, who are helping me through this, and so I know that all is well. It is well with my soul.

I was really encouraged yesterday morning at church by a friend and pastor who I admire very much. God is so good and he knows when we need to hear an encouraging word. God uses people, he uses you and me to bless others. I have found that the easiest way to get out of my own funk is to call someone up and encourage them. It's always eye-opening when you listen to God and do what he says. It's not just a coincidence when He asks you to do something for Him and then you're totally blown away by the result of obeying what he told you to do and seeing someone completely blessed. If you're willing to be used to be a blessing to someone, then he will most certainly use you. But, you have to be willing whether you "feel like it" or not. It's usually the times when I definitely don't feel like it that He decides to use me. Because then, I'm operating in His strength and not my own flesh.

I feel like this post is a little rambley and disorganized. It's probably because that is how my mind has been for the last couple months. I have so many things rolling around in my head, and even though I know that writing them down will help, I've had incredible writer's block lately. Well, I'm determined to not let that continue. Writing is therapeutic, it's something I really love. So, it makes sense that I would be attacked in that area. What do you love? What's therapeutic for you? Do you find that "time-squashers" get in the way of you doing those things? I am realizing that I need to protect these things that I love to do and make sure that the time-squashers don't steal them away from me. Because, in a way, when I don't protect them I feel like I lose myself again. I don't want to lose "Tracie" anymore. It's easy to do when you're a Mom. It's easy to lose who YOU are. It's easy to let go of the things you love to make sacrifices for your family. However, it's really crucial that you don't let that happen. Take time for yourself no matter what. It will rejuvenate you.

Well, there is much more that I could say, I suppose. I'm very blessed to have a wonderful husband who has been there for me as I've been so scatter-brained lately. And I'm so grateful for my kids who remind me that life is much more simple than I try to make it sometimes. And I'm thankful for my crazy puppy who is a wonderful companion...most of the time. You know, like when he's not eating couch pillows, or picture frames, or my cashmere gloves. You know, things like that. :) I pray you all had a lovely Christmas and a very Happy New Year. I'm really excited for what this year holds. I already have a renewed sense of hope and can imagine myself completely healthy and free from pain. That is a miracle in and of itself. It begins in your heart, and complete dependence on the One who knows every hair on your head. Imagine where you want to be. Think about it, dream about it. Stay focused on the present, not the past, and always keep hope alive. The best is yet to come!

Pain Is Just Pain, Right?

2011-12-01T11:00:00.001-05:00

Someone said to me a long time ago, "Pain is just pain. Period. Pain takes on many things other than what it is when we attach negative emotions to it. Things like fear, anger, depression, anxiety, etc." I've been thinking about this a lot this week. It's one of those subjects that kind of makes my head spin a little bit. I think the reason is because, for me at least, pain is a cycle of all of those things and a vicious one at that. Pain in its true form really is "just pain". However, pain that is chronic begins to cause people to attach other things to it, emotional things. The area of the brain that processes emotion is very close to the area that processes pain. I'm now a firm believer in the doctors who discovered the "mind-body connection". Our minds and our bodies are very much connected. I'll give you some examples of how we can begin to attach emotions to our pain.

The first example would be a simple one. Let's say I slam my thumb in a door. I would usually have a reaction of, "Ouch! Dang, that hurts! (Or, depending on the injury, other words may come out. After all, I'm not perfect.) Anger is usually the first emotion, followed by annoyance at the fact that now I have to deal with the throbbing for a while and it will be at the forefront of my brain until the initial shock and pain begin to wear off. However, these are short-lived emotions because I know that my thumb will heal and it will feel better relatively soon. Things like fear and depression don't come into play here. I don't need to be afraid of the pain because I know exactly what is causing it and I know what will fix it. I also know that there is an end to it.

The second example is a little trickier. Let's say I break my arm. I may have the same reaction at first of some anger and annoyance, but it's a lot more painful than slamming my thumb in a door, therefore, other emotions may come into play. Things like fear..."What if the bone doesn't heal correctly? What if I need surgery? What if I lose mobility?" Questions like that. What if you had a special event planned that night and you can't go now because of your arm? What emotions might attach themselves to the pain? Anger, disappointment, depression (depending on how much I was looking forward to the event), etc. Beyond any immediate plans being ruined, now I have to wait for the bone to heal, which will mean that I will be impaired and inconvenienced for several weeks. However, these emotions are most likely going to be relatively short-lived as well because I know that I will be getting my cast off in a matter of weeks, maybe a couple months. I know that there will be an end to it.

The third example is the example of my life. The pain in my foot started about 16 1/2 years ago with a tiny stress fracture in the bottom of my foot. I went on a long and very steep hike and apparently my shoes weren't supportive enough to handle all the tree roots and rocks along the way. About a week after the hike, I was starting to not be able to walk very well, especially barefoot. It felt like there was a rock in the bottom of my foot underneath my third toe. So, I went to the foot doctor. He x-ray'd it and told me I had a stress fracture and that he'd give me a walking boot and some orthotics, along with a strong anti-inflammatory drug, and that I would be fine in 4-6 weeks. "Great! I thought." I was annoyed, yes. I was frustrated because it was my driving foot and I did a lot of driving for my job. It was very painful. But, aside from just the pain and frustration of it, there really wasn't any other emotions attached. I knew there would be an end. Or so I thought...

What has transpired over the past 16 years was beyond anything I ever expected to come from a stress fracture in my foot. The pain began to creep up into my ankle, then my calf, then knee, then hip, etc. Then it jumped over to my left foot and leg and up into my right arm and the side of my face. This process took years, but is now a daily part of my life. It's hard to explain the pain, but it resembles what I think it would feel like if an animal was gnawing on me, mauling me. The nerve pain is incredibly sharp and takes my breath away. I have constant spasming in my right foot, toes, and calf that began in 1997 and hasn't stopped since. Talk about annoying! When I'm "at rest" I still don't feel like I'm resting because my toes are moving non-stop. There are many other sensations that are almost impossible to describe, but all of them are pretty much like torture. I'm telling you this to show you how I've allowed myself to attach many emotions to the pain over the years.

Long-term pain is exhausting. Not just physically, but mentally as well. It's full of disappointment. I can't tell you how many things I've missed out on over the years...things that were incredibly important to me, and to the people I love. Things I felt were stolen from me...relationships, college, career, friendships, ministry opportunities, Christmas programs my kids were in, vacations, the list goes on and on. This type of continual disappointment led to major depression, which led to hopelessness and anger, which led to bitterness and resentment, and finally, grief. I wish I would have learned sooner how to live in the moment and just deal with the moment only instead of the past, the moment, and the future all in one. I'm still learning how to do that. It's really, really difficult.

We humans are future thinkers. We were designed that way. However, worrying about the future isn't in the plan. Planning for the future, being hopeful for the future, those things are in the plan. I think what chronic pain does is it makes the future uncertain. Fear of the future and the unknown begins to set in. It happened to me because something that I thought was going to have an end never came to an end, and it's still going strong all these years later. It didn't help when the doctors that I was expecting to have answers for me didn't have the answers I wanted to hear. Most of them didn't have answers at all. It took ten years for me to be diagnosed with what is now called Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. Once I was diagnosed, I was told that because it hadn't been caught in the early stages that there was nothing they could do for me other than strong pain medication, or a spinal pump, and even that wasn't guaranteed to provide significant relief. I was devastated.

I've said all of this to say, just be aware of your emotions when you are dealing with pain. Even something as simple as slamming your thumb in a door. The best advice I can give anyone in pain after dealing with pain for so long is to give everything to God, with thankfulness, every single day. If you have to give the pain to God 100 times a day because you keep trying to take it back on yourself, then so be it. I've said before that some things are much easier to cast at Jesus' feet and leave there than others. Pain that is intense and unrelenting is very hard to hand over at times because it's so "in your face". Yet, Jesus bore our pain on the cross. He bore the pain and the sin of the world so that we could be free from pain. So, know how much He loves you and give your pain to him to handle. I know I sure can't handle this pain on my own. I've tried and failed countless times. Also, know that the pain we experience here on earth WILL come to an end. Above all, stay close to Jesus and be in His Word as much as you can. It will strengthen you, encourage you, and remind you that you are not alone. No matter what you've been through because of the pain, no matter what you've lost, no matter the rejection you may have experienced, God is for you, He is with you, and He loves you. He says in Isaiah 41:9-10,

"I took you from the ends of the earth,
from its farthest corners I called you.
I said, ‘You are my servant’;
I have chosen you and have not rejected you.
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

My goal for 2012 is to remember that pain is just pain, and to not attach all these other negative emotions to it. Part of me thinks it's going to be a bit impossible because I'm a highly emotional person, but I'm sure gonna try my best. My other goal is to laugh as much as possible. I'm sure laughing through tears will be happening on a consistent basis, but hey, tears are always better with laughter mixed in. I will also be praying for those of you who are in pain as well. We are all in this life together, so let's encourage one another. And remember, everyone is going to be in pain at some point in their life, so be gentle with people. People in pain don't always look like they're in pain. Take it from a professional "game-facer"! Love one another and the rest will fall into place.

In A Pit?

2011-11-15T14:05:00.001-05:00

There are some days when I really wish I could kick my own self in the rear. I feel like this when I start to feel sorry for myself, or when I start to complain about how much my body hurts. Where is my hope? Where is my joy? Oh yeah, it's right here and I chose not to take it.  Does choosing hope and joy necessarily make all my pain disappear? Not usually...But what it does do is make the pain more bearable. It does that because it changes my attitude towards the pain. It's amazing that changing your attitude and what you "think" about your circumstances can be very healing.

November is a month for reflecting on what you are thankful for, however, I think this should be a 365 days a year reflection. Staying grateful keeps you out of the pit of despair.  Have you ever been in a pit of despair? A situation so deeply challenging that you feel like there is no way out? I have. It's a very tough place to be. When I find myself in these pits from time to time, there is a passage in Ephesians that gets me out of the pit every time. Here it is...

"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." ~ Ephesians 3:14-21

I love the commentary in my Bible... "God's love is total, says Paul. It reaches every corner of our experience. It is wide - it covers the breadth of our own experience, and it reaches out to the whole world. God's love is long - it continues the length of our lives. It is high - it rises to the heights of our celebration and elation. His love is deep - it reaches to the depths of discouragement, despair, and even death. When you feel shut out or isolated, remember that you can never be lost to God's love." When you are in a pit of despair, it's common to feel lost and isolated.  You feel completely alone in your circumstances. The truth is that you are never alone. Jesus is with you always, even in the pit, and he will get you out.

"I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
and put their trust in him." ~ Psalm 40:1-3

Waiting patiently while you are in the pit is hard. But, it's possible. Praising God while you are in the pit is hard. But, it's possible, and necessary. The more thankful you are, the easier it will be while you are waiting. You may think I'm crazy for saying these things. You may be thinking, "Are you kidding me? Why should I praise God that I'm in this horrible situation? You obviously don't know what I'm going through!" It's true. I don't know what you're going through. But I do know what I'm going through, and it's not easy.

Maybe it does sound crazy to praise God from the depths of your pit, but crazy or not, it works. All I'm asking you to do is try it. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. More than that, God deserves our best praise no matter what we're going through. It doesn't matter how deep your pit of despair is, you are not unreachable, and you haven't been forgotten. No circumstance will last forever. There is an end to our suffering. That's why we must keep a thankful heart. Someone will always be suffering worse than you. Be thankful for what you have and forget about what you don't have. And for goodness sake, don't wish that you had someone else's problems! It makes me sad when I hear people tell me that they wish they could trade their suffering in for someone else's. God gives each of us the ability to handle things differently than anyone else could. His grace is sufficient for you and he gives new grace and mercy for every day. He will never give you more than you can handle. So, trust him and rest in that. If you feel like you're in the pit, you won't be there forever. Just keep praising God every day. Stay thankful and pretty soon you will be standing outside the pit. And, finally, stay in the Word so you don't fall back in. :)

Before And After

2011-11-05T09:52:00.001-04:00

10 Days Ago...

Today I feel like a weary soldier. There have been many days over the past seventeen years that I have felt this way, but today is different. I am just plain exhausted. I am not much of a complainer, and I won't start now, but the truth is that I am in pain from morning until night every day. Somebody said to me recently that they were surprised I wasn't crazy by now. Frankly, I'm kind of surprised myself. :) Want to know why I'm not crazy? One word. One person. Jesus. He is the reason I am still alive. His help is what gets me through each and every moment of the day. Some days are better than others and I praise him for the good days. During the bad days (like today) I still praise him. However, I must admit that it's a lot more difficult on the bad days. I mean, can we be real with each other?

I am usually really good about fighting through the pain and getting done what needs to be done for the day. And, I can usually pull it off with a smile on my face. I don't keep a smile on my face to be fake. I am the furthest thing from fake. I genuinely want to smile at the people I see each day, so I do. At home, with my family, I still try to smile and not complain too much. But lately, I just haven't been able to hide the tears. For me, crying releases the stress that the pain causes. Unfortunately, it's been taking a toll on my kids. Yet, somehow I think that a deep compassion is growing in them. Not just for me, but for others who are hurting as well. I've been noticing that lately. They want to give their toys to kids who are sick.

I am reminded every day that God is at work through all of this. I kind of hope that whatever he's working on will be complete soon, but in the meantime I am trying to focus on the good things that are happening. Like the fact that my marriage is getting stronger because of this. And that my love for my kids grows deeper each time they write me a get well note, or draw me a picture, or wrap their little arms around me and rub my head while they tell me that everything is going to be OK. As much as I wish they didn't have a reason to do that, I cherish each of those moments. It helps to make the not-so-pleasant moments a little more bearable. Like when they are disappointed because I can't take them some place, or ride bikes with them after school, etc. It breaks my heart every time I see them disappointed. What's even more frustrating is that I do my best for them, but sometimes my best is just to snuggle with them on the couch and read books. What I am beginning to realize is that my kids are going to be just fine in spite of all this. I spent a lot of time stressing over what this is doing to them and wondering if they are going to be scarred for life. But, it does no good to stress about the future...

Today...

I didn't post what I wrote 10 days ago, and I'm not sure why actually. I think one of the kids needed something and I hadn't had time to spell check and edit, so I just saved it as a draft. But, now I think I know why I didn't post it. Nine days ago I went to a women's prayer group for the first time. Oh how I have missed being a part of a small group of women who pray for each other, and stick by each other in love and honesty. You seriously can't put a value on that. Anyway, these women (most of whom I didn't know very well, or at all) rallied around me as I fell apart and poured out my heart to them. I told them that I wanted to give up, and that I didn't have the energy to walk through the pain anymore. They prayed over me and listened to the Holy Spirit as to what He wanted them to tell me to encourage me. It was painful and refreshing at the same time.

Sometimes when God needs to do a deep work in your heart, there can be even more pain as things are brought into the light that have been hiding in the deepest, darkest part of your heart. Yet, as soon as the light hits it, that's when the refreshing comes. Once evil is exposed, it runs away from the light, from the truth. It can't live in the light. The trap of our enemy is to keep these things that are weighing us down in complete darkness so that we feel lost, so that we can't handle it anymore and want to give up. That's why it's so important for us to gather with people we can trust and admit that we need prayer. There is no shame in admitting that you need prayer. Even our pastor at church admits from the pulpit that he needs our prayers. It doesn't matter what your title, position, level of fame, level of intelligence, etc. is...we all need prayer. We all need to pray for each other.

On that day 9 days ago, God revealed things to me that I've been asking him to reveal for over 15 years. What a blessing! I still have pain, I still deal with the same issues I had before, but not nearly as intense as before. I know God is healing me. The evil that was trying to keep me in darkness and keep me blind to the things that needed to be exposed is now on the outside looking in. I have a new hope in my heart for my future, which I desperately needed. It's a lot easier to face pain when you feel like YOU have the upper hand, so to speak. The crazy thing is, I have had the upper hand all along! I just lost sight of that in the midst of suffering. I also have a new measure of joy from the Lord, which truly is my strength.

"Praise be to the LORD,
for he has heard my cry for mercy.
The LORD is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in him, and he helps me.
My heart leaps for joy,
and with my song I praise him.
The LORD is the strength of his people,
a fortress of salvation for his anointed one."
~ Psalm 28:6-8

I am grateful beyond words that the Lord is my helper. He doesn't leave me too long in the wilderness. I will always be in awe, and might I admit, slightly frustrated about His timing compared to my timing. :) I think the same could be said for just about everyone. We all would like our "rescue" to come a little sooner than it does at times. However, it's in the waiting to be rescued where our character is built. It's where our faith is tested. It's where our trust in God and His Word is strengthened...at least it should be. It's where the "rubber meets the road." It's where you find out who you really are. To quote my pastor, Steve Kelly, "Adversity introduces you to yourself." How true that is.

Along this journey of suffering, I haven't liked what I've seen in myself. Yet, how can you get to the good stuff until you get rid of the bad stuff? The key is to not give up when you see the bad stuff in yourself, but to keep going! Keep digging out the bad to make room for the good. Don't be afraid to be emptied by God, because He won't leave you that way. He will pour into us good things, shiny and precious things, that will fill us to overflowing so that we can share those things with others. When you see the bad stuff surfacing, ready to come out, let it out! Don't try to hide it anymore! Let the light hit it because once it does, it's gone. Just gone. God is not going to display our bad stuff in the light for all to see and condemn us for it. No! It hits the light and it's gone.

"You, LORD, are my lamp;
the LORD turns my darkness into light."
2 Samuel 22:29

"For God, who said, 'Let light shine out of darkness,' made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." ~ 2 Corinthians 4:6-9

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." ~ 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

What we go through in life is not a coincidence. The trials and suffering I've endured will be different from anyone else. The suffering you endure will be unique to you as well. There's a reason for that. God has placed each of us where we are to be a light to those who need Jesus. The people you can reach in your world are not the same people I can reach in my world. God will use the trials you've gone through to bless the people who need to be blessed by your story. Paul had faced sufferings, trials, and distress as he preached the Good News. But he knew that they would one day be over, and he would obtain God's rest and rewards. No matter what happens to us in this life, we have the assurance of eternal life, when all suffering will end and all sorrow will flee away.

In the meantime, while we are waiting for that glorious day, keep your heart open to God. Let him expose the darkness with the light of His love so that you can be filled with His power. Let your trials become your greatest testimony of God's love and faithfulness. He will never let you fall. He will rescue you at just the right time. Be patient. Be willing to go through the process of healing. Don't be in a hurry and miss the opportunities you have to grow while you are "in process." You will come out of your trial overflowing with the precious things that have replaced the ugly things, ready to share the love of God with those around you, and even those far away from you. Your testimony can change some one's life. Let it.

Getting Off The Boat Soon

2011-10-14T15:42:00.002-04:00

I want to thank all of you who have been praying for my health over the past year. It has meant a lot to me to know that I'm not alone in this journey. I have received a partial answer as to what is going on with the vertigo. In my last post, I described the testing procedures that were done to evaluate my inner ear. What the tests show is that I have something called Recurrent Vestibulopathy. It's similar to Ménière's Disease. Basically, I'm retaining fluid in the vestibular nerve in my left ear. Any time I get a cold or allergy symptoms, fluid builds back up in my inner ear and the vertigo never really goes away. It definitely explains why the vertigo started when it did and why it has been persistent for months. I have a couple treatment options and at this point I believe I am going to follow through with them. I'm praying for no side effects from the medication I'm supposed to take, and I also need to get a steroid shot in my ear. I'm not looking forward to it, but the Dr. tells me that it will shrink the inflammation and dry up the fluid, and that the vertigo should disappear. So, it will be worth it. I'm still waiting on the final report from the Dr. before I start the treatment because there may be another cause of the vertigo. My Dr. wants to wait until he has the final report from the audiologist because it seems that there is more to this than just the fluid issue. So, more waiting...my favorite. :)

I must admit, when I got the report I wasn't thrilled. I got an answer, but I didn't like the answer. I went on an emotional roller coaster for a day or so. First, I was thankful to hear that there is an end in sight for this dizziness. But then, when I realized that it's going to require more sacrifices, I started to feel a little down. The bottom line is that I am going to be fine. I don't have a life-threatening illness and I'm thankful for that. Having to change my lifestyle a bit isn't anything new...I've been doing that already. So why am I feeling down? I'm human I guess. I want to be "normal." There are many things I wish I could do, but I can't. So...I have two choices. I can keep feeling down and upset and not enjoy all the things I can do. Or, I can suck it up and just roll with it. I think I'll pick the second option.

Life is not always going to give us the answers we want to hear. It's up to us to decide what we are going to do with the information that's been given to us. "The hand we've been dealt" so to speak. There are many other people in my world and in our world right now that have far more difficult issues they are dealing with. My focus is going to be on praying for them and helping them in whatever way I can. It's amazing how much smaller our problems seem when we look at the bigger picture. That's not to say that our problems aren't real, or that they don't impact our lives greatly. But, having an attitude of gratitude is what's going to get me through each day I walk with pain. It's what will get us all through our difficult days. God never promised us that we would be free from sacrifice and suffering. What he promises is that he will be with us in the midst of it.

God is with me today, He will be with me tomorrow, and every day after that. That's all I need to know. I've said this before, but I will say it again. If I just keep breathing, I'll live to see a better moment, a better day, a better year. All I have to do is just keep breathing and trust God. (Very good advice given to me by my awesome Dad.) He started a good work in me and he will be faithful to complete it. I just have to let him do the work.

I will keep you posted as I get more answers. In the meantime, be on the lookout for my post that will say "I'm Healed!" 'Cuz I am. :)

"Sound Booth Moments"

2011-09-30T18:23:00.000-04:00

There will be times in your life when you will be tempted to think that God has forgotten all about you, or that He doesn't care. I'm here to tell you that I have been there, and it's a lonely place to be. But, I'm also here to tell you that even though I felt like God wasn't there, He was indeed with me the whole time. Sometimes God chooses to be silent. However, silence is not the absence of His presence. I call these silent times in my life "sound booth moments." I just came up with that phrase this afternoon.

This morning, I went to an audiologist to have balance testing done. The doctors wanted to test me to see if my inner ear is damaged or if there's another reason for the vertigo I've been dealing with these past seven months. The testing began with lovely computerized goggles strapped to my face to measure my eye movements. I had to follow a series of red lights moving this way and that along what looked like a very long, skinny plasma screen on the wall, using only my eyes, not moving my head. Easy, right? Well, I suppose once upon a time it would have been easy for me. However, for a person who's already dizzy, it was challenging. I then had to lie down flat, wearing the super sexy (and, might I add, heavy) goggles while the doctor blew pressurized warm air straight into my ear canal. The warm air was going to be done in both ears, followed by cool air in both ears. It didn't sound too terrible when he was describing what he was about to do. But let me tell you, if I would have known what was coming I don't know that I would have let the testing continue.  As if it wasn't bad enough wearing these heavy goggles, he then proceeded to lower a flap over the lenses that made my world completely pitch black.

Before he started the air, he told me that he needed me to keep talking during the test. "Me? Keep talking? No problem!" I thought. He told me he wanted me to say boys' names starting with A and try to get to Z, and that each time he did the air we would switch categories of things to name off, (girls' names, animals, places, etc.) Again, I thought, "No problem.  That's easy." So, he started with the warm air. I think I got to N during the first round of warm air in my right ear.  The test made me so dizzy and I could hardly concentrate. Apparently, that's the point of the test. The dizzier you become, the harder it is to think and concentrate on things that would normally be a breeze. They measure how your concentration is, along with your eye movements. Your eyes tell them a lot about how dizzy you are by how much they try to correct themselves even when it's pitch black. I got a little further up the alphabet during the second round of warm air in my right ear and thought, "OK, cool. It gets easier as you go along." Then he switched to the left ear.

It was much worse than the right ear, but still fairly tolerable once the flap was removed and the dizziness stopped. However, when he switched to the cool air, it was an entirely different story. I felt like Alice In Wonderland spiraling down the rabbit hole. I haven't been scared to the point of crying in a long time, but that did it for me. I only got to F, I think, on the first round. The second round, I got to C. I can't even describe the feeling, but my guess is that it would be similar to sitting in one of those rotating chairs that astronauts train in, completely blindfolded. Even though I knew that I was, in fact, in a solid building lying on a solid table, my brain couldn't rationally think that way. I was gripping the table, crying, and feeling really stupid. I was mostly feeling stupid because for the life of me, I couldn't think of an animal that started with the letter C. We had to keep moving, so we skipped several letters and finally he asked me to tell him about my kids. It was awful. (Not the telling him about my kids part. The dizzy part.) When the test was over I said, "Please tell me I'm not the first person to cry in here." The doctor assured me I wasn't and said I was lucky because he's had people vomit, hyperventilate, and have full-blown panic attacks from that test. After he told me that, I did feel lucky...and grateful that I inherited my Dad's iron stomach. Then, I wondered if the person before me had vomited on that very table recently...hmmm.

The next step was the hearing test. I thought it was going to be the simple "raise your hand when you hear the tone" test, but it was much more elaborate. I was put in a completely sound-proof room. They call it "the icebox." I don't know if I've ever been in a completely sound-proof room before. If I have, I don't remember. When I walked into the room, my hearing automatically changed. It was the first time I've ever been in a place so silent that all I could hear was the sound of my heart beating. We did the tone part of the test where I pushed a handheld button when I heard the tones. That was followed by repeating words that the doctor was saying as he started out at a normal volume and then brought it lower and lower. That was followed by repeating words that a man on a CD was saying. Then the doctor came in and put some kind of crazy headset on different points on my head and face and asked when the sound coming out of the earpiece was the loudest, and which ear I was hearing it from. I think there were a couple other things, but I can't remember at the moment.

The final step was to sit in a chair that not only moved from side-to-side, but also spun completely around. The chair was in what looked like a stand-up tanning booth with black walls. The doctor put three sticky pads on my temples and forehead and connected them to wires, then put a strap across my head to hold it still. He closed the door and everything was pitch black again. He then proceeded to move the chair from side-to-side, at different speeds, sometimes coming to an abrupt stop, then side-to-side again. I'm not sure if the chair actually spun all the way around but it sure felt like it. The "grand finale," as he called it, was a series of stripes that appeared on the wall of the circular booth. I guess only the lines on the wall were moving, but it felt like the chair was spinning as fast as it could to the left. It very much reminded me of the Teacup Ride at Disneyland, only I wasn't having fun. He told me the chair test wouldn't make me dizzy. He lied.  You know, like when you tell someone, "It won't hurt a bit!" even when you know that it might actually hurt very much. Anyway, once that was over it only took a couple minutes to feel back to "normal" again. I was done. I survived.

Back to the "sound booth moments" of life. Even though I knew the doctor was on the other side of the window, I still felt alone in that completely silent room. I wasn't sure what was coming next. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to hear certain things. I was straining to hear at times and all I could hear was the sound of my heart beating and the breath coming and going from my nose.  It made me think of the times in my life where I've felt like God was completely silent. Times where I was straining to hear His voice and, instead, was met with only the sound of the birds chirping outside, or the dishwasher humming. Every thought in my head seemed so much louder than usual. It seemed like I could hear every other sound except His voice. I felt like even if I was in a completely silent place, like a sound booth, I still wouldn't be able to hear him. The point is, when God is ready to speak he'll speak. Don't worry about straining to hear his voice. If he's trying to get through to you, he'll find a way. What we need to do is not be discouraged in the "sound booth moments." God may not speak to us right away, and he may not answer us when we want him to, but it doesn't mean that he has left us.

Isaiah 41:10 says, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." It's important that we make time to be "silent" before the Lord, especially if there is something we are really seeking him about. It may be impossible to be in a completely silent place, but God can and will speak to you wherever you are, no matter what you're doing, in His timing. If you find yourself in a "sound booth moment," just relax and know that even if you can't hear God, he's still there. Even if you can't see him, he's still there. Think of God as being "on the other side of the glass" just like my doctor was. I couldn't hear him, and there was a time when I couldn't see him, but I knew he was there and I knew he wasn't going to leave me in the sound booth any longer than was necessary. And if you find yourself feeling like you're spinning out of control down a rabbit hole, remember that the God who holds the earth in the palm of his hand is also holding you, and He won't let go.

Tonight, I'm Angry

2011-09-20T20:58:00.000-04:00

What I'm about to say may shock you. Listening to my 7 year old say her bedtime prayers tonight made me really angry. Now, let me explain. I listened to her pray her sweet prayers for our family and friends, and then the usual random things like for God to sew up her Lammy (her lovey), or just bring her a new one for Christmas, etc. But then she began to pray for me. What came out of her little heart broke my heart. She prayed for God to heal me so that I wouldn't have to lie on the couch anymore. So that I could go to Motorworld with her, and other fun places. So that I wouldn't have to cry so much anymore...and a few other things I can't even remember now because I had already started crying by that point. (While trying to hide it from her, of course, since she had just prayed that I wouldn't cry anymore.) Sigh. I didn't get angry until after I left her room.

I went in my room and lied down on my bed and this anger started to stir in me. Anger that is from a deep place inside of me. Anger that has been in my heart since I was 18 years old. Anger at pain. Anger at loss. Anger at rejection. Anger at fear. Anger at...so many things. I feel like I've been robbed of so much. If I'm really being honest here. Don't get me wrong, I am incredibly thankful and grateful for my life. I have much more to be thankful for than not. This is not a pity party and it's not to get people to feel sorry for me. I'm just exercising my freedom to write down what I feel and share it with people who want to read it. The only reason why I share my feelings and parts of my story is because of the hope I have that someone will read it and be encouraged by it. Or at the very least, that they will be able to relate to it in some way and know that they are not alone.

I have been in pain almost every single day for the last 17 years. When I really sit and think about that, I'm kind of amazed that I'm not a total nut case by now. I remember how angry I was for so long. Angry at what? A lot of things, I guess. The devil, for one. I know he's played a major part in this area of my life. Myself. For not realizing sooner some of the things I know now that could have saved me years of grief. My boyfriend of almost 3 years, who broke up with me because I couldn't mountain bike with him anymore. My first husband, for publicly humiliating me when I was in pain, among many other abusive things. My friends, who abandoned me because I couldn't go out with them anymore. The loss of a college education, because I couldn't walk across campus or sit in a classroom to focus because the pain was so bad. The doctors, who didn't have a clue what to do with me and told me it was all in my head. The list goes on and on.

Tonight, I am not angry about any of those things anymore. I have long since forgiven the people who have hurt me, and everything else regarding those issues has been resolved. Tonight, I guess I am angry at the situation. I'm exhausted. I'm frustrated. I'm done with this. Having said that, because I'm not actually "done with this", I know that my job is to keep going, no matter how difficult it is. My job is to stay thankful and grateful for all of the blessings in my life. But can we keep it real for just a sec? In the words of my amazing Dad this morning, "I'm a Christian, but I'm also human." In my humanness, I'm angry. I don't want to be in pain anymore. I don't want to have vertigo anymore. I want to get on with what God has called me to do. I want to be a Mom that can take my kids anywhere they want to go. I want to be a wife to my husband; one that doesn't fall asleep on the couch every night at 8:00. I want to snowboard with him, and maybe even water-ski someday. I want to go hiking (if I can find some real mountains around here.) Most of all, I want to fly to Honduras and meet the little girl that I have been sponsoring for 8 years. I want to hug her and tell her how often I think of her and her family. I want to go on missions to rescue young people from sex trafficking. There are so many things that I want to do, but can't. Yet.

This anger that I'm feeling is going to be fuel that ignites an even deeper passion to do all that I can with the resources I have while I'm waiting for my healing to come, because it is coming. I can still use what's in my hands, even if it's not what I want at the moment. Paul says in 2 Corinthians 4:16-18, "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us and eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." There have been many times over the past 17 years when I've just wanted to lie down and quit. Just give up. I've never been able to do that though because that would mean I'd be giving up on God. He's never given up on me, so I will never give up on him. Paul concentrated on experiencing the inner strength that comes from the Holy Spirit. He didn't let pain, fatigue, or criticism force him off the job of serving the Lord, and neither will I.

Anger is not an emotion that you want to hang onto for long. However, in my case tonight, I'm going to put it to good use. I'm going to turn up the heat on the devil and make sure he knows just who he's messing with when he messes with me. I am a child of God. He messes with me, he messes with God. Just like when someone messes with my kids, they mess with me. And you can guarantee they won't get away with it. I am going to get up every day and put on the armor of God, because I will need it. "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand." ~ Ephesians 6:12-13. Later on, in verses 19 & 20, Paul says, "Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should." I am amazed at his words. He was in prison, yet he was undiscouraged and undefeated as he wrote those powerful words to the Ephesians. He didn't ask them to pray that his chains would be removed, but that he would continue to speak fearlessly for Christ in spite of them. I'm not in physical chains right now, but I do feel like I'm chained to pain. However, God can use us in any circumstance to do his will. Even as we pray for a change in our circumstances, we should also pray that God will accomplish his plan through us right where we are. I know his eternal purpose, and that is what is getting me through nights like tonight.

Who's Been In Your Seat?

2011-09-15T21:18:00.003-04:00

Written September 8th, 2011

Last night, I was reading through my Facebook page kind of quickly. I just wanted to scan for a few updates from friends regarding if they'd had their baby yet, if they arrived safely home from their vacation, how they were feeling, etc. As much as I sometimes shake my head at the fact that Facebook is where I find out about such news, it is what it is and I'm grateful for the connections I've made because of it. Let's face it, most of us don't have time to pick up the phone and call twenty of our friends each day to find out how they're doing. As much as I would love to be able to do that, it's just not possible. When I'm doing the Facebook "just-the-facts please" scan, I usually skip over the other things that are in my News Feed such as videos, articles, notes, etc., but last night there was a video that caught my eye. I scrolled past it thinking that I would remember which friend posted it and watch it later if I had time. Well, something compelled me to go back and watch it right then. The video was titled, "In My Seat."

Although I have watched many videos about September 11th, I had never seen this one. This particular video is the story of an American Airlines pilot, First Officer Steve Scheibner, who was supposed to have been the pilot on American Airlines Flight 11, the first plane to hit the North Tower (Tower 1) of the World Trade Center. He had checked into the computer system as the scheduled pilot and packed his bags. All he was waiting for was the confirmation phone call from the airlines. He never got the call. He found out that another pilot had taken his place and he didn't have to go on the trip.

Originally, I wasn't going to write this article on the subject of September 11th. I think mostly because it stirs up many emotions in me that are very hard to deal with, even though it happened ten years ago. There are images from that day that will never leave my mind.  Images that shook me to my core. However, when I watched this video, I didn't get discouraged, I got encouraged.  This man gave glory to God. The part of the video that struck me the most was when he said that twenty years ago, he wrote a life objective. This is his Life Objective..."To seek, trust, and glorify God through humble service and continual prayer. To raise up qualified disciples as quickly as possible. So that one day I might hear God say, 'Well done, my good and faithful servant.'" He wrote that years before the planes crashed into the twin towers.

I wonder how many of us have had someone else "take our seat." The seat that we were supposed to be in, the flight we were supposed to be on, the road we were supposed to take, the building we were supposed to go into... There have been times when I've had my plans all set to be somewhere at a certain time, but life got in the way. I spilled my coffee as I was walking out the door and had to go back in the house to change clothes, or one of my kids threw up as we were about to leave and I had to cancel my entire day of plans. I was really annoyed at the time, until I found out about a huge accident that happened not ten minutes after we were originally supposed to leave. The chances would have been very high that we would have been in the accident.   Now, when things like that happen, I may still be annoyed, but I thank God for whatever the reason is for the delay. Because it very well could be His protection once again.

There was a time when I was living in Denver, Colorado and I was driving on the freeway to church one Easter Sunday morning. It was a very bright day and the sun was shining directly into my windshield, just low enough where the visor couldn't cover it. I had sunglasses on, but it was just too bright to see clearly. I was driving along in the middle lane not really thinking about anything in particular when all of a sudden, I came around a corner and saw a car driving straight towards me in my lane. It took me a few seconds to realize what was happening and I swerved into the right lane just in time to look in my rear view mirror and see that car hit the car behind me head on. I screamed out and pulled over to the shoulder as fast as I could and cried.  That could have been me, and nearly was. I found out later that the man driving toward me was an elderly man who had had a heart attack and his car drifted out of the HOV lane and into oncoming traffic.  The people in both cars died instantly.

Who's been in your seat? Have you ever thought about it? Why does God take one life and leave another? These are questions we may never have answers to. We trust God that he knows our name. He knows how many days we will have on this earth. We are not to worry about things that are out of our control. Steve Scheibner said that the events of September 11th intensified his Life Objective. He's acting like he's living on borrowed time, because he is, and he's going to live his life with a sense of urgency. We are all living on borrowed time. The events of September 11th remind us of that. They remind us that life is fragile and that unexpected and terrible things happen. However, they should also remind us that God is still in control. There are thousands of stories of people who were supposed to be in the twin towers that day, or on the flights that crashed, but because of different circumstances they weren't. Someone else was "in their seat."

There were many different emotions that circulated around the events of that fateful day in September of 2001. People asked me, "What kind of God do you serve that would allow something like this to happen? How can you call him a loving God? Where is he as these people are jumping from the buildings?" I must admit, at the time, I didn't know how to answer them that would satisfy them in their grief. The shock and the pain was too much for them to absorb.  Yet, in the midst of all the grief and pain, a revival began to break out in the days and weeks following the attacks. America came together in unity. With as many people who were angry at God, many people turned to God. Churches were flooded with people looking for answers and comfort. Neighbors began talking to neighbors. People began helping strangers and showed kindness like they never had before.  Many good things came out of this terrible tragedy. I pray that now, more than ever, that revival would break out again. That people would turn to God like never before, realizing that they are indeed living on borrowed time.  The great revival that happened around September 11th did what all revivals do. It slowed down over time as people moved on with their lives. People got "tired of hearing about it" every year.  I pray that we never get tired of hearing about it. I pray that we will honor and remember every single person who perished. Not just in the planes and towers, but all the firefighters, policemen, and everyone on the ground, our military, who have been serving and fighting diligently ever since to bring to justice every evil person responsible for these lives lost. Let us not return to our foolish ways, and let us not become "familiar" with these events to the point where we are numb and purposely ignorant. Now is the time for revival to come again!

Psalm 85:8-13 says, "I will listen to what God the Lord will say; he promises peace to his people, his saints - but let them not return to folly. Surely his salvation is near those who fear him, that his glory may dwell in our land. Love and faithfulness meet together; righteousness and peace kiss each other. Faithfulness springs forth from the earth, and righteousness looks down from heaven. The Lord will indeed give what is good, and our land will yield its harvest. Righteousness goes before him and prepares the way for his steps." The psalmist was asking God to revive his people, bringing them back to spiritual life. Revival starts with us, in our heart. Ask God to give you a fresh touch of his love. If we want to see revival in our nation then it has to begin with us, as individuals. Nothing is impossible for God. He can and will revive all that has been lost. You have to choose to accept his love. Even if you feel like you don't deserve it. Guess what? He loves you anyway and there's nothing you can do about it. So, let us remember who is the Author of our faith, who is in control of our lives. Let us not return to our foolish ways. Let us proceed with faithfulness toward the cause of his Kingdom, to tell others about Jesus and to help them grow in their faith so that the gospel can reach the world. Let us prepare the way for the Lord because He is coming soon. Let us never forget the events of September 11th, but let them be a reminder that even in the midst of tragedy, evil, and chaos, God was there.

I pray that our Life Objective will be similar to Steve Scheibner's. ..."To seek, trust, and glorify God through humble service and continual prayer. To raise up qualified disciples as quickly as possible. So that one day I might hear God say, 'Well done, my good and faithful servant.'"

I highly recommend that you watch him tell his story. I've posted the video below. Maybe you haven't known someone personally on this earth who has "been in your seat," but let us always remember the One who has been in each of our seats, and that is Jesus Christ, who died for each and every one of us. If you have never received Jesus as your Lord and Savior, now is the time. All you have to do is say this simple prayer, and He will hear you. “Father, I know that I have broken your laws and my sins have separated me from you. I am truly sorry, and now I want to turn away from my past sinful life toward you. Please forgive me, and help me avoid sinning again. I believe that your son, Jesus Christ died for my sins, was resurrected from the dead, is alive, and hears my prayer. I invite Jesus to become the Lord of my life, to rule and reign in my heart from this day forward. Please send your Holy Spirit to help me obey You, and to do Your will for the rest of my life. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.”

This article is featured in the September issue of Surrender Magazine. Check it out!

Unacceptable

2011-09-10T18:06:00.000-04:00

Do you ever feel unacceptable? Like you've messed up so badly that there's no way you could ever recover, or make it up to the person you hurt? I have. And even though I haven't consciously been feeling that way lately, apparently I have been feeling it on a subconscious level for many years. Wanna know how I know that? Because I just burst into tears over this one sentence in the commentary of my Bible. "We approach God, not because of our own merit, but because Jesus, our great high priest, has made us acceptable to God." I didn't realize until I burst into gut-wrenching sobs that this has been something I have been holding deep inside myself for many, many years. I haven't felt truly acceptable to God because of things that I did in my past; mistakes I made that were, to me, so terrible because I had broken vows I made to God. I didn't make the vows with the intention of breaking them, but because I am human, I fell into temptation and sinned. You may be thinking, "What's the big deal? So you sinned? So what. God has already forgiven you." I know all that is true, but it doesn't do my soul much good if I haven't truly forgiven myself and if I haven't truly accepted his forgiveness.

How silly does it sound to ask someone for forgiveness, they truly forgive you, you know they've forgiven you, but you still feel unacceptable to them? What happens when that happens? You begin to strive, not in a good way, to feel acceptable to that person. You put all this pressure on yourself to be some sort of "perfect" person to overcompensate for the guilt and shame that you still feel deep inside. You have to be the best at everything you do. For me, it was to be the best employee, the best girlfriend, the best wife, the best Mom, the best friend, the best sister, daughter, grand-daughter, church volunteer, etc., etc., etc. It's not a bad thing to strive to do your best, when it's for the right reasons. However, I've been striving to be acceptable to God when, in fact, I have been acceptable to him all along.

The passage of scripture I was reading before I read the commentary was John 16:16-33. It was just a few hours before Jesus was going to be tortured and then nailed to the cross to die, and he was talking to his disciples. They were having a hard time understanding what Jesus meant when he said, "In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me." Jesus explained to them that this was their time of grief, but that he would see them again and they would rejoice, and that no one will take away their joy. In verse 23-24 he said to them, "In that day you will no longer ask me anything. I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete. Though I have been speaking figuratively, a time is coming when I will no longer use this kind of language but will tell you plainly about my Father. In that day you will ask in my name. I am not saying that I will ask the Father on your behalf. No, the Father himself loves you because you have loved me and have believed that I came from God. I came from the Father and entered the world; now I am leaving the world and going back to the Father."

Jesus was talking about a new relationship between us as believers and God. Previously, people approached God through priests. After Jesus' resurrection, any believer could approach God directly. Hebrews 10:19-23 says, "Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."

When Jesus died and rose again, he broke all the barriers between us and God. We are free to pray to God any time we want. Not only that, but we are to draw near to him with our hearts full of faith that when we ask him to forgive us, he really does forgive us. That's it, the end. Micah 7:18-19 says, "Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea." When God forgives us, he forgives us completely. It doesn't mean that there won't be consequences for our actions, depending on what we've done. However, no matter the consequences we have to face, we can have confidence knowing that we are OK with God. It may take years to make things right with another human being, but not with God. God delights to show mercy. He is glad when we repent and offers forgiveness freely to those who ask. We need to know that as important as it is to believe that God truly has forgiven us, it's just as important that we also forgive ourselves. We must not be too proud to accept God's free offer. When we do that, it cheapens what Jesus did on the cross for us. To me, that is unacceptable.

Even though I have known all these things to be true, for some reason I have been holding on to guilt and shame that I should have let go of the very instant I prayed for forgiveness many years ago. In fact, I'm sure I thought that I had because it's not like I've been dwelling on my past sins all these years, on a conscious level anyway. But, I know there's an issue when I burst into tears over a single phrase, "...Jesus, our great high priest, has made us acceptable to God." I don't have to strive to make myself acceptable to God. I already am because of what Jesus did on the cross. Of course, I am still going to live a life that is pleasing to God to the best of my ability, but not with the same drive behind it...like I'm trying to make something up to him. No, out of a surrendered heart and a desire to do His will, because I love him. Because He loves me.

In My Seat

2011-09-07T19:33:00.001-04:00

A Pilot's Story from September 11th

Are You a Page Turner, or a Dust Collector?

2011-08-15T18:54:00.002-04:00

Many of you have probably heard the quote, "You may be the only Bible some people will ever read." I've been reading a lot of people's responses to that quote. Some say it's a good reminder that we, as Christians, need to live our lives as an example of Jesus Christ. Others say they don't want that burden on their shoulders and ask how we could possibly be an example of Jesus every single day in every single situation. As cliche as the quote may sound, it's the truth. I think we forget sometimes that there are people all around us who have never heard about Jesus. Maybe we forget about them because we are so used to being a Christian, or maybe we are so busy hanging out with other Christians that we can't see past our own little circles of friends. We go to church every Sunday, we listen to Christian music and go to bible studies, we think that the only people who have never heard about Jesus must live in some remote village in a third-world country... Please do not misunderstand me. It is good, and necessary, for Christians to be around other Christians. We need to be a part of a local church. There is much power in the local church. However, WE, as Christians, ARE the church. We are representatives of Jesus Christ inside, and most especially outside, the walls of our church buildings.

I think if we asked around, we would be surprised by how many people in our own neighborhoods have never heard about Jesus. Or, maybe they have heard about him, but just because someone has heard about Jesus doesn't mean that they know who He is. We need to show them who he is, and the best way to do that is with our lives. You don't have to preach at people. That usually doesn't do any good. It's about living a life above the world's standards. It's showing love and exercising self-control when we really want to scream at someone. It's helping the woman in the grocery store line who is juggling four kids and a cart full of groceries. It's taking the time to encourage someone you don't even know who looks like they're having a really hard day. It's leaving your circle of friends to go and talk to the person sitting alone in the corner. Jesus was friends with the people who needed friends. They were the people who were despised by many, rejected, alone. Those were the people who needed him the most. Being a Christian is many things, but the main thing is showing love. It must always be about love.

The dictionary defines a “Christian” as: a person who exemplifies in his or her life the teachings of Christ. If we are going to live as Jesus lived, then we need to know how he lived. The only way we are going to learn about him and know him better is to read His Word and spend time with him every day. It's like an actor who is going to play the part of a character in a true story. The actor spends hours studying the character they are going to be playing. They try to "get in their shoes" and find out about the life they lived. If that person is still alive, they meet with them and spend a lot of time with them. They want to accurately portray the role they are going to be playing. They respect the role, and want to bring honor to that person's life. I would think especially if that person is still living at the time the movie is released. It's the same way with Christians. If we are going to accurately portray Jesus, then we need to spend time getting to know his character. We can't demonstrate what the Bible teaches if we don't know what it says. I think that's the main reason why Christians are given such a bad name sometimes. We are called hypocrites and hear phrases like, "Well, that wasn't a very 'Christian' thing to do." I don't want to be a hypocrite. I also know I will never be perfect. I will never show the love of Jesus as perfectly as Jesus himself. So, where's the balance? How do we live the life of a Christian, but without all the pressure? How do we tell others about Jesus?

Jesus says in Matthew 5:14-16, "You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven." If we are living our lives for Jesus, we will shine like lights, showing those around us what Jesus is like. People can tell when you have the joy of the Lord inside of you. When you truly grasp your salvation, you can't hide the joy and peace that will come out of you, and you can't help but to want to tell other people what Jesus has done for you. It's like getting a new car, or finding the best restaurant, or getting really amazing news. You are so excited that you have to tell someone about it. You get on the phone and tell all your friends your news, you drive your new car straight to work to show it off, you invite your friends to your new favorite restaurant and tell them they just have to come because you know they will love it too...That's how it should be when it comes to telling people about Jesus! There's no pressure when you're excited about something. You don't feel like you have to tell people about something when you're excited. You want to tell them.

All we have to do is tell them and leave the rest up to Jesus. You can't save people, only he can. See? No pressure! It's not your job to save them. The Holy Spirit will lead you and guide you when it comes to talking to people about Jesus. He doesn't want you to blow it any more than you do. He will set up what I like to call "divine appointments" where you will just know in your gut that it's the right time to tell someone about him. Don't let those moments pass you by. Sure, maybe God will use someone else to tell them if you chicken out. But, there's a reason why he wants to use you. Jesus is coming back and nobody knows when. We can't deny the signs that the time of his return is growing ever near. So, what are we going to be doing when he returns? What will be doing in the meantime? As Christians, we have the hope of an eternal life with him after our lives on earth are over. There are so many people who have no hope at all. They think that this is it. How sad! We have the hope that they need! We know what is waiting for them if they choose to accept Jesus. We need to share our hope with a world that has no hope. We need to wake up, be bold, be confident in who we are in Christ and forget about the pangs of rejection we may experience.

1 Peter 4:7-11 says, “7 The end of all things is near. Therefore be alert and of sober mind so that you may pray. 8 Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. 9 Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. 10 Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms. 11 If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.” Peter goes on to say in verses 14-19, “14 If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you. 15 If you suffer, it should not be as a murderer or thief or any other kind of criminal, or even as a meddler. 16 However, if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name. 17 For it is time for judgment to begin with God’s household; and if it begins with us, what will the outcome be for those who do not obey the gospel of God? 18 And, ‘If it is hard for the righteous to be saved, what will become of the ungodly and the sinner?’ 19 So then, those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good." Peter tells us in these scriptures how to live as a Christian, and to continue to show the love of Christ even if we are made fun of and rejected.

I used to have to make cold calls for a real estate agent I worked for. I hated it. He knew how hard it was for me, so he made up a motto and taped it to my phone. The motto was, "Some will, some won't, so what?" It helped me so much. It helped to take away the fear of rejection. Some people will accept Jesus and some won't. That choice is up to them. I know a lot of people who are sure glad someone gave them that choice. We also have the choice of whether or not we are going to tell them about him. I tell my kids all the time, "Here are your options, now make a good choice." I'm going to take my own advice and make the choice to tell as many people about Jesus as I can. Not in a super-spiritual, hokey, preachy kind of way, but in a way that has them saying, “I want what you have.” I want my light to shine so bright that people see it and want to know what it is and how they can get it. The love of Jesus speaks for itself. So, let's let it speak! Because, as a fellow blogger said, "After all, you may be the only example of Jesus they will ever meet. So what kind of Bible are you going to be? A worn out old page turner or an irrelevant dust collector? The choice is up to you. Don't let them down."

This post was featured in the August issue of Surrender Magazine. Check it out at http://www.surrendermagazine.com/.

Taking A Break...

2011-07-31T21:32:00.000-04:00

I've been taking a break for the past two weeks...a break from writing, Facebook, Twitter, and email that isn't needing my immediate attention. Sometimes it's really good to slow down and simplify your life a bit. I have needed some time to focus on the Lord and really seek Him on some issues in my life. The "noise" that was a part of my day needed to be turned off so that I could hear the Lord clearly. I have enough "voices" in my head as it is! Let alone the voices of all my online friends. (Please don't be offended. I love you all.)

I knew it would be difficult to be off of Facebook and Twitter. I really enjoy them both. However, they were taking up a lot of my time and frankly, as much as I enjoy reading about my friends' lives, it was getting to the point where my mind was consumed with everyone else's issues and problems and I couldn't focus on my own issues and problems. Does that make sense? I get very emotional when it comes to my friends and family. When they are hurting, I am hurting. When they are frustrated and having a hard time, I want to help them in some way. It's not a bad thing, but it can be if I get too emotionally involved in other people's lives to the point where it's bumming me out and placing a burden on me. This is something that I struggle with, so I knew I had to take a break for a while and get my focus back.

I have really missed the daily chatter and the socialization. I dislike not being "in the know." Yet, it has been surprisingly freeing not to have all the constant interaction. I've gotten a lot done around my house and have spent way more time with my kids and more time reading and catching up on things. It has also been easier to pray and talk to God throughout the day because the distractions are minimized. I won't be off of Facebook and Twitter forever, but the time I spend on them will be much less. I know that for sure.

Is there anything distracting you right now? Do you need to take a break? Even Jesus went away to be alone at times. As much as he loved his disciples and his followers, there were times when he just needed to be alone. In Matthew 14, Jesus learned that John the Baptist had been killed and he went away by boat privately to a solitary place to be alone. Sometimes we need to deal with our grief alone. However, Jesus didn't dwell on his grief, but returned to the ministry he came to do when he saw the large crowd that had followed him. It says in verse 14 that when he landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed all their sick. Later in the chapter is where he performs the miracle of feeding the five thousand (which was probably closer to ten to fifteen thousand when you include women and children.) Even though Jesus really wanted some time to get away and be alone, he took care of his followers because they needed him.

Immediately after feeding all of the people, Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. As it says in verse 23, after he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Jesus always made room in his busy schedule to be alone with his Father. It was vital to his ministry that he spend time alone with God, just as it is vital to our lives and our ministries. It's OK to take a break. The world will keep on going while you take time out to have your devotion time with the Lord. Solitude is necessary when it's for the right purpose.

There are times when it's good to be alone, as long as you don't stay alone for too long. We need the companionship and encouragement from our friends and families and we also need to be aware of what's going on in their world so that we can, in turn, be an encouragement to them. We also need to make sure that we are still going to church and that we don't let anything become an excuse for staying away from God's house. Taking a break for a Sunday or two to go on vacation or a weekend getaway is one thing. But taking a "break" from church for several weeks in a row is not the way to go. Let the Holy Spirit guide you when it comes to taking a break. He will let you know when it's time to be alone, and when it's time to get back into the swing of things again. Originally, I was planning on being back on Facebook and Twitter tomorrow, August 1st. However, I still feel that I need some more time to continue seeking God right now.

Until I am settled in my spirit that I've heard what I need to hear, I am going to continue to minimize distractions. I am still available if people need me...I'm not taking a break from helping people or praying with them. I just may not be as "social" yet. Think about the things that may be distracting you. There really is freedom in taking a break.

Make A Wish

2011-07-15T15:35:00.000-04:00

I'm going to be 35 years old tomorrow. Do you ever have those moments where your age just kind of hits you in the face? I'm not saying I'm old, but I think this birthday is hitting me a little harder than in the past. Maybe because I thought by now that I would have accomplished certain things, and I haven't...yet. I remember when my parents were 35. Now, that's weird. I was 14 years old. Our family went through some major heartache at that time and I remember watching the agony that my parents went through. In truth, if I had the kind of pressure on me right now that my parents had on them, I'm not sure how I would handle it. My parents were very strong and amazing people then, and they are even stronger and more amazing now. My girls may not remember what I am like right now, but in all honesty, I kind of hope they don't.

This has been a very rough year for me. I won't bore you with the details, but there have been way too many times when my girls have seen me cry...and way too many "get well mommy" cards given to me by my babies, especially Hailey. It has broken my heart time and time again when they have asked if I will take them to the park, or the mall, or anywhere, and I haven't been able to. I have seen and felt their disappointment. The same goes for my wonderful husband. He is amazing and I am so thankful for him. He takes care of me no matter what and truly lives up to the "in sickness and in health" part of our wedding vows. The same also goes for my friends. They have been such a support to me as I've battled with all these physical issues. They have brought meals, watched my girls, picked them up from school, sent me cards, stopped by with flowers, left gifts on my doorstep...the list goes on and on. I am so grateful for them. My parents and sisters and extended family have also been incredibly supportive from afar. They pray for me on the phone and make me laugh. They send me cards to let me know I'm in their thoughts and prayers. I love my family and I love my friends. But, no matter how much my family and friends support me, I want this to be over. That's just the honest truth.

I am thankful for what the Lord has been teaching me, and I will continue to praise him no matter what comes my way. I will always trust him. Sometimes it's easy to be brave and put on a happy face, and other days it's pretty dang hard. I made a decision last fall that I was going to be honest with my friends about what I've been dealing with. For the most part, I think it was a smart move. Why lie to people? There are those who know the details and those I've chosen not to share a lot with, but people deserve the truth. They deserve to know what you're going through, especially if they ask how they can pray for you. Tell them how they can pray! You don't have to give all the details, and you don't have to go around talking about your problems to everyone you meet. But tell the people you're close to how they can pray. They're asking because they care about you. And let the other people know the gist of what's going on so that they don't come to their own conclusions. I've learned that lesson the hard way.

I will blow out some candles on my gluten and dairy free birthday cake tomorrow and make a wish. They say if you tell your wish it won't come true, but I will tell you what I'm wishing for anyway. I wish for the day when I wake up with no pain and no vertigo. I wish to be able to take my kids wherever they want to go. I wish for blessings to be heaped on my family and friends for all their prayers and support. I wish peace and comfort for all of the people in my life who are suffering, as well as for those I don't know. I wish for wisdom and discernment. I wish to make a difference in the lives of the people who have been trafficked and enslaved. I wish for the salvation of all the people in my world who don't follow Jesus, as well as the rest of the world. I wish for them to know the freedom that comes from living their life dedicated to him. I wish for people's eyes to be opened to what is happening in the world right now. I wish for the local churches around the world to grow and grow. I wish for many things, but they are more than wishes. They are prayers. They are prayers that have been prayed to a living God who hears each and every one of them. They are prayers that I believe will be answered, and wishes that I believe will come true. What do you wish for?

Worry Is A Waste

2011-07-10T21:40:00.000-04:00

Over the past few days, I've been thinking about what it means to worry. I have been a worrier all my life. I admit it. I've gotten a little bit better about not worrying as much as I've gone through a lot of physical suffering this year. You would think it would be the opposite, right? Well, I guess it could have created more worry, but the truth is that God has been teaching me a lot. He has been drilling into me the fact that he is always with me and that I can do anything with his help. However, he is very gentle with me.  There have been times in the past few months where I've felt like a fragile little child...trapped, wounded, and scared. God knows how to handle me with care. When I say that he has been drilling into me the fact that he is always with me, I mean that he has been showing that to me every day in a very real, but gentle way. He provides me tangible evidence that he hears me when I call on him. Someday I will share what that evidence is. Most of all, he gives me scriptures in his Word that are exactly what I need to read at the moment to bring me comfort, courage, strength, joy, peace, etc.

To worry means to torment oneself with or suffer from disturbing thoughts. It is a state of restlessness and agitation, producing mental disturbance, uneasiness, foreboding, anxiety, and painful uncertainty. It is so powerful that it can even gain control of your physical body if you let it. I know this from personal experience. You are the only one who can control how much you worry about something, even when people tell you things that are worrisome. You may get bad news about yourself or someone else. You may lose your job suddenly. You may see on the weather report that a tornado or hurricane is threatening your home, or the home of someone you love. You may be worried when your child is late coming home from school, or a date. There are many things that can cause us to worry. However, the worry I'm addressing is about things that haven't even happened yet.

There have been times when I've been lying in bed unable to sleep because I've gotten myself so worked up worrying about something. I'm sure most of you have had the same thing happen. Worry consumes us with fear and paralyzes us. It can cause us to think irrationally and sometimes even lead to poor decisions based in fear. It can hold us back from our true potential and cripple us. It's pointless, fruitless, and can ruin just about anything...our physical bodies, our relationships, opportunities, promotions, travel plans, etc. Worry is really hard to control once it crosses over a certain point.

To some extent, worrying can be a good thing, if it's in the form of genuine concern. It can help us to discern certain questionable situations, solve problems, change plans that need changing, and keep us aware of the situations around us. However, when it crosses over into obsessive worry it becomes a problem. Obsessive worry is when you can't stop the horrible thoughts running around inside your head. When you can't ever see the positive side of a situation because you're too worried about what "might" happen. You're too afraid to move forward because you are paralyzed in your mind. You start to have a physical reaction and you have trouble breathing, or you start sweating, you get a massive headache, or you begin to experience pain somewhere in your body. When worry begins to affect not only yourself, but your family and friends as well, then you know you have a big problem. Our worry not only holds us back, but it can hold others back as well. We can pass our fears on to other people, and that's not good. You can worry someone else and ruin their day. The person may not have had a thought in their head about anything bad happening to them, but with one sentence out of your mouth, you can plant a negative seed in their mind that can grow into a full blown tree in no time. That's why it is so important to get worry under control. It's not just for our own benefit.

In Matthew 6:25-27, Jesus is teaching about worry. He said, "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear.  Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes.  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap, or store away in barns; and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Vs. 34, "Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Jesus tells us not to worry because he knows what worry can do to us; especially worrying about the needs that God promises to supply. As I already mentioned, worry can damage our health.  In addition to that, it causes the object of our worry to consume our thoughts, it disrupts our productivity, it stunts our creativity, it negatively affects the way we treat others, and it reduces our ability to trust God.  How many of these things are you experiencing? Here is the difference between worry and genuine concern - worry immobilizes, but concern moves you to action. Planning for tomorrow is well worth our time, but worrying about tomorrow is just wasting time. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference. When we plan well, with God's guidance, it can alleviate worry. But, when we become obsessive worriers we are consumed by fear and will find it very difficult to trust God.  We need to make sure we don't let the worries about tomorrow affect our relationship with God today. He knows what we need and his plans for us are good. Trusting God doesn't mean that bad things will never happen to us. It means that we trust him in the good times, knowing that we can also trust him in the bad times. God is with you, he loves you, and he is for you. So, don't worry!

Romans 8:38 says, "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present or the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

I really liked this article: How To Stop Worrying So Much. I hope you enjoy it as well. Let's be warriors instead of worriers.

Conviction Bites

2011-06-16T16:49:00.000-04:00

Several weeks ago, my Mom shared a couple of quotes with me from a conference she was attending that day. I've been thinking about them ever since and wanted to share them with you.

"If you always think the way you've always thought, then you will always get what you have always got."

"If you want something you've never had, then you have to do something that you've never done."

The first quote has been on my mind the most. I've been doing a lot of thinking about my thinking. I've realized some things and have been convicted this week about my thought life. It's not that I'm thinking all sorts of evil thoughts or anything like that. It's the thoughts about my circumstances, my health, my parenting abilities, my ability to be a good wife, etc. The thoughts are more like fears and doubts and things from my past that are keeping me in my past. If I keep thinking this way then how can I expect my circumstances, my health, my parenting, my marriage, or any other area of my life to be any different than how they already are? If I want things to change then I have to change my thinking.

I've mentioned this subject in previous posts, but not to the full extent that I've wanted to talk about. Our minds are so very powerful. Our thoughts really do matter. You could be having a really bad day, but be totally calm and peaceful in your mind. The opposite is also true. You could be having a seemingly good day without many problems, but your mind can be a tangled and dark mess. I've had both kinds of days. Then there are days when my thoughts completely take over and can even change what started out as a great day into a horrible day, just because of my thoughts! Our words are powerful. Not just what we say to others, but what we say to ourselves. We can be just as destructive to our own life with the the wrong words we speak to ourselves as we can with words we speak to others...sometimes even more so. I know that there have been days where I've completely sabotaged myself with negative thoughts. Sometimes it begins with a comment from my husband, or something I read on Facebook. It's usually something small and really not a big deal, but then my mind takes over and before I know it I'm in a horrible mood that nothing can shake me out of. Aside from ruining my own day, I've then ruined my family's day as well. You know the saying, "If mama ain't happy, no body's happy!"? Well, it's really true. I'm amazed at how my attitude affects my entire household. And I've been convicted.

Conviction bites. It's not fun. However, it's necessary for growth and positive change. What we have to do is get past the feelings of guilt, shame, anger, rebellion, or whatever it is that we feel when we're convicted, so that we can move on to forgiving ourselves and move towards changing for the better. I don't know about you, but when I get convicted, I get angry before I get repentant. Not angry at the Holy Spirit for convicting me, no, because He loves me and that's why he brings gentle correction. I get angry with myself for how stupid I've been in letting certain behaviors continue; some for many years. So, it usually takes me a little while to process that anger towards myself and then I fall on my knees and ask God to forgive me and then help me to change. There have been two issues this week that I have been majorly convicted of. I won't share them with you because they are very personal to me, but they are big issues that have greatly impacted my life and the life of my family I'm sure. I got very angry at myself for being so blind and not recognizing the fact that I'd been letting the enemy rob me for so long. But, you want to know the good news? There is redemption!

Job 5:17-18 says, “Blessed is the one whom God corrects; so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty. For he wounds, but he also binds up; he injures, but his hands also heal." In the context of this passage of scripture, Job's friend was right in saying what he said, but his advice didn't apply to Job's situation. Job wasn't suffering because of some major sin in his life and I don't believe I'm suffering because of some major sin in my life either. But, I do think I've suffered some things for lack of conviction in my life. God allows things to happen to us for reasons that are usually unknown to us, and sometimes we need to have these "Aha!" moments of conviction to turn us around and get back on the right track. In my case, these particular convictions felt like a slap in the face when the light bulb went on. It hurt. But pain can help us grow. My eyes were suddenly opened to things that I would think I'd have gotten a clue about long before I actually got a clue. But, we are just "sheep" after all, right? :) God wants us to look inward, not outward. Our inward will always affect our outward.

Proverbs 10:17 says, "He who heeds discipline shows the way to life, but whoever ignores correction leads others astray." The Message says, "The road to life is a disciplined life; ignore correction and you're lost for good." The Amplified Bible says, "He who heeds instruction and correction is [not only himself] in the way of life [but also] is a way of life for others. And he who neglects or refuses reproof [not only himself] goes astray [but also] causes to err and is a path toward ruin for others." Yikes! Maybe that's why the conviction hit me so hard. I realized that by my not being disciplined in my thoughts, it led to actions that caused people close to me to have issues as well. I think that was the worst part of all. Not that I was hurting, but that in my hurting, I had hurt others. I think that's when you know for sure that you are repentant. When your focus shifts from the "Poor me, I'm a victim..." thinking to thinking of how that attitude hurt someone very dear to you. And then from there, your thinking immediately goes to, "OK, how can I fix this? How can I make it right again? Dear God, please help me make this right again." Then He does. God responds to a repentant heart. He redeems.

It is very important to respond immediately to correction from the Holy Spirit. Proverbs 12:1 pretty much says it all. "Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but whoever hates correction is stupid." If we want knowledge and understanding about why certain areas of our lives aren't going as well as we would like them to be, then we should ask God for knowledge. If in asking for knowledge, he answers with correction, then we best heed that correction. It would be stupid not to! The Lord disciplines those he loves. Proverbs 13:18 says, "Whoever disregards discipline comes to poverty and shame, but whoever heeds correction is honored." God will honor your willingness to be corrected and then help you achieve the change necessary to turn your situation around. Proverbs 15:5 says, "A fool spurns a parent’s discipline, but whoever heeds correction shows prudence." It's the same way we as parents discipline our children. We discipline them because we love them. When they heed our correction, they are rewarded for honoring their parents. When they rebel, then it brings further or even harsher correction. I certainly do not want any more correction than is necessary. So, I chose not to rebel against God when I got the "face slap" a couple days ago. Instead, I allowed myself to be angry and sad for a little bit, and then immediately forgave myself and turned to God for the next step...redemption.

"For the time being no discipline brings joy, but seems grievous and painful; but afterwards it yields a peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it [a harvest of fruit which consists in righteousness--in conformity to God's will in purpose, thought, and action, resulting in right living and right standing with God]." ~ Hebrews 12:11 (The Amplified Bible)

God loves me so much that he will continue to discipline me and mold me into a person who will be effective. A person who will encourage others and not tear them down. A person who will bring glory to Him in all areas of my life. A person who will be a wife and a mother worthy of honor from her husband and children. A person after God's own heart. Conviction bites. But, it's a good thing. A very good thing indeed.

Time

2011-06-08T10:28:00.002-04:00

It's almost the end of another school year. My oldest will be in 2nd grade next year and I can hardly believe it. At least my baby still has one more year of preschool before I have to send her off on the "big yellow bus." She so badly wants to get on that bus to go to school with her sister. I keep telling her, "Only one more summer, then one more school year, then one more summer, and then you'll be on that bus!" It's amazing how you measure "time" once you have kids.

I've been thinking about time a lot lately. How fast it seems to go at times and how painfully slow it seems to go at other times. The truth is, time is exactly the same, day in and day out. It never changes. While we're on earth, there will always be 60 seconds in a minute and 60 minutes in an hour. There will be day and night every day. Time won't stop because we want it to, and we can't speed up time either. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's ever wanted to change time.

I remember when my oldest daughter was a toddler and my youngest was an infant. How long the days seemed. Someone said to me during that time, "The days seem to go on forever, but the years will fly by." I used to think, "Yeah, right. These are the slowest years of my life." You know what, that person was right. I look back now on all the sleepless nights and all the spit-up I wore on my clothes and had to clean off of everything, all the feedings that seemed to take hours, all the toys scattered everywhere because I had no energy to put them away, the piles and piles of laundry, the long afternoons when the girls were bored and needing to be entertained and all I wanted to do was take a nap, the days of teething that seemed to last forever...

Even though it seemed like forever at the time, I'm sitting here now thinking, "Where did all the time go?" I can hold intelligent conversations with both of my girls. They are so smart. They are good learners, awesome artists, and say more words in one day than I could ever have imagined. My little Sarah still loves to snuggle with me and I'm so glad. She can make her body curl up into a tiny ball on my lap and I love, love, love it. My Hailey will still snuggle with me a little, but she'd rather be off doing something else, which is totally natural for her age. I still can't believe she will be seven years old next week.

Time really seemed to speed up once she started school. Maybe because we had a set routine that we had to do every day. Kids are really good at wanting to speed up time. Especially when they have something that they're really looking forward to, like a birthday party or a trip to Disneyland. My husband and I learned early on not to mention any major events or trips until very soon before the actual event at the risk of being "whined" to death by the girls. Or asked for the millionth time, "When do we get to go? Why can't we go NOW?" If you're a parent, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

Thinking back to when Hailey was born, I remember wanting time to go faster. I couldn't wait for her to sit up on her own, then crawl, then pull herself up to stand, and then to walk. And boy did she make me wait. She didn't sit up on her own until 8 months, she crawled at 11 months, pulled herself up at 13 months and walked on her 16 month birthday. I was freaking out! I was convinced that she had a disability even though the doctor assured me that she was totally fine. And she is! She just liked to do everything in her own time, and she's the same way today.

Isn't it funny how when the second baby comes along, suddenly you don't want to hurry time as much? At least that was how it was for me when Sarah was born. I knew she was going to be my last child and so I wanted to slow down time every day. I remember midnight feedings and how I would let her linger on my shoulder just a little bit longer after she'd finished her bottle. I would breathe in the smell of her hair and try to burn it into my memory. I did the same thing with Hailey, but I have to admit, not nearly as often as I wish now that I would have. Time can teach us things.

Here are some quotes about time:

"How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on." ~Zall's Second Law

"Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you." ~Carl Sandburg

"Time is a brisk wind, for each hour it brings something new... but who can understand and measure its sharp breath, its mystery and its design?" ~Paracelsus

"Time, the cradle of hope.... Wisdom walks before it, opportunity with it, and repentance behind it: he that has made it his friend will have little to fear from his enemies, but he that has made it his enemy will have little to hope from his friends." ~Charles Caleb Colton

"Time is an equal opportunity employer. Each human being has exactly the same number of hours and minutes every day. Rich people can't buy more hours. Scientists can't invent new minutes. And you can't save time to spend it on another day. Even so, time is amazingly fair and forgiving. No matter how much time you've wasted in the past, you still have an entire tomorrow." ~Denis Waitely

Here are a few things that time has taught me:

You can't get it back once it's gone.
Sometimes it's a healer, and sometimes it isn't.
It will eventually show up on your face.
It's a powerful thing, if you let it be.
It's not always "fair."
You can't always redeem lost time, but God can.
It's entirely up to you what you do with it.
Sometimes it's OK to let a little time slip by and take a rest.
It can be our best friend or our worst enemy.
It's a precious gift every day.
If you still have time, you have opportunity.
We should never try to rush it if the Lord has asked us to wait on Him.
I want to make the best of it so that I have as little regrets as possible.

I'm sure most of you have heard the following passage of scripture, but it's well worth reading again...

Ecclesiastes 3:1-15, 22

A Time for Everything

"1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

9 What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. 13 That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. 14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him. 15 Whatever is has already been, and what will be has been before; and God will call the past to account."

"22 So I saw that there is nothing better for a person than to enjoy their work, because that is their lot. For who can bring them to see what will happen after them?"

My "work", at least for this time in my life, is to be a mother and a wife. Verse 22 reminded me that I need to enjoy every moment of it because it is what God has called me to do. The time I spend with my kids and my husband is precious, and it's going too fast. Sure, God has called me to other things as well. But, my time needs to be invested more into my relationships than anything else. God has given me these children to love, to train, to teach, to inspire, to encourage, and to help shape the women they will become someday. A day I think will be here far too soon for me. He has given me my husband, to be his helpmate. To inspire, encourage, and to build him up. To be a team. Take the time to invest in your families. It will be worth it.

I Surrender All

2011-05-26T18:33:00.000-04:00

When I think of the word "surrender", I think of a person on TV with their hands up.  They've laid their weapon down and kicked it away, and they are now at the mercy of the person who is aiming their weapon at them. To surrender means: 1. To yield (something) to the possession or power of another; deliver up possession of on demand or under duress. 2. To give (oneself) up. 3. To give (oneself) up to some influence, course, emotion, etc.

Usually, the act of surrendering is followed by something negative; something fearful.  The person's future is uncertain in the hands of the person they are surrendering to. Just because they've surrendered does not mean that they are going to escape prison, torture, or even death...even if they are completely innocent. No wonder it scares people when they hear the phrase, "Surrender yourself to God." Especially if they are not even sure who God really is. But what if the person you're surrendering to is a loving, gentle, generous person whose desire for you is to give you a future and a hope and to give you the desires of your heart?  This person is not pointing a weapon at you forcing you to surrender. He's standing there with open arms, waiting patiently for you, ready to lead you into the marvelous future he has planned for you. However, he wants you to be willing to completely give your life over to him and trust him completely. He wants you to surrender.

To me, surrendering is not always easy. Even though the concept is basic, the act of surrendering can be very difficult. Some things are much easier to surrender than others. However, it depends on the person and what they are being asked to surrender. What may be very difficult for one person to surrender may be a piece of cake for someone else.  That's why we can never judge people on this subject. We shouldn't judge people on any subject, but right now I'm talking about surrendering.

Has God ever asked you to surrender something? A habit, maybe? A job, a relationship, a child, a dream? Whatever he's asking you to surrender, you must have confidence that he is going to take care of you and that he only wants the best for you. Surrendering something to God doesn't necessarily mean that you are going to lose it. Sometimes it does, but sometimes it's purely the act of surrendering in obedience to Him that he's looking for. When you surrender to God, you are being set free. It's the opposite of surrendering to an enemy, or to someone who is demanding that you surrender or die. God isn't asking you to surrender so that he can lock you up and control your life. He wants to set you free.

Some people are afraid of surrendering because they fear that they will lose control of their life. I used to be one of those people. I am a very independent person and I like things to be in control. I used to try to do everything in my own strength and then, when that didn't work, I would turn to God and beg him to help me. If I would have surrendered to him right away, then I wouldn't have had to work so hard and the outcome would have been much better. When you surrender your life to God, you are agreeing to hand over to him all of your desires, your dreams, your hopes, your fears, your family, your spouse, your children, your future, everything. You are saying, "God, I trust you to handle my life more than I trust myself. Lead me and guide me, use me Lord in whatever way you see fit. I am an open vessel and I'm ready to be used by you." My desire is that it becomes an automatic response, without hesitation. My hands are up, my eyes are looking upward, and I am ready to receive all that God has for me.

I find it interesting that nowhere in the bible is there a scripture that demands that we surrender to God. There are, however, several verses that tell us to submit to God. Proverbs 3:5-6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Another familiar scripture is James 4:7-8a. "Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you." We are to submit to God, certainly. But, submitting is not the same thing as surrendering. A lot of people have a negative view of the word "submit" as well...sometimes even more so than "surrender." For example, if you had really controlling parents growing up who yelled at you, "You will submit to me, or else!" Another example would be if you had, or have, a demanding spouse who is very domineering and controlling. Everything in you would resist submitting to that type of person. God is not that type of person.

I read the following statement today and I think it's a good description of the difference between submission and surrendering. "Submission is something we can do, something we control. In surrender, we make the conscious choice to let go of that control, but the actual surrender is something only God can do. Another gift from the Father to His children. When we submit, we 'give in,' keeping the focus on ourselves. When we surrender, we 'give up,' putting the focus where it belongs: on God. But it isn't giving up in the way we normally define it. The action is more like 'giving over.' In love. It is offered to us in love, by Love, for love. And we accept it the same way: in love, for love, out of love. Our best example is Jesus. While here on earth, He didn't just submit, He surrendered. He handed Himself over to others, He emptied Himself completely. Out of the same motivation He came to Earth in the first place: love."

When we surrender to God, we are still going to use the gifts, talents, and resources that He's given us. We will still have our own will and our own ability to think and make decisions. Surrendering doesn't mean that we stop thinking for ourselves or belittle our God-given ability to reason. It also doesn't mean that we will always hear a booming voice from Heaven every time we have a question about what we're to do, or where we're to go. It doesn't mean that we sit around and wait for God to tell us what we're supposed to do that day. It means that as we are going about our day, we are open to hearing from him. Our ears and eyes are open to what he would want to say to us through his Holy Spirit. We are willing to go where he tells us to go and stay where he tells us to stay. It's not just about submitting to his will, it's about surrendering to his will completely. When we surrender, we give ourselves back to God. We can trust him to guide us and protect us in all our ways because we will be working to accomplish His purposes. In surrendering, there is freedom.

Faith, Trust, And Pixie Dust

2011-05-09T12:36:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was Mother's Day. I had high hopes of being able to wake up, get ready, and go to church with my family. Well, those hopes came crashing down when I got out of the shower and got dressed to go. I was trying so hard to ignore the vertigo and the pain in my stomach and legs, but it was no use. Vertigo is something I just can't ignore. I felt like I was going to pass out, so I sat down on my bed and cried. There it is folks...the ugly truth. I cried because I was frustrated and sad that I was going to miss church again. I cried because I felt like I was letting my family down. Most of all, I cried because I was sick of the pain and the dizziness. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. Remember in my last blog post when I said that it's OK to have to give something to the Lord a hundred times a day if need be? Well, that was me yesterday. I had to wrestle with my thoughts all day and beat them into submission to the Word of God. I had to fight against depression most of all. It was exhausting, but worth it.

The girls decided that they wanted to have a Tinkerbell movie marathon while we ate snacks together and snuggled. I was too tired to really care what we watched, I just knew I wanted to be with them. I'd already seen all three of the Tinkerbell movies and nothing really stuck out to me until yesterday. One of the main lines in the movies is from "Peter Pan." The line is, "All it takes is faith and trust...and a little bit of pixie dust." This is what the character says to whoever it is they are trying to teach to fly. The other ingredient to being able to fly is to "think happy thoughts." Sometimes it's really hard to think happy thoughts, especially in the midst of suffering. But, it is crucial to being able to persevere. In Philippians 4, Paul tells the people to think on things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, praiseworthy. He told the people to put into practice everything they had learned or heard from him, or seen in him. And that if they put those things into practice, then the God of peace would be with them. Thinking happy thoughts helps us to rise above our problems and look up to the Lord, keeping our focus in the right place.

As we were watching the movie, Hailey said, "Mommy, I wish I could fly. Do you ever wish you could fly?" I told her that I definitely wished I could fly and we talked about what we would do and where we would go if we could fly. I started to think about how I would love to be able to fly above all my problems and leave all the pain and anxiety behind forever. I realized that as much as I would like to be able to do that right this second, it's not going to happen. But, it will happen someday. I will be taken to Heaven and will leave all this earthly pain behind forever. That is the hope that keeps me going through days like yesterday...well, through every day actually. It's the same hope for all who believe in Jesus. Revelation 2:7 says, "He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes, I will give the right to eat of the tree of life, which is in the paradise of God (Heaven)." To overcome is to be victorious by believing in Jesus, persevering, remaining faithful, and living our lives devoted to following him. Such a life will bring great rewards.

Even though I can't physically fly above all my problems, in a way I can. Isaiah 40:31 says, "...but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." My hope is in the Lord and because of that I have full confidence that this verse applies to me. I can soar on wings like eagles, in my spirit. Someday soon I will walk and not be faint from vertigo, and someday I have hope that I will be able to take off running and run as long as I want to. Having hope in the Lord means that you fully expect that his promise of strength will help you to rise above your circumstances. It means that you trust him completely. When we trust him completely, then we will be prepared when he speaks to us. That way, when he asks us to wait for something, or wait on him, we will be patient and fully expect him to fulfill the promises in his Word. He will fulfill the promises in his word. To fully hope in the Lord takes faith and trust...and not even a hint of pixie dust. : )

Life Is Learning

2011-05-04T11:17:00.001-04:00

Much has happened since my last blog post. Rather than get into all the details, I will just share with you what I've been learning. The main thing I've learned is that God is truly with me, no matter how bad my circumstances are. He has shown his great love to me over and over again these past few weeks and I have no doubt of his compassion for me.

I think there are times in our lives where we are forced to make a choice about what we really believe. Do we really trust God? Do we really believe what His Word says? Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Our circumstances will change, we may change, but He never does...and neither does His Word. As much as I have disliked what I've been going through, I think it has been absolutely necessary. My faith has been tested, and I truly believe I'm passing the test.

I hate uncertainty. It causes me anxiety which, if I don't catch it right away, spirals into a deep panic attack. What I've learned is that even when things are uncertain, when I have no idea what's going to happen next, God does. He has me in his grip at all times. Therefore, I should not fear what's coming next. Psalm 73:23-26 says, "Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

God is holding my hand always. He will guide me and counsel me through this life and then he will take me to Heaven to live with him forever. I will never be without him. Even though my body and my heart may fail me, God is my strength. He has made that known to me these past few weeks as my body has "failed" me. Yet, even as my body has been weak, my spirit has been made strong.

Having faith does not mean that all your problems disappear instantly. Even as I type this, my throat is tight and anxiety is trying to creep in because I'm dealing with vertigo again today. Vertigo is very unsettling and scary. In my case, faith means that I am believing with all my heart that God has healed me even though I am not seeing the full evidence of it. I know that I am healed, now I am walking it out by faith. I'm trusting in God's promises. "The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made. The Lord upholds all who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down." ~ Psalm 145:13-14. God is ready and willing to carry our burdens for us. What we have to do is let go of them and give them to him.

We have a lot of uncertainty in the world right now, let alone our own personal struggles. When the news announcement was made that Osama Bin Laden was killed, I have to admit that I had some anxiety. I was happy that he had been brought to justice, but thought to myself, "OK, what does this mean for us now?" However, what usually would have weighed me down with worry and fear for several days didn't even make it into the next day. I was fully able to give it to God and not worry about it anymore. After all, why worry about something I have absolutely no control over? That was huge for me though because that's how I've always been. I've always hated the feeling of not being in control. But, not so much anymore. I realized that I was putting more faith in myself and my own strength than in God. How silly is that? Why would I trust my own fragile self more than the God who created the entire universe? I'll tell you why. Because that is what we humans do! We were designed to think, to create, to be problem solvers, to survive. Those are all good things. But when they take over and overshadow our reliance on God, they become things that tear us apart inside and we feel frustrated, defeated, and overwhelmed.

I have to admit, it's a little harder to give physical pain over to the Lord completely when it's staring you in the face every day. That's been the biggest struggle of all for me. I have not arrived at the place I want to be in my faith regarding this subject, but I am well on my way. It's OK to give something to the Lord over and over again. You are not a failure if you can't give it to him the first time and leave it at his feet for good. Some things are much more difficult to hand over than others. What we need to do is realize when we are holding onto something and trying to control the situation in our own strength, and then as soon as we realize it, hand it over to him right away. If that has to happen 100 times a day, so be it. Eventually we will know when we've given it to him completely, and then peace will come.

I am also going to stop feeling guilty about asking for help when I need it. I know that when the situation is reversed and someone needs my help, I will be there.

If you are struggling right now, keep in mind that you are not alone. Don't try to do this life in your own strength. You will just wear yourself out. Give Jesus your burdens, your hurts, your fears, your pain...let him carry them for you. He has compassion on you and he loves you.

Declaration of Independence

2011-04-11T20:32:00.003-04:00

The Christian’s Declaration of Independence

Tracie Ellen Markley

We, therefore, the Christians of the world, assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge

of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do in the Name, and by Authority of the

Lord Jesus Christ, joyfully publish and declare, That we, as Christians, and of Right

ought to be Free and Independent people; that we are absolved from any Allegiance to

Satan and his kingdom, and that all spiritual connection between us and the Prince of

this world, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent people,

we have full Power to levy war against the Enemy and all principalities and powers,

conclude Peace in our lives, contract Alliances with other Christians, establish Commerce

and be blessed financially, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent

Christians may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance

on the protection of the Lord Jesus Christ, we mutually pledge to Jesus, our Lives, our

Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.

I wrote those words several years ago around the 4th of July. I was researching The Declaration of Independence and thought, you know, Christians should have their own declaration of independence in regards to our freedom in Christ, and the battle we wage against the enemy every day. So, I wrote one based on the final part of The Declaration signed by our forefathers.

1 Peter 5:8-11 says, "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to be his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen."

If you've ever read about lions, or watched a Discovery Channel program about them, you would have seen that they attack sick, young, or straggling animals. They choose victims who are alone or not alert. (This is where I encourage you to plant yourself in a local church.) When we're feeling alone, weak, helpless, and cut off from other believers, we can get so focused on our own troubles that we forget to watch for danger, and we become especially vulnerable to Satan's attacks. If you are suffering, seek other Christians. Call people who you trust and ask them to pray with you and for you. Ask them to keep you accountable and don't cut off contact with them. Keep reading God's Word! It's your best defense. We have a real enemy, and his name is Satan. His goal is to destroy Christians and make our lives miserable. We need each other in this battle. We will have the victory, that is already promised to us. But we need to make sure we don't allow needless casualties along the way. If you see someone who is in a weak position, do something to strengthen and help them. If you are in a weak position, allow someone to help you. Don't try to go it alone.

While Paul was in prison, he wrote the following passage of scripture in Ephesians 6:10-18 ~ "10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people."

Even though this was written over 2,000 years ago, it is just as relevant to us today, if not more. Unless you live in a cave, you'd have to be blind and deaf not to realize that the world we live in is becoming increasingly unstable and dangerous. Satan is very much on the move and we need to stay alert. I'm not saying these things to frighten you. We have no need to be afraid because God is with us wherever we go. He already has the victory and so do those who believe in him. However, I want to wake you up if you've been asleep to what is going on...not just in the natural, but especially in the supernatural realm. No matter how strong we think we are on our own, we are much stronger when we are united with other believers. We are all in this together, and as the years go on, we are going to need each other more and more.

The following was Paul's prayer for the church, and it is my prayer for you. "17 I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. 18 I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, 19 and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, 20 which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, 21 far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. 22 And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, 23 which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way." ~ Ephesians 1:17-23

He goes on to say, in Ephesians 2:6 ~ "And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus." Because of Christ's resurrection, we know that our bodies will also be raised from the dead (1 Corinthians 15:2-23) and that we have been given the power to live as Christians now (see verse 19 above). As Easter approaches, I pray that we would realize the power of its' meaning. That we wouldn't get caught up in all the "fun" of the holiday and miss it. We have been given authority, through Jesus Christ, to kick the devil in the teeth. When Jesus rose from the dead, I believe that was our Independence Day. Take your rightful place and let's do what we've been called to do. Who's with me?

Seasons

2011-04-02T09:36:00.001-04:00

I've had a bit of writer's block lately. Either that, or I have too much going on in my brain to be able to write anything that makes sense. I think the latter is the true statement. I have had much physical pain these last few months, which also makes it difficult to write. However, writing what is on my heart seems to help.

I am very much what you might call a "people pleaser." I want to make people happy, I want to help them in any way I can, I want to see them succeed. I want to do my job and do it well. What I've realized over the course of the past year is that in striving to please others, I've forgotten about myself. It's easy to do when you're a mother, that's for sure. But right now I'm talking about life in general, not motherhood. People who are people pleasers also tend to be perfectionists. They struggle with self-doubt and take on guilt if they don't complete a task, especially if they let someone down. They worry that they are never good enough, or smart enough. They worry about a lot of things. As I've mentioned in previous posts, worry can do all kinds of negative things to your body. The mind and the body are very much connected to each other.

The question I've been asking myself this week is, "Who am I trying to please, and why?" The only person I truly need to be concerned with pleasing is Jesus. That's not to say, "To heck with everyone else! I'm just gonna please God and not worry about people." Of course I'm going to keep loving my husband and my daughters. Of course I'm going to keep helping and serving people. It's how God designed me. What I'm saying is that my focus has been in the wrong place. I've been focused more on what people think of me right now rather than what I can be doing to please God. But you know what I've realized? It doesn't take much to please God. What he wants from us is devotion to Him, our praise, thanksgiving, and an open heart. Well, I can do that from my bed or couch. : )

I've been feeling pretty useless in the ministry department these days. I haven't made it to church much because I've been in so much pain. I've been more concerned with what people think of that than what God thinks of that. The truth is, it doesn't matter what people think. I would much rather be in church than in bed. God knows that, and that's what matters. We go through seasons in life. Some are longer and more difficult than others. What God is looking for in us is how we respond to these seasons. Do we lie around and feel sorry for ourselves? Do we whine and pout to him about how unfair it is? Do we kick and scream and demand that he give us an immediate answer to our questions about why we're in the season? Or do we throw up our hands in worship and thank him that we are alive? Thank him for our many, many blessings... Thank him for our home and our family.

As I go through this season, I've had many moments where I've "lost it", so to speak. I've cried out to the Lord to rescue me from this pain and heal me. There is nothing wrong with brokenness before the Lord. He wants us to be honest with him. However, even though there have been times where I've been angry and frustrated at the situation, I've never been angry with God. He loves me. His ways are a mystery to me, but I know they are higher than mine and that He has the answers. He knows the big picture. My job is to trust him, not to question him.

Whatever season you find yourself in right now, be it good or bad, always praise and thank the Lord. He is just as worthy of our praise in the most difficult of seasons as he is in the most wonderful. He loves you and he will never leave you. His promises are true. Ask the Lord to remind you of visions and dreams that he's given you. If he's never given you any, ask him to. He longs to give you the desires of your heart. He will bring you out of your difficult season. So start dreaming...

Need Strength? Get Joy!

2011-03-09T09:37:00.001-05:00

Last weekend was our church's annual women's conference. The title this year was, "Live, Love, Laugh." I was only able to physically attend three sessions, but was also able to watch some of them online. At first, I was really bummed that I had missed so much. I had it in my mind that I was going to be feeling terrific by the time conference came and when I wasn't, well, I was bummed. Getting used to new food allergies has been interesting. It's hard to believe that you can actually grieve food. I guess it's like any other kind of loss though. Most of all, it's a big change. It's also been hard to keep in mind that it's going to take a while before I feel really good. My stomach and my entire system have to get used to this new way of eating. And that will take time. I have blogged in the past about how I'm not a very patient person. Even though I've improved in that area it definitely still needs work. I want to be feeling well NOW! Ha ha!

Here are some of the things I wrote down in my notes from the conference:

"We are going to need strength and a sense of humor to get through this journey called life." ~ Holly Wagner
"Don't allow what you can see negate what you can't see with your spiritual eyes." ~ Priscilla Shirer
"Are your eyes blurred from seeing the solution to your problem because you're too lost in conversation about what's happening, or what's happened to you? A mouth in gear makes it really hard to see and hear." ~ Priscilla Shirer
"Resist the urge to keep rehearsing what is currently happening to you." ~ Priscilla Shirer
"God can use your past to build some body's future." ~ Holly Wagner
"We need courage to walk through this God adventure. Don't disqualify yourself...even if you do stupid stuff." ~ Holly Wagner

Talk about these messages being applicable to my life right now! There were so many more things that I gathered from these speakers. Those were just a few that stood out. One of the other things I learned was that I had lost some of my joy. And because I'd lost some joy, I lost some strength too. In Nehemiah 8, it says that the joy of the Lord is our strength. Strength is definitely something I need to get through these health issues, both new and old. I came across some scriptures in Isaiah that I wanted to share with you. "Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation." ~ Isaiah 12:2-3. The bottom line is that our joy comes from the Lord. Our sufferings on earth will someday come to an end and we will be with Him forever. This is true for all that believe in Jesus and call on him to be saved.

Psalm 17:9-11 says, "Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body will also rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay. You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand." David had a glad heart because he had found the secret to joy. True joy is far deeper than happiness. It's a mystery to me that we can feel joy even in the midst of our deepest troubles. Joy lasts because it comes from God's presence within us. Happiness is temporary because it is based on external circumstances. If we can begin to understand the future he has for us, we will experience joy. We can know with confidence that God promises not to abandon us. David said, "You have made known to me the path of life..." The path of life is a relationship with Jesus Christ.

I encourage you to read all of John 15, but here are a few scriptures. Jesus is talking in John 15:9-11 and he says, "As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete." Jesus goes on to command us to love one another as he has loved us. I don't know about you, but I need to know how to have complete joy in my life. His joy is my strength. Even though I may be weak on the outside, I am strong on the inside. That is only possible because of Jesus. There is no other explanation for having joy and strength in the middle of trials. It's only Jesus.

I don't know everyone who reads this blog. I don't know where you stand in your relationship with Jesus, or if you even have a relationship with him. What I do know is that if you invite Jesus into your life, it's an invitation that will never be refused. This is true whether you are inviting him into your life for the first time, or if it's been a while since you've really had a relationship with him. Either way, he is waiting for you with open arms. He wants to spend time with you. How cool is that? That the Lord of the heavens and the earth and everything beyond would want to spend time with you. If you've never asked Jesus into your heart, now is the time. He will be your joy and will give you the strength you need to get through this journey called life. All you have to do is pray this simple prayer..."Dear Lord Jesus, I ask you to come into my life. I confess that I am a sinner and I need you. I ask you to forgive me of my sins. Cleanse me and make me whole. Help me to follow you all the days of my life. Amen." It's that easy, and I promise you, it's the best and most important decision you will ever make. You can have real joy.

Sometimes Life Is Unfair

2011-02-27T16:45:00.001-05:00

Sometimes life is unfair. That's what I had to tell my daughter Hailey last week. She asked me, "Mommy, why did God make me with food allergies? It's just not fair." She is usually OK with the fact that she can't eat wheat or drink milk, but it was one of those days when a fellow classmate had brought in cupcakes for their birthday and she was feeling down because she couldn't have one. Her teacher is awesome though. On those days, she personally walks Hailey to the cafeteria to pick out an Italian ice or a popsicle. I just found that out a couple weeks ago when she called about a trail mix they were making in class. I love her school. They are so careful with the kids who have allergies and I really appreciate it.

So, I found myself in this conversation with Hailey about life and how some things don't seem fair. I told her that life hands us all kinds of things and, fair or not, how we handle them is what matters most. I told her that we have to look on the positive side of things because we can always find something good in every situation. I told her that even though life is unfair sometimes, we have so much to be thankful for. I tried to get her to focus on the foods she can still eat instead of on the ones she can't eat. She felt much better after our talk and I felt better knowing that I had cheered her up a little. (It kind of reminded me of playing "The Glad Game", like in the movie, "Pollyanna".)

This week, I find myself having to replay that conversation and listen to my own advice. I received a call from my doctor last Friday night that my blood test for celiac disease was positive. In order to get a firm diagnosis, I have to have a biopsy of my intestines. However, given my symptoms, my history, and my other blood work, I have decided not to have the procedure done to confirm it. It has pretty much confirmed itself. The treatment would be the same no matter what the test shows...no more wheat, rye, or barley for the rest of my life. I also have to eliminate dairy from my diet for at least the next few months so that my intestines can heal and be able to process lactose properly again. I am already starting to feel a little better not having wheat for a week now, and not having dairy for a couple days. I have a long way to go, but I am confident that I will be feeling amazing within the next six months.

I blogged a couple of months ago about how I felt like a change was coming. I don't know if this is what that change is all about, or if it's the changes going on around the world, but this will definitely be a change in my life. The first thought that came into my head was that I was glad I had an answer. Immediately following that positive thought was a negative thought. "This is just one more thing that you have to give up...one more thing that makes you not normal...one more thing to worry about." Once I took those thoughts captive and realized that I didn't have to let them fester I felt better. It would be very easy to once again go down the road of self-pity. But as they say, "Been there. Done that." I definitely don't want to go down that road again. I'm choosing to be thankful that this is something that can be treated with diet changes and not medication with possibly horrible side effects. Sure, it means I can't eat several things that have always been my favorite, but it also means that I'm going to start feeling better and I can't wait!

Is it "fair"? Well, I don't think so. But, what is fair? Is it fair that people get cancer? Is it fair that earthquakes and tornadoes and hurricanes kill people and destroy whole cities? Is it fair that someone gets injured on their job and has to go bankrupt? Lots of things that happen in this life are unfair. The truth is, I really do believe what I said to my daughter is true. Unfair and bad things are going to happen to everyone in this life and it's how we choose to handle them that matters most. We can make a bad situation much worse with a bad attitude. I'm sure most of you have seen the following quote, but I wanted to share it with you anyway.

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.

Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home.
The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.
And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes." ~ Charles Swindoll

I am sure that there will be days when my attitude will be less than pleasant regarding the fact that I now have to read every single label on every single thing I eat. I have to be very careful when I go to restaurants. Gone are the days of onion rings and french bread and my favorite pastries. But, I've already had a head start in doing the exact same thing for Hailey for over a year now. We already know things that work and things that don't work. AND, I have a beautiful sister who also has celiac disease and she is sharing her knowledge with me. That is priceless. Even though I know there will be "those days", I know that the majority of my days will be spent being thankful. How could I not be? I serve a God who loves me. He is answering my prayers regarding my health and I'm getting answers to questions I've had for a long time.

So begins my new journey. If you are a friend of mine who lives close by, you just might be getting a phone call from me to come be my gluten-free recipe guinea pigs. : ) Remember that no matter how unfair life seems, there is always a reason to be thankful. Always.

Perception

2011-02-20T13:02:00.000-05:00

Perceive. I've been thinking about that word a lot lately. How we perceive things is very important...to us. I say "to us" because what we perceive can be quite different than how someone else might perceive it. For example, something that causes us stress may be exciting to someone else. We may perceive a situation to be dangerous, but someone else may feel no danger at all. We may perceive things about ourselves that would have others asking, "Why would they feel that way? I don't see them that way." I've been thinking about how I perceive things. God, my life, other people's lives, this world we live in, my health, etc. And I've been wondering if my perceptions are accurate. Are they based on fact or theories? Are they necessary concerns or unnecessary fear? Do I really come across to other people the way I think I do? If so, is there anything I should change? Am I doing a pretty good job?

Perceive means: To become aware of (something) through the senses, especially the sight, to recognize or observe, to come to comprehend; grasp, to recognize, discern, envision or understand. Am I able to discern and comprehend fully what I am perceiving or do I jump to a fast conclusion? Some things are basic perceptions. An example would be that you looked out the window and perceived that it was a sunny day. It doesn't take deep thinking to figure out what kind of day it is when you look out the window. However, what you see out your window could be argued by someone who is just down the road from you. That is, if a rain cloud happens to be over their house at the exact same time that it's sunny at your house. Both perceptions are accurate and both are completely different at the same time. (This type of example is very common if you live in Virginia Beach! Ha ha!)

There are other perceptions that may be a little more complicated, especially when it comes to your children. Like, when you perceive that your child is not feeling well and yet you don't know exactly what's wrong with them. You may have to discern what's going on by trial and error, asking them where it hurts, looking at their throat with a flashlight, etc. The school nurse might be looking at them thinking, "There is nothing really wrong with this child. They should just go back to class." Yet, when you go to school to pick them up, you can see right away when you look in their eyes that they really are sick and need to go home. A mother's perception of her child is different than that of a stranger, or even someone else who knows their child well. I think it's because mothers just know when something is not right with their children. God has given us a special way to discern things. This also includes those times when your child has completely duped someone into believing they are sick (or innocent) and you take one look at them and know they've tried to pull a fast one. It definitely goes both ways. : )

This brings me to another perception...my perception of God. Does how I perceive him change from day to day depending on how that day is going? Do I perceive him as loving, kind, generous, faithful and trustworthy (to name a few) only when things are going well in my life? I've been really convicted with this thought these past couple of days. I am struggling with some health issues that are very challenging and unnerving and I have no idea what is causing them and why. When I was looking up scriptures, I came across Job 38-42. It was a very powerful reminder of who God is and how powerful he is. He is so much greater than my piddly little health issues. They don't feel like small issues while I'm dealing with them, but when I look at how mighty God is and how He is ultimately in control of this entire earth and everything beyond it, I realize that I have no right at all to be asking the question, "Why is this happening to me?"

The really awesome thing is that God cares about me. He knows what I'm going through and he loves me. I realized that my faith had been shaken a bit and had to regain control of my trust in Him. It's so easy to become afraid when you know that something is wrong in your body and you have no idea what's causing it. God knows my body inside and out because he created me. Psalm 139:13-14 says, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." I trust in God's Word, 100%. If that is the case, if I really believe that statement, then I must perceive him to be the same yesterday, today, and forever. I cannot waiver in my perception of Him because he never wavers in his perception of me. To him, I am the apple of his eye. I am his beloved child. That will never change. Hebrews 13:8 says, "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." It says it, so I believe it.

I have to renew my mind and my perceptions daily...sometimes hundreds of times a day it seems. The key is recognizing that my perceptions are not always accurate, and then trusting God for wisdom and understanding so that I can change them. Getting out of negative thought patterns can be really tough if you're not on guard. Stay alert, stay focused, keep your perceptions aligned with fact and not fiction. That goes for how you perceive God, yourself, others, and every situation you find yourself in. (A thought for another time: Sometimes we can perceive things to be good, when in fact they are bad.) We're all in this together, so encourage someone today. You just might be the one to help turn a bad perception into a good one.

Success and Failure

2011-02-04T15:01:00.000-05:00

I have much on my mind today. Do you ever have those days where you ponder life? Today is one of those days for me. When I get like this, I am tempted to feel overwhelmed and a bit anxious. I'm not sure why exactly...I know that I am loved, I'm taken care of, I'm blessed, and I'm OK. So, why be anxious? I've never been a fan of the "unknown." I think maybe that is why I feel unsettled when I think about life and all that life is. Sometimes I wish I had a magic mirror that would tell me what's going to happen next. But really, that wouldn't be a good idea. You know how they say, "Hindsight is 20/20?" I think hindsight is necessary for growth. If we always knew what was going to happen, then we wouldn't need to step out in faith and try anything...especially if we knew we were going to fail. Who would knowingly do something if they knew the result would be total failure? I know I wouldn't.

Failure is as important as success. If you never fail, then you won't fully appreciate it when you succeed. We have to take risks. We have to try. If you give up, then you automatically fail. So, why not take the risk and see if you just might succeed? If you fail, OK, you fail. But what if you don't? Theodore Roosevelt said, "It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed." He's right. Whenever I've had the opportunity to "go for it" and I've backed off and given up, I always feel worse later. It's like my courage or bravery comes the next day, after it's too late. Then I'm plagued with thoughts like, "Man, if I would have just done it I might have succeeded! Why am I such a chicken?" Thomas Edison said, "I failed my way to success." Samuel Smiles said, "We learn wisdom from failure much more than success. We often discover what we will do, by finding out what we will not do." There are some things that I've been wanting to do for a long time, but I've been putting them off. I realized today that the reason I've been avoiding them is because I don't want to try and then fail.

My Dad is a man of great wisdom. When I was a kid, he used to have talks with me about failure. If I had a situation I was facing where I was afraid to try something, he would ask me, "OK, what is the worst thing that could happen? What's the worst case scenario if this doesn't work out? Would you die? Would it affect you so negatively that you couldn't go on with life? Etc., etc." When he put it that way, and I really thought about it, I realized just how silly I was acting. It wasn't like my fear went away completely, but it gave me the courage to step out and do it. It almost always ended up working out much better than I thought it would. Recently, I had an opportunity to do something and I texted my Dad about how nervous I was. Just like when I was a kid (minus cell phones), he texted back, "What's the worst thing that could happen?" I texted him back what I thought the worst thing that could happen was and he texted back, "It will be just fine..." And you know what? It was. It was better than fine. It was a success.

Sometimes all it takes for us to try is a fresh perspective and a little encouragement. I'm going to move forward with the things that I want to do and if I fail, well then, I fail. So what? I'll never know if I can succeed if I don't try. I am also going to try my best not to be anxious about what the future holds. After all, Philippians 4:6-7 says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Now that is encouraging!

What Is Courage?

2011-01-30T08:47:00.000-05:00

Courage: The quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear.

The above definition is how the dictionary defines courage. I kind of disagree with the last two words: "without fear." I looked up some quotes regarding courage, and it seems I am not alone in my disagreement. Here are some of the quotes...

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear." ~Ambrose Redmoon

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear. Except a creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave." ~Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar, 1894

"Courage is being scared to death... and saddling up anyway." ~John Wayne

"Courage is never to let your actions be influenced by your fears." ~Arthur Koestler

"Courage is doing what you're afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you're scared." ~Edward Vernon Rickenbacker

You can't have courage without fear. They go hand in hand. The goal is to not let our fear overturn our courage. In some situations, great courage is required. But in others, you may only need a little bit. The important thing to remember in both situations is that courage is readily available when we need it, in whatever capacity we need it in. You know how I know? Because God promises to be with us wherever we go. He promises to never leave us or forsake us. If he is with us, then we can be assured that he will provide us with courage to face difficult circumstances. Our job is to accept His strength and resist the fear that comes from our enemy.

In the first chapter of Joshua, the Israelites are getting ready to cross over the Jordan River into the land of Canaan, the land God had promised to them. After wandering the desert for 40 years, they were finally about to walk into their "promised land." Joshua had been given instructions by God to be the one to lead them. We're not talking about a small group of people here. There were more than two-million people that had to cross over the Jordan. Joshua needed some serious courage.

This is what the Lord said to Joshua in Joshua 1:5-9..."No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

God told Joshua three times to be strong and courageous. He knew the task was not going to be easy. God was encouraging him and telling Joshua that he would be with him. He also told him to meditate on His Word day and night and to be careful to obey everything in it. And that then he would be prosperous and successful. When we have a task to complete that requires great courage, we need to make sure that we are submerging ourselves in the Word of God. The Word of God is truth. The promises that God gave Joshua are the same promises he gives to us. He will never leave us or forsake us. He will be with us wherever we go.

Joshua was Moses' right hand man for 40 years. He witnessed over and over again how God came through on his promises. Because he had assisted Moses for so many years, he was well-equipped to take over the leadership of the nation. If we want to be leaders, we need to learn from others so that we will be ready when the opportunity comes. If you need some courage, hang around with people who are courageous. Learn from their lives. Surround yourself with people who will encourage you to succeed, who will give you Godly wisdom. Most importantly, remember to have your quiet time with the Lord every day. He is our biggest encourager.

Some of the most courageous people I know are not people of great stature or great fame. They are ordinary people with extraordinary faith. They are what you might call my "silent heroes." They are prayer warriors and encourager's. When God says, "Go," they go. When God says, "Stay," they stay. They don't question Him because they know He will never lead them in the wrong direction. Courage, to me, is knowing that I must face what I can't see and trust God to take my hand and lead me into the darkness. Not two steps behind him, but walking right next to him until I'm on the other side. Sometimes it takes courage just to trust God. I know that may sound silly, but it's true. However, the closer we walk with Him, the more we are in His Word, the easier it will be to trust Him completely. We don't have to be the generation before Joshua who had to wander for 40 years in the desert and never enter their promised land. We can enter our "promised land" now! But, we must have courage and we must meditate on God's Word and be careful to do everything written in it. Then we will be prosperous and successful.

My promised land is coming. I can see it on the horizon. For me, courage begins with leaving my house and going and doing what God has called me to do. Some days it takes great courage to even get off my couch. Other days it only takes a little bit. What I know to be true is that in whatever measure I've needed courage, I've had it. If we will accept His strength, we can do anything!

"Pruning"

2011-01-22T20:37:00.002-05:00

Up until yesterday afternoon, my back deck was beginning to look a bit like the Adams family lived here. My potted plants looked very brown and sad after sitting through our big snowstorm a few weeks ago. I had only observed them from my back door and finally, after saying to myself day after day, "I really need to throw those plants out..." I decided to finally do it. To my surprise, when I looked into the pots I saw a lot of new growth way down at the base of the dead stems. I couldn't believe that the plants had survived! So, I brought them into the house (because gardening in 30 degree weather just isn't my thing) and got my pruning shears. It was amazing what a difference it made just cutting off the old stems. I have no idea if the new growth will actually make it through the rest of the winter, but the roots look really strong.

By now you might be asking yourself what the big deal is about pruning plants and why on earth I'm blogging about it. Well, for me it's a bit metaphorical. I've been doing some "pruning" in myself this week. Cutting away all the old, limp, brown, and dead flower stems reminded me of what I've been doing in my own life, emotionally. I probably could have just pretended that I didn't see the new growth in those pots and thrown them away like I originally planned. It would have saved some time and I could have stayed in my nice warm house. But, I would never have seen the vibrant green beauty of what lay underneath those ugly stems if I wouldn't have taken that time. I also have hope for those plants that they will actually survive now that they have room to breathe.

It's a bit like that with our lives and our emotions. We could go on with life, as is, and not ever take the time to prune the dead things that hold us back. It sure would be easier sometimes. It's easier because the pruning process can be uncomfortable, and sometimes really painful. In my case, it's been both. There are a lot of things that I thought I had dealt with years ago that I discovered this week were still there. They were buried pretty deeply. Facing some of these things has been really difficult, but completely necessary if I am ever going to move forward. Not just move forward emotionally, but also towards my physical healing. I've shared before that this neurological disease I deal with is very much connected to emotions and responds to emotional stress. Well, a lot of this emotional distress comes from years ago. Some is recent, but the patterns that my brain has developed, based on these negative emotions, goes years back. It's not like no new growth has gotten through because I've definitely grown from my experiences with this disease. But, the growth potential is huge if I can just complete this "pruning" process and not give up.

The amazing thing about flowers, and our lives, is that even though things can appear to look really dead on the surface, deep down in the soil the roots can still be strong. The plant can continue to gain strength, even though it appears to be dead. However, if the plant is not pruned properly, eventually the roots can dry up, become brittle, and lose their strength. And it can take a lot more work and a lot more time to revive that plant, if it's even able to be revived. Other times, on the surface, the plant can still look pretty good, but when it's pruned it's able to grow more beautiful and produce even more flowers. If your life right now looks dead on the surface, you may just have to dig a little bit to find some of that strength that I'm sure is in there. If it looks pretty good on the surface, there's always room for a little "dead-heading." We all have things that need to be pruned.

Colossians 3:8-10 says, "But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator." Vs. 12-14, "Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."

Whatever your pruning needs are, whether it be the need to forgive someone, the need to rid yourself of anger, etc., ask God to show you what needs to be done and then let Him do it. Let him be the gardener. He will never prune too much and he will only prune what is necessary to bring new growth and make you healthy. I am excited to complete this particular pruning process and see what's in store for my health. I know it will be good!

Miracle #4!

2011-01-03T18:30:00.000-05:00

It's 5:20pm. What I should be doing is preparing dinner for my family. What I want to be doing is pouring my heart out on this blog. I guess it will have to be a little bit of both...I just paused to boil some water. Our luggage saga continues...we're almost to Day 10. Our bags are still missing and this morning was another two hours of filling out paperwork for the airline headquarters. Needless to say, this has been a stressful situation. But, why? Well, obvious reasons I guess. It would be stressful for anyone to lose their belongings. However, it hit me today that I have been letting this get to me way more than I really should. I have so much to be thankful for. I still have my husband, my kids, my family and my friends. We didn't lose ALL our belongings. Maybe some favorite things, but we still have our home and everything except what was in those two bags. There are a few things in my bag that are pretty much irreplaceable. But, they are just "things."

I remember a time about 14 years ago when I was in the middle of packing up my things to move back into my parents' house after my divorce (If you don't know me well, you may not know that I was previously married when I was very young.) Anyway, I had kept several cardboard boxes in a detached garage that were filled with various things like books, older clothes, paperwork, etc. However, there was a box that held almost everything that I had kept from my childhood. There were my girl scout uniforms, my vest full of patches, clothing and gifts that my Dad had brought back from various countries, a jewelry box that my Gramma gave to me when I was a young teen, all of my high school t-shirts that were painted for football games and senior year, my graduation cap, a quilt that my great-grandma made me when I was a baby...the list goes on and on. Out of all the boxes in that garage, only one was completely destroyed. Can you guess which one? My box of precious memories. What was even worse was that it was destroyed by sewer rats. Apparently my great-grandma's quilt made a very nice home for them. The smell was revolting and nothing could be saved. I was already experiencing so much "loss" at the moment that it was almost more than I could handle. Earlier in the day I had been working on dividing up our dishes, pots and pans, furniture, etc. I was losing my marriage, my step-son, (who I dearly loved), my truck, my house...it was heartbreaking. Losing all of my sentimental things was the topper of my emotional meltdown.

I have to admit, I cried for a week about those things that meant so much to me. Some of them were things I had hoped to pass down to my kids. In the end, I realized that they were just "things." I got over it. If our bags are never recovered, I know I will get over that as well. It's amazing how quickly our focus can get skewed. We can so easily get distracted from what's really important in life. (Hang on, I need to answer the phone...)

NO WAY!!! That was a very nice man from the airline calling to say he has our bags in his possession and that the driver will be here within the next four hours to deliver them! Praise God, Praise God, Praise God!!! I wish I could upload a video of my happy dance I just danced. Unfortunately, that would be extremely embarrassing and something I would never want on YouTube. I am so excited! Wow, OK, so the rest of this blog will be very different from what I had planned. God's timing is perfect. I think he was just waiting for me to completely give up this situation to him. I mean really give it up, which I did about an hour ago.

Why do we wait so long to trust the Lord completely? Why do we hold onto things that we have no control over, somehow thinking that we still have control? We would spare ourselves so much grief if we would just trust him instantly and let His peace flood our lives, taking away our anxiety. What an amazing lesson this is for me tonight! You would think I would have learned this long ago, especially since I've even blogged about it before! You must know, everything I write on my blog, I write for my own benefit as well as the people reading it. It sounds strange, but I guess I kind of learn from myself. Actually, I learn from the Holy Spirit. From now on I will try to learn a little more quickly. His still, small voice is what tells me, "Hey, everything is going to be OK. Trust me. It's in my hands." Yet, He can't force us to trust him. That is a choice that we make all by ourselves.

So, I am completely trusting in the fact that my bag will be in my hands in a matter of hours. I will rejoice when I open it and see all of my "things." But, you know what? I would have rejoiced anyway, even if I never saw my things again. That is how I know I'm trusting God...and I will never doubt Him again.

An Old Year and a New Year

2010-12-31T09:51:00.002-05:00

Every New Year's Eve, I always find myself asking the same question I asked the previous New Year's Eve..."Where did this year go?" It really is true that time flies. Even more so when you have kids, especially now that mine are in school. There have been some years where I've said, "Thank God this year is over!" Then there have been years where I've said, "I hope next year is as good as this one has been!" As far as 2010 goes...I guess I would say a little bit of both phrases. Actually, I really could say that about every year. When I was thinking about this year, month-by-month, it made me realize just how many wonderful things have happened. It also made me realize that there are things about this year that I am glad are over. There are some things that I wish were over, but unfortunately are going to carry into 2011.

I usually send out a Christmas letter with our cards that lets all of our family and friends know what we've been up to this year. I didn't have the time or energy before Christmas, so I figured I'd sum up our year in this blog post (or try to, anyway.) So, 2010 in a nutshell...

We rang in the New Year last year at church, followed by champagne and dessert at our house with Josh's parents. They had been visiting for several days and we had a wonderful time. We wish we could see them more often (along with all of our family members.) The kids continued with gymnastics at Pink Pearl Gymnastics. Their instructor is Margaryta Booth. She is amazing! Josh continued to play drums for church, which he loves. I continued to co-lead a Moms bible study that meets every other Monday morning, as well as volunteering with several other things at church. I think the main thing that happened in January was that we finally found out what Hailey's food allergies were. That began a very life-changing journey for us (in a good way.) I had a bit of a scare and ended up needing a mammogram to rule out possible breast cancer.  I praise God that the test was clear and everything is OK. The end of January brought a snow storm with about nine inches of snow. It broke records for Virginia Beach.

February was a fun month. We attended our annual Wave City Care Auction and won bids on some great items. That was my first auction and we really enjoyed it. My wonderful husband surprised me with a Valentine's Day getaway, just for me, at a hotel and spa called the Founder's Inn and Flowering Almond Spa. It was for two nights and a day of spa treatments. It was very needed and very appreciated. My Mom flew in a few days later to be here for Sarah's 3rd birthday party. We didn't tell the kids she was coming. What a surprise it was for them! We took them out to dinner and when we got them out of the car, my Mom was waiting outside the restaurant. The look on their faces was priceless! We celebrated Sarah's birthday with a "pink" party and it was fabulous. One of the most important things that happened in February was that Josh and I were asked to become Area Pastors at church. It is such an incredible honor to serve with the Area Pastors, especially under such amazing leadership. We have really been enjoying it.

In March was our church's annual Women's Conference. It's one of my favorite events of the year. All things girly, lots of great speakers, lots of tears, lots of chocolate. Other than the conference, March kind of just "marched on" as usual.

April pretty much continued the same way.  We celebrated Easter and then Hailey had Spring Break. We did some fun things while she was out of school, but mostly just relaxed and enjoyed not having a "schedule."

May came and it was time for Hailey's Kindergarten end-of-the-year play. I made my first set of cat's ears and a tail for her to wear. The play was "Mother Goose" and her part was to recite the poem "Hey, Diddle Diddle." She did a great job and I was so proud. She was really nervous, but no one could tell...not even me. : ) Josh and I celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary. We went to this amazing Brazilian restaurant and had a wonderful time. The next week, we went to Busch Gardens for the first time. (Well, for the kids and I anyway.) We had a blast! Josh rode The Griffin and I thought my heart was going to stop. I am not a fan of roller coasters. The kids and I sat and ate ice cream and popsicles while he dangled over our heads like a million feet in the air. That's what it felt like anyway. Crazy! I ended the month with a huge garage sale for our Moms group at my house. We had a very successful day and donated the money to Wave City Care.

June was a great month! Our church recorded our latest live worship album and it was so incredible to be a part of it. We went to Philadelphia for Josh's cousin Chris' graduation from Drexel University. We met Josh's family there; aunts, uncle, cousins, and had a wonderful time with them. The kids did really well during the graduation ceremony (thanks to cell phones with games on them, and really cool great-aunts.) They truly surprised us though. Philly is a really cool city!  We had "real" philly cheese steaks at Geno's and walked around the city for hours. We had some of the best ice cream I've ever tasted too. Yes, I love food and I love to talk about it. A few days after we got home we had family pictures taken at the beach. That was actually really fun! I say "actually" because family pictures usually totally stress me out. Our photographer was Stacey Pryce of Cute E's Photography. She was the best! We celebrated Hailey's last day of Kindergarten on the 18th and summer began! Yay! We celebrated her 6th birthday with a backyard bash that included lots of water. It was really hot that day and the kids had a great time.

July brought lots of heat and humidity, which I love! Call me crazy, but I love the heat! My sister Dana arrived on the 14th to be here to celebrate my 34th birthday. It was so fun!  We had a party on the night of my birthday at a great restaurant with a bunch of my close friends and it was perfect. We had a great time with my sister and I'm so glad she was here. The day before she left, we went to the Botanical Gardens with the kids and had a really good time, at first. I ended up getting bit on my back by a honey bee and it hurt like crazy! It was also very, very hot. I admit, as much as I love the heat, there does come a point where it's just a little too hot to handle. So, we made it through the day and as we were getting the kids in the car to go home my cell phone rang. It was my Dad calling and he asked if the kids were nearby. I told him they were in the car and that we were just about to leave. He asked if he could talk to Dana and I where the kids couldn't hear and I calmly said, "Sure, we'll step out of the car." Inside, I was mildly panicking. Not just because I had an instinct I was about to hear bad news, but also because there was a thunderstorm forming right over our heads and we were already beginning to see lightning. As most of you know, my Dad was calling to tell us that he had a mass in his brain. (To read his story, please go to his blog at http://www.chrisbayer.com/.) At the point of the phone call, there were a bazillion unanswered questions. Let me just say that I was so grateful to God that my sister and I were together when we got the news. It turned out that he had a seizure that morning (although at the time, he didn't know that's what it was), so he called the hospital and they told him to come right in. They did a cat scan and found the mass. The rest of that day was kind of a blur. We tried to enjoy the evening since it was Dana's last day here, but our minds and hearts were very full.

August came and it was time for our annual Wave Church conference. Every year we are blessed with truly great pastors and teachers from all over the world who come to our conferences and share incredible wisdom with us. It's something I will never take for granted. On August 11th, my Dad went in for brain surgery to biopsy the tumor. We were told that once they got in there, they would decide whether or not to just do a biopsy, or to remove the tumor. They ended up removing it. They also took samples of the surrounding tissue to send to the lab. At the time, they told us they were pretty sure it wasn't cancer. We were relived. But, we still had to wait for the pathology report to come back. So, we tried our best to live life normally and continue with our daily tasks. Waiting is something I can't stand. I've been trying my whole life to be more at ease with the waiting process. So far, I've been unsuccessful. On Thursday, the 19th, I got the call from my Dad that it was stage three brain cancer. I booked a flight to Seattle the next day and went home for five days to spend time with my Dad and family. We didn't do much of anything really. And that was fine with me. My Dad is amazing. He has taught me more throughout this entire journey than I ever thought I could learn. On the 29th, Hurricane Earl arrived. We braced ourselves, bought emergency supplies, and waited. It turned out to be milder than expected and everyone was fine. We went to the beach the next day and enjoyed the awesome waves!

September brought the end of summer and the beginning of a new school year. Hailey started first grade and Sarah started preschool. Just as we were getting settled into the new routine, we left for our trip to Las Vegas that we had planned months in advance. We met Josh's parents and my Mom there for eight days. My Dad was very sad to not be able to come, and we were sad that he couldn't be there, but he needed to stay home and prepare to begin chemo/radiation treatments. We had a great time (mostly) and packed a lot into our trip. The most eventful part of our trip, for me, was when I got stung by a tiny scorpion while walking around the rock formations at the Valley of Fire. Pretty appropriate name considering that's what it felt like when I got stung...liquid fire being injected into my foot. I won't bore you with the details, but let's just say I hope I never have to experience that again. I'm just incredibly thankful it didn't happen to one of the girls! I was sick for two weeks afterwards, but recovered fully.

In October, I started working with a personal trainer. I realized my need for serious motivation, and jumped into my new goal towards a new body. We celebrated Josh's 35th birthday on the 20th and began preparations for the kids' Halloween costumes. We had a great time with friends on Halloween and the kids got way too much candy, as usual.

Josh's cousin, Erin, came to visit us the first week of November. It was really nice to see her. Veteran's Day weekend began what we like to refer to as "The Markley Plague." Sarah woke up from her nap that Sunday with a 103 fever. She had already had strep throat twice in September and October, so I took her to Urgent Care Monday morning to have her tested again. It came back negative, so they said to just watch her while we waited for the advanced lab test to come back. By Tuesday morning, I had a fever of 102 and was miserable. That was the day the roofers came to start on our new roof. Perfect timing. : ) By the next day, my fever was over 103 and I had Josh take me to Urgent Care. I tested positive for the flu and started medication. By the next weekend I was even worse and ended up back at the doctor with severe bronchitis. At this point, Hailey and Josh also had the flu, so we were all sick together. Our wonderful fellow Area Pastors brought us meals and groceries and we are forever grateful to them. The following week, Josh eventually went back to work and I ended up with severe vertigo for about ten days. It was the sickest I've ever been and I was scared. A wonderful friend of mine took Sarah to school and back for me every day and picked Hailey up at the bus stop in the afternoon. She was a lifesaver! She prayed with me and encouraged me and I love her. Josh and the girls attended our friends' annual chili bowl cook off and brought home the golden trophy for his chili! It really was delicious and I am very proud of him. We celebrated Thanksgiving with wonderful friends during the day and with Josh's aunt and cousins in the evening. We have much to be Thankful for.

December started crazy and is ending even crazier! I love the Christmas season, I really do. This one has tested me though. Josh went on a business trip to Colorado Springs the week of the 6th. This was the same week I had agreed to put together auction baskets for Sarah's School Play/Silent Auction. Fun, yes, but incredibly exhausting. Josh doesn't know this, but it was the first time in my life where the clean dishes were in the dishwasher and the dirty dishes were piled on the counters and in the sink for three days in a row. Shhh, don't tell. : ) We left on the 16th for Seattle to spend Christmas with my family. We had a really good time just hanging out and being together.  Because we had to fly home on Christmas Day, we had our big family Christmas on the 23rd. I love my family. We always have so much fun.  We got to see a lot of our very dear friends on our trip and I am so grateful to have been able to spend time with them.  My feet and legs were giving me a lot of trouble during the week and even more so on the day we had to fly home...Christmas Day. I was hugging my Dad goodbye and crying, of course, and I very flippantly said, "Well, maybe there will be a Christmas miracle and we'll end up in first class or something. Hahaha!" So, we said our goodbyes (after a very delicious breakfast prepared by Joe and Tammi) and headed to the airport with my Mom. We got to the counter and ended up being able to check our four bags for free! Miracle #1. We got on the plane and right when we walked on I heard someone call my name. It was a friend of mine from 6th grade that I haven't seen in like 14 years! She was one of the flight attendants. We went back to our seats and were getting settled in when we heard a woman announce, "Markley, party of four, please ring your call button."  My first thought was that there was a problem with something. The flight attendant came back to our seats and said she had a surprise for us and to gather our stuff. She said we were going to first class! Miracle #2. So, we enjoyed our flight from Seattle to Dulles being pampered the whole way. God is so good!  We arrived in Dulles with about an hour to go before our next flight to Norfolk. I'll spare you the details, but my feet and legs were not doing well at all and I was a mess.  At least I knew that the next flight was only a 40 minute flight. We got on the flight and they closed the doors. But then the steward announced that we were having mechanical issues and that we would be leaving about 25 minutes late.  Long story short, after sitting on the plane for over an hour they ended up having us get off the plane and the plan was to put us on a different aircraft. Well, we sat at the next gate for another hour at least and they ended up cancelling our flight. At this point, I literally thought I was going to go out of my mind with pain and I looked at Josh in desperation and said, "What do we do?"  The main factor in this whole ordeal was that there was a major snow storm on it's way to our house and we needed to beat it home. So, after finally collecting our carry-on luggage we ended up renting a car and driving four hours home to Virginia Beach. We arrived in Dulles at 9:04pm and arrived home to Virginia Beach at 5:05am. God was with us the whole time and although there was already a lot of snow on the ground during our drive, the roads were fine and we made it safely. Miracle #3. We ended up with 15 inches of snow by the next evening and would have been stranded in Dulles without luggage for three days. We are now praying for Miracle #4...the airlines lost our checked bags and still have no record of them. I know that what's in our bags are only possessions, just "stuff", but it's stuff that means a lot to us. We know it will all work out OK somehow.

So, as this New Year unfolds, I'm excited to see what is in store for us in 2011. God has been incredibly faithful to us and has blessed us beyond measure. I pray that as you ponder the events of 2010, that you will look back and see your blessings and thank God for all you have. We are going into this New Year filled with hope, thankfulness, excitement, and filled with love for each other. 2011 is going to be a great year! In the words of some of my VA Beach friends, it's going to be Epic! I pray that each one of you will have an amazing year. I know many of you have endured hardships, sorrows, and losses in 2010. I pray for you all that you can look ahead to the New Year with hope for a bright future. I pray blessings upon you and your families, your health, your jobs, and your lives. I pray for failures to turn into successes and for sorrow to turn into joy. I pray for peace to invade your homes and cover all anxiety. We love you all very much and can't wait to hear your stories of what the New Year brings. Happy New Year everyone!

Love,

Josh, Tracie, Hailey and Sarah

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-15T14:23:00.000-05:00

I am taking a break from packing for our trip to Washington tomorrow. I am so excited to see my family! I pray that you all have a very Merry Christmas! Make sure you let your loved ones know how much you care about them and how valuable they are. Set aside your differences (if you have any) and forgive offenses. Start the new year fresh. Life is just too short to hold onto grudges.

It's been well over a month since I've written a blog post. It feels strange to have gone this long without writing. I got the flu in the first week of November, which turned into a lung infection and bronchitis, and I was in bed for 2 1/2 weeks. It was the sickest I've ever been in my life. It took another couple weeks after that for me to finally feel back to normal. Then I had to catch up on all of the things I couldn't do when I was sick. I'm still trying to catch up! I'm very much looking forward to our vacation, and to relaxing.

I have much on my heart to share with you, but I also have to finish packing. : ) So, I will save my thoughts for another time. This time it won't be so long in between. Until then...take care of yourself, love one another, pray for one another, and enjoy the Christmas season to the fullest! Jesus came so that we could have life, and have it more abundantly. I pray His most abundant blessings on each and every one of you.

Love,

Tracie

Freedom From "What Ifs"

2010-11-06T08:33:00.000-04:00

I read a quote this afternoon by Suze Orman, internationally acclaimed personal finance expert. She said, "Financial freedom is having your heart and mind free from the what-ifs of life." I thought it was a really cool quote. Everyone wants financial freedom, or should anyway. Financial freedom would solve a lot of people's problems, including my own. However, it won't solve all of them. Her quote got me thinking about the "what-ifs" of life that have to do with more than just finances. Things like, the death of a loved one, a sudden illness, a broken relationship, fear of the unknown, fear of death, loss of reputation, loss of a pet, natural disasters, etc. How awesome would it be to have our minds and our hearts free of those worries?! Well, there's good news...it's completely possible. Think about her quote and replace the word "financial" with the word "spiritual." It then reads like this, "Spiritual freedom is having your heart and mind free from the what-ifs of life."

The definition of the word freedom is: voluntary; without restraint; without cost; to set at liberty. Jesus came to give us total freedom. He paid the cost so that we wouldn't have to. Spiritual freedom is way more valuable to me than financial freedom. Don't get me wrong, financial freedom is a huge goal for me and always will be. But I could have all the money in the world and yet, if my spirit is broken and in bondage, where would that leave me? Money does not solve all your problems or make you happy permanently. You need something more.

Here are some scriptures regarding freedom:

"In my anguish I cried to the Lord, and he answered me by setting me free. The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? The Lord is with me; he is my helper. I will look in triumph on my enemies. It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man." ~ Psalm 118:5-8

Every day we have to put our confidence in something or someone. When we get on a plane, we are putting our trust in the pilot and in turn, that pilot is putting his trust in the plane. We put our money in the bank and we trust the bank, or the investor, not to lose it. We get in a car or on a bus and we are trusting that the driver is going to get us to our destination safely. If we are willing to put our trust in people or automobiles, are we willing to trust God to guide us here on earth and to our eternal destination? Do you trust him more than any human being? It is futile (and in my opinion), crazy to trust anyone or anything more than God.

This is where the "what ifs" come in. "What if the plane crashes?...What if the bus crashes on the way to my kids' school?...What if a tornado hits my house?...What if I get cancer?...What if I get mugged on the bus?...What if my son/daughter is kidnapped?..." The list of worries in our brains goes on and on. If you are living in spiritual bondage and not in spiritual freedom then this list of worries can turn into expectations. Your fear and anxiety over these things can grip you so much that you almost expect them to happen because you've made them a reality in your mind. Do you know what I'm talking about? There are times when my mind has gotten the better of me to the point where I feel like what I'm fearing has already happened, even though it hasn't. Those are the "what ifs" that Jesus came to set us free from.

2 Corinthians 3:17 says, "Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." Where the Spirit of the Lord is...where is the Spirit of the Lord? He's everywhere. And, If you have accepted Jesus Christ into your heart as your Lord and Savior, then the Spirit of the Lord is in you. You already have it, you're already free. The same power that raised Jesus from the dead lives in you! It's such a lie from the pit of hell when you hear people say that YOU have to do something to get into the presence of God, like light candles or burn incense, or chant specific things. If you have Jesus living in you, His presence is with you no matter where you are or what you're doing. You can call on him in the middle of Wal-Mart and he'll be right there with you. You can call on him in jail and he will be right there with you. You can call on him from a ship in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and he'll be right there with you. You don't have to be any specific place at any specific time for him to be with you. It's not where the candles are burning just right, where the prayers cloths are all laid out 'just so', or only where the elders are gathered, etc. Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. Period. And if you call on Him, he will answer you. He will set you free. What you have to do is let him.

Psalm 34:4 says, "I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears." Notice how this verse starts out with David seeking God. He wasn't seeking man. Isaiah 41:13 says, "For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you."

Jesus promises to help us. When you release your worries and your "what ifs" to him, he will take them from you. The key is, once you give them to him, DON'T take them back! If you do, give them right back. If you have to do that fifty times a day, do it. If you are in the habit of worrying about "what ifs", then it will take some practice for you to trust God. (See my earlier blog post, Practice Makes Perfect.) You can be free from the "what ifs" of life. You can! In order to be free you must trust God. Put your hope entirely in him, no matter what your circumstances.

If some of your "what ifs" have actually come true in your life, it doesn't mean that Jesus doesn't love you or that he's punishing you. It also doesn't mean that you have to beat yourself up about it either. Romans 8:1 says, "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death." He has offered us freedom from sin, and power to do His will. We live in a world of sin and bad things happen. But, there is a God who promises to be with us no matter what we are going through. We don't have to fear the "what ifs" of life because we know that no matter what happens, we are not alone. God is there and he will always be there when we call on him. He will never leave you or forsake you. His plans for you are good and not evil. He is preparing a place in Heaven for you. Our home is with Him, our final destination. That is spiritual freedom.

That "One Thing"

2010-10-17T09:30:00.000-04:00

Last week, I started a new workout routine and decided to cut out sugar all in the same 48 hour time period. What was I thinking? I have to say that physically, I feel really good (even though my muscles are questioning that statement.) Mood wise, I feel like I need to hit something. I finally had to admit to myself that sugar was an addiction. I have had a major sweet tooth my whole life and trying to break a 34 year-old habit isn't so easy. However, I am allowing myself one cheat day a week when I can eat whatever I want for one meal...including the biggest dessert I can find. Eventually, I'm sure I won't even want the dessert. Or if I do, maybe just half. It's amazing how once you remove something from your life for a long enough period of time, your body doesn't crave it the same way. (At least, that's what I'm telling myself will happen.)

I guess sugar is like any other addiction. Alcohol, drugs, nicotine, etc. AND sugar all have the same effect when it comes to cravings. When you are trying really hard to avoid something it seems like that's the very thing you want the most. It's so unfair. Like, when you're driving around town and the light posts look like chocolate covered pretzel sticks and the stop signs look like lollipops and you could swear that the brown Toyota that just passed you on the freeway was a giant Snickers bar sent to torture you...sigh. I don't know, maybe I need some serious help. Have you ever felt this way? It is a total mind-over-matter thing with me. I have to immediately think of something else, take a huge gulp of water, or put gum in my mouth if it gets really bad just to make it through the temptation some days. Crazy? Maybe. But, whatever it takes, I'm going to make it to my goal. I can't afford not to.

What started this whole thing is the fact that my legs and feet have been acting up a lot lately. By acting up I mean extreme pain that I clench my teeth to get through. This does not fit into my schedule and, therefore, is unacceptable. I absolutely refuse to go through another winter in so much pain that I feel like I want to saw my legs off. In order for me to do that, or make a try for it anyway, is to increase physical exercise and decrease foods that are not good for me. I know this because it's worked in the past. Why didn't I stick with it if it was working? Well, I'm an emotional eater. There, I said it. Food makes me happy. A big bowl of mashed potatoes and gravy or homemade mac 'n cheese really does cheer me up. That, along with a giant piece of cheesecake...any flavor. The problem is, when I eat that stuff I get lazy, I get a headache, and I don't want to do anything but sit around. Sitting around for too long and letting exercise slip by month after month is what leads to more pain in my legs and feet.

So, what made me snap out of this and decide to make these changes? The Lord has been speaking to me a lot lately about abundant life, living with conviction and self-control, pursuing peace, etc. I'm realizing that what he's called me to do cannot be done from my couch. Last Sunday night, I really did not want to get up off the couch and go to church. I was in pain, I was in my pj's, and I just didn't want to go. Whenever I feel like that, it usually means I'm really supposed to go. As it turns out, what the Lord spoke to me through that message was what has changed me, for good. The main quote I took with me was, "It's the break-away that makes the breakthrough." Until we're ready to break away from that "something" that we're holding onto, we won't see the breakthrough we need. We have to be willing to break away from old ways and old habits.

He had these bars (like jail bars) set up on stage with a large piece of fruit sitting on a table behind them. He reached his hand in the bars and grabbed hold of the fruit and wouldn't let go. As hard as he tried, he couldn't break away from the bars because he refused to let go of the fruit. He asked these questions: "What is that one thing, that one issue, the one thing you can't let go of?" Immediately, my answer was sugar. I realized that until I was willing to let go of that, there was no way I was going to get my breakthrough. And I NEED this breakthrough! I can't do this on my own either. I have to ask for Jesus to help me because in my own strength, it won't happen the way it needs to. Now, I'm not discounting my own strength, and Jesus doesn't either. It is entirely up to me whether or not I exercise and have willpower over sugar and foods I shouldn't eat. But, I do need his help and I know that because he spoke to me so clearly about this, he's going to help me.

Your "one thing" may be something completely different from mine. But, I encourage you to think about what it might be...if you even have one. You could be doing great and walking in your breakthrough right now. If you are, Praise the Lord! I will surely be praising him when I'm walking in mine. But if you aren't, and you are still waiting for your breakthrough, then take a look at what you might be holding on to. Once you know what it is, give it to God and let it go. I'll keep you posted on my new journey. I'm so excited I can hardly stand it!!!

Pursuing Peace

2010-10-07T16:00:00.000-04:00

I don't know if you're like me, but I am not a huge fan of "change." I like life to be exciting and fun, but I also crave stability. I don't like it when things are unsettled. Every now and then I'll get a feeling that something, some kind of change, is around the corner. For a brief moment, I'll feel a twinge of excitement. In the next moment, I get an uneasy feeling that comes over me. I really hate that because I'd rather just be excited. The thing is, I have no idea what I'm excited or uneasy about! It's just a "feeling" that a change is coming. I've had this feeling for a couple of days now and I really wish it would go away.

I've had some big changes happen in my life. I've gotten through every one of them with the Lord's help, so I have no doubt that if a change really is coming He'll be with me through it. I think the worst part is not knowing what the change is. It could very well be a positive change...but there's no way to tell the future. In these times when I have this feeling, I have to really guard myself against anxiety. Anxiety creeps in so easily and it can wreak havoc in your life. I cling to the verse that says, "The Lord is near. ⁶Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." ~ Philippians 4:5b-7

I need the peace of God that transcends all understanding, especially in these times of uncertainty about the future. At our women's service at church yesterday, the speaker talked about "The Pursuit of Peace." I found it really interesting when she said that we have to pursue peace. It's really true. We can't expect peace to just fall into our lap and make us feel all warm and fuzzy. Now, there have been times where I've been having a tough day and all of a sudden a peace has come over me that I didn't understand, but I was glad it was there. It usually ends up that someone will tell me later that they were praying for me that day. But, in the times where you feel like your heart and mind are in turmoil, you have to go after peace. Sometimes you have to chase it down in an active effort to find it. And sometimes, when you do find it, it's not exactly a warm fuzzy kind of feeling that you get. It's a "knowing" deep in your heart, your gut, that everything is going to be OK. It settles you even though on the surface you may still "feel" unsettled. That kind of peace comes from praying, reading the Word, talking with other godly people who are speaking life into your situation, etc.

I have no idea what this particular feeling that I'm having now is going to turn out to be but I know my God is with me no matter what, good or bad. I know this because he's never failed me and I know he loves me. What do you do to find peace? Where do you go? I know for me, sometimes it seems near impossible! With my two girls, my husband, the jets constantly flying over my house, etc., etc., there isn't really much peace unless I put ear plugs in and climb under the covers. Even then, my thoughts are there, and when I sleep, my dreams are there. I wonder why we equate peace with silence?

I used to try to find peace by taking a walk along the waterfront, having a cup of tea, going for a long drive, etc. It always worked to calm me down, but only temporarily. I was basically trying to run away from the feeling of unsettledness, but as my pastor likes to say, "Wherever you go, there you are!" The only way to find true peace is not to run away from the bad feelings, but to run to the Lord. You may not have peace the very first time you pray. Sometimes you have to pray for a few days, or even weeks! But, God promises us that if we seek Him, we will find him. When we find Him, we find peace.

I will keep you posted as to what this "feeling" turns out to be. It might be nothing at all. Usually though, when the feeling is this strong and won't go away, I can pretty much bet on something happening. I'm believing for good things! Until I know, I'll be camping out with my Bible and a cup of tea. (Tea really does help.)

Be Yourself

2010-09-13T10:42:00.001-04:00

Time flies! What a crazy few weeks this has been. I have a very bad cold right now, so forgive me if this post sounds a bit scatter-brained. I found out on August 19th that my Dad has brain cancer. This has been very difficult news to handle. I wanted to see my Dad and knew that I wouldn't see him until Christmas unless I went to visit before school started, so I left for Washington a few days later and spent the week with my family. It was so good to be home with them! We didn't do much of anything, and that was just fine with me. The week after I got back was spent preparing for both my girls to start school. Hailey is in first grade and Sarah is in pre-school. Once school began, I was feeling a little guilty reading some of my friends' facebook posts about how much they wished their kids were still home with them and that they were sad school had started. I wondered if something was wrong with me...if I should be feeling the same way. I love my kids, but I am happy they are in school. They are happy they're in school! I have needed some time to myself so badly. I miss my kids when they're at school and I'm a much happier mommy when they get home because I've been able to accomplish my tasks for the day (for the most part), so when they get home I can devote my time to them.

I have spent so much of my life caring more about what other people think of me than what I think of me or what I felt was best for me. I used to envy the confidence that my friends had and their ability to just speak their mind and express their opinions. I have realized how many things would have been different if I would have just taken ownership of my needs and been ok with them instead of feeling guilty about them. It's ok to need a break. It's ok to be happy my kids are in school. It's ok to be aware of my needs.

I remember in high school how much I just wanted people to like me. When I think back even further, I can remember in middle school how I would imitate my friends' handwriting so that it would look cool like theirs. I actually changed the way I wrote to feel better about myself. Sounds super silly now, but at the time it really was a big deal to me. I found one of my diaries from that time period and cracked up about my handwriting. We called it "bubble writing." Over time, it was just too much effort to keep it up and I went back to my own style. Same goes for high school. I eventually realized that trying to be like everyone else was really hard work. I stood out from the crowd because I didn't do drugs, didn't sleep around, didn't party and was a virgin. Those things alone made it impossible to be like everyone else. Believe me, I got made fun of. A lot. But, in talking with and reconnecting with high school friends in recent months, they have expressed to me that they always admired me in school. What? I wish someone would have told me that back then. I ended up partying a bit my senior year and "felt" more popular. But, as the next several years would tell, I wish I would have stayed true to who I really was. I would have avoided a lot of heartache.

I guess my point is that you have to do what is best for yourself, even at the expense of sometimes of looking stupid or disappointing others. You ultimately have to listen to the still small voice on the inside of you and not the voices of the people around you. I find it odd and somewhat frustrating that I still get the "high school" feeling now, as an adult. I am still self-conscious and still care about what others think of me. I think we all feel like that at times. However, I've learned that being myself is the only way I can be and not go crazy. At the end of the day, what Jesus thinks of me is what really matters. What my husband and kids think of me matters.

Sometimes it's hard to forget the feelings of the past. Do you ever get hit out of the blue with a song or a smell or something that just takes you right back to a certain event in your past? That happened to me the other day and it was like I literally went back in time to a specific moment. Sometimes it can be a good moment and sometimes it can be an unpleasant one. This particular time, it was an unpleasant memory. I felt exactly the same way I felt in 9th grade when I was the last person picked for the soccer team during P.E. I remember the feeling of standing on the wet grass looking at two teams being formed, and I was one of two girls left standing in the original line. I wanted to run away and cry. Instead, I just pretended that it didn't bother me when really, I cried for a week every day after school about it. Why in the world would I even remember that now? Well, I believe it was the Lord revealing to me a past hurt that I never fully dealt with. That was only one instance in my high school life that I felt like that. There were several others. So, I dealt with that and have now moved on to dealing with my present circumstances.

The bottom line is that I am ok with being different from everyone else. It's ok to be different. We need to be embracing each other's differences, in my opinion. I don't want the "high school" feeling to follow me for the rest of my life. Who I am is who I am. Who you are is who you are. What the Lord has led me through is different from what he's led you through. I am not going to feel guilty that I only want two kids and that I'm happy they're in school. I'm going to be ok with wearing bulky and comfy shoes and not strappy heels. We are all unique and precious to the Lord. He made us, so why do we try to re-make us? He made me, me. And that's ok with me. : )

Don't Be Offended

2010-08-19T10:36:00.000-04:00

Today was one of those mornings where I really wanted to read the Word, but didn't have a clue what to read. So, I just opened my bible and landed in Proverbs. I read a couple chapters until I came to one particular verse. "An offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city, and disputes are like the barred gates of a citadel." ~ Prov. 18:19 Normally, this verse probably wouldn't have caught my eye. However, over the past few days I've been feeling really "offended" by someone and have had the desire to begin a dispute. Because this verse struck me so hard that I couldn't seem to read past it, I decided to research some of the words in this verse to get the full meaning behind it. (You know how much I love to use my dictionary.) Usually the commentary at the bottom of the page helps me out, but there is no commentary for this verse in my bible.

First, I looked up what a fortified city was. Here is the description from Wikipedia: A defensive wall is a fortification used to defend a city or settlement from potential aggressors. In ancient to modern times, they were used to enclose settlements. Generally, these are referred to as city walls or town walls, although there were also walls, such as the Great Wall of China, Hadrian's Wall, and the metaphorical Atlantic Wall, which extended far beyond the borders of a city and were used to enclose regions or mark territorial boundaries. Beyond their defensive utility many walls also had important symbolic functions — representing the status and independence of the communities they embraced.

Part of the Great Wall of China, a UNESCO World Heritage Site.

Defensive wall in Stargard Szczeciński, Poland.

Walls of Dubrovnik, Croatia.

Lugo roman walls, Galicia.

Please bear with me as I go through some definitions of words and pick this verse apart a bit. I don't know about you, but even though I think I know the meaning of words, I like to look them up at times when it comes to scripture. I believe every word in the bible is God-breathed and I really want to know what He was saying when he gave men the inspiration to write it. I'm also a very visual person, which is why I'm posting some pictures in this post.

I looked up the word "unyielding." It means, 1. Not compliant, submissive, or flexible: his unyielding attitude. 2. Not pliable or soft: a firm and unyielding surface.

Next, I looked up "offended." To offend someone is to: 1. Cause resentful displeasure; irritate, annoy, or anger: a remark so thoughtless it can only offend. 2. To err in conduct; commit a sin, crime, or fault. So if someone did to you any of the above, you could call yourself offended.

Next, I looked up "citadel." It is: 1. A fortress that commands a city and is used in the control of the inhabitants and in defense during attack or siege. 2. Any strongly fortified place; stronghold. 3. A stronghold within or close to a city. 4. Any strongly fortified building or place of safety; refuge. 5. A specially strengthened part of the hull of a warship.

The Citadel: Cairo, Egypt

Back side of The Citadel: Cairo, Egypt

Next, I looked up "dispute." It's 1. A debate, controversy, or difference of opinion. 2. A wrangling argument; quarrel.

So let's put it all together, or try to anyway. First, let's look at the verse again. "An offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city, and disputes are like the barred gates of a citadel." Now, let's read it again but this time we'll insert some of the definitions of the words I looked up. A resentful, irritated, annoyed, or angered brother is more non-compliant, un-submissive, inflexible, un-pliable and harder than a city who has set up a massive defensive wall to defend itself against potential aggressors...and debates, controversies, wrangling arguments and quarrels are like the barred gates of a strongly fortified place; stronghold, or a fortress that commands a city and is used in the control of the inhabitants and in defense during attack or siege.

As I read over the verse again and again after defining all the terms, here is what I think the verse is saying: It is pointless to argue with an offended person. That's not what I originally thought the verse was saying. At first I thought it was telling me that it was wrong to be an offended person because of how ugly it is to be an offended person. That is true. I also thought it was saying that disputes are about as pointless as trying to break into the barred gates of a citadel. Also true. But I think what the Holy Spirit has revealed to me is that the person who "offended" me is them self, very much offended; and that raising a dispute with this person would be as futile as breaching the walls of a fortified city. Wow!

So, what do I do with this? I'm still hurt by what this person has done. I still have to deal with this person. I can't make them an un-offended person. So, what do I do? If you read a little further into Proverbs 19, it says in verse 11, "A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense." Then in chapter 20, verse 3, it says "It is to a man's honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel." I think my answer comes in chapter 26, verses 4 and 5. "Do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you will be like him yourself. 5 Answer a fool according to his folly, or he will be wise in his own eyes." This is what the commentary says regarding these verses: "These two verses seem to be in contradiction. But the writer is saying that we shouldn't take a foolish person seriously and try to reason with his or her empty arguments. This will only make him or her proud and determined to with the argument. In some situations, you ought not to even try to answer a fool, for there is no way you can penetrate his or her closed mind (think, 'fortified city' or 'citadel'.) You may, in fact, be stooping to that person's level if you do choose to answer. Such a fool will abuse you and you will be tempted to abuse him or her in return (think, 'wrangling quarrel' or 'debate'.) There are other situations where your common sense tells you to answer in order to expose the fool's pride and folly."

In my case, I think it's going to take a little bit of both. But, more on the side of just keeping my mouth shut to disputes and forgiving the offense and moving on. I would love to hear your comments on this verse and what it means to you. I love digging around in the bible because sometimes what you initially see isn't really what the Lord wants to show you. That's why he says in Proverbs 2 that if we look for wisdom as silver and search for it as hidden treasure, then we will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God.

At the risk of this post being even longer than it already is, here is a link to an article called "How to Overcome Being Easily Offended." I thought it was interesting. I've not researched the rest of the website, so I don't necessarily endorse all of the advice on it. I just thought these suggestions were pretty good. Again, I would love to hear your comments on this subject. Let's all try to remember to simply love one another and be quick to forgive. It's what Jesus would do. : )

Some Questions To Ask Yourself:
Are you easily offended?
Do you build, or have you built up walls around your heart to protect yourself from potential aggressors?
Do you look for reasons to be offended?
Can you forgive someone easily?
Is your heart hardened as the walls of a fortified city?
Have you allowed offenses to become strongholds?

Get Doubt Out!

2010-08-17T11:08:00.001-04:00

I conquered a fear last night! Well, not so much a fear as just something I was really nervous to do. So nervous that I was literally shaking like a leaf. Two years ago, even one year ago, it was still a fear. I have spent much time and effort in the last few years trying to overcome my fears regarding my feet and legs. Last night, I proved to myself that I can do what God has called me to do now. We know all the scriptures...(ie. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.) But do we really believe them? I used to say that I believed I could do all things through Christ who gives me strength, but on the inside, I was double-minded. It was a really tough day for me when I became aware of just how double-minded I was.

This is the passage of scripture I was reading when I discovered this: "2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4 Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6 But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does." ~ James 1:2-8

When I examined my heart after reading that passage of scripture; when I was truly honest with myself, I realized that all the years I have been dealing with this pain in my feet and legs I've been praying and doubting at the same time. God still began healing me, but I believe the reason why I haven't received my complete healing yet is because of the tiny seed of doubt that is still buried in there. Do I want that seed to be there anymore? No! The only way to get down to that bad seed and dig it out is to start doing things that are seriously uncomfortable. Start exercising my faith little by little, one "scoopful" of dirt at a time. I didn't even realize that the seed was in there until the Holy Spirit revealed it to me in my devotion time with him a few months ago. (Just one more reason why I stress the importance of getting alone with God.) The awesome thing is, the Holy Spirit is so incredibly gentle when he reveals ugly things to us about ourselves, when he convicts us. I did not feel condemned in the slightest, however, I did feel extremely humbled and repentant. That is how I knew it was the Lord.

Sometimes when our true character is revealed it can really be a shock to us! I know it was for me. But we can't truly know the depth of our character until we face trials, until the pressure is on. In those trials is where perseverance is learned. To persevere means: to persist in anything undertaken; maintain a purpose in spite of difficulty, obstacles, or discouragement; continue steadfastly. James said in verse 4 that perseverance must finish its work so that we may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. I've been on the verge of giving up many times over the last sixteen years. There have been some really dark moments in the last few years where I felt that the "waves" of what I was dealing with were going to overtake me. Yet, when I thought about what giving up would mean, there was absolutely no way I could do it. To give up would have meant going against everything God says in his Word for my life. I would have had to deny him and go my own way in order to give up, and that was unacceptable to me. So, I kept going. I'm still going.

I want to show you what the commentary in my bible says about verses 6-8:

To "believe and not doubt" means not only believing in the existence of God, but also believing in his loving care. It includes relying on God and expecting that he will hear and answer when we pray. We must put away our critical attitude when we come to him. God does not grant every thoughtless or selfish request. We must have confidence that God will align our desires with his purposes. A mind that wavers is not completely convinced that God's way is best. It treats God's Word like any human advice, and it retains the option to disobey. It vacillates between allegiance to subjective feelings, the world's ideas, and God's commands. If your faith is new, weak, or struggling, remember that you can trust God. Then be loyal to him. To stabilize your wavering or doubtful mind, commit yourself wholeheartedly to God. If you have ever seen the constant rolling of huge waves at sea, you know how restless they are - subject to the forces of wind, gravity, and tide. Doubt leaves a person as unsettled as the restless waves. If you want to stop being tossed about, rely on God to show you what is best for you. Ask him for wisdom, and trust he will give it to you. Then your decisions will be sure and solid.

I realized after I read that commentary that I was restless, unstable and unsettled. Even after praying, I'd have a temporary peace, but it was very short-lived because I didn't have peace in my mind. How can we have peace in our bodies when our minds are as restless as the waves of the sea? It's just not possible. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that once you've lived with something for so long, you can't imagine your life without it. For me, that something is pain. For you, it could be an addiction, a lust, a hurt, etc. Whatever it is, if you are praying for the Lord to give you wisdom, or for him to solve your problem, or heal you, then you have to truly believe with all your heart that he hears your prayers and that he will answer them. His plans are not our plans and his ways are much higher than our ways. We can't put God on the clock. His timing is perfect. If we force the issue, or get all mad and scream at God it will do us no good. It just reveals more and more of our immaturity. That is why we must persevere if we have any hope of getting where God wants us to go. Persevere in our trial and persevere in our faith and trust in God.

The Lord has told me many times what he wants me to do, and many times I've ignored his promptings out of fear. That is why I am so happy that I didn't quit last night. Whatever it is you're facing, STAND. Don't waiver, don't be restless, don't doubt. The Lord will give you everything you need to run this race for him no matter how many obstacles come your way.

(Mark 11:22-25) 22 "Have faith in God," Jesus answered. 23 "I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea', and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. 24 Therefore, I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. 25 And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."

Who Are You Listening To?

2010-08-13T15:33:00.005-04:00

A song by Casting Crowns just came on the radio. It's called "The Voice of Truth." I'm sure most of you have heard it before, as I have, many times. But today it has new meaning to me. As I mentioned in my previous post, my Dad was diagnosed with a brain tumor in July. A couple days ago, he went in for a biopsy of the tumor. They ended up removing the entire tumor! There are a couple of test results we are still waiting for, but the initial pathology report shows no cancer! My Dad and my entire family are so incredibly relieved.

Over the past few weeks, I have heard many "voices" in my ears. Most of them have been incredibly encouraging and I am so grateful to have so many positive people in my life. Then there are the other voices of some not so encouraging people. Some of them, I believe, were just overcome with emotion and expressed it outwardly when we initially found out about the tumor. But I realize that some people are just "doomsday folks" any way you look at them. The other "voices" were my own thoughts. Whether I was thinking them on my own, or whether the enemy (Satan) had a hand in them, I'm not entirely sure. All I know is that they were far from encouraging. Some of them were just plain scary to tell you the truth.

The question I had to ask myself was, "Who are you gonna listen to?" There's a difference between what we hear and what we choose to listen to. To hear means: a) to perceive by the ear, b) to be informed of. To listen means: a) to give attention with the ear; attend closely with the purpose of hearing; give ear, b) to pay attention; heed; obey, c) to concentrate on hearing something. We can't always choose what we hear, but we can choose what we listen to. I can hear some things that go in one ear and out the other; not affecting me in the slightest, but there are other things that I hear and then begin to really listen to. Those are the things that can take root and begin to affect me in a negative way if I'm not careful.

It is so important, especially when we're facing difficult circumstances of which we have no control over, that we choose to listen to the voice of Truth. The voice of Truth is Jesus Christ. What would the Lord say about your circumstance? What or who would the Lord tell you to believe? Who are you letting influence your thoughts? If they don't line up with the Word of God, throw them out! (Not the people, the thoughts...well, maybe some people too.) Don't let negative thoughts continue because they can turn into thought patterns and eventually end up affecting your personality. I never want to be defined as a negative person. My mind is a battlefield some days and it takes constant help from the Lord to win the battle. Don't try to defeat the battle of negative thoughts in your own strength. You need the Lord's help.

Psalm 55:22 says, "Cast all your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall."

1 Peter 5:7 says, "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." It goes on in verse 8 to say, "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."

We are easier to "devour" when we are weak. We are easier to devour when we are already troubled by our circumstances. It's crucial that we remain alert, especially when we are faced with bad news, in a bad set of circumstances, or feel all alone. Our patience, endurance, and our faith can be tested during those times and it makes it easier for the devil to prey upon us. That is why it's especially important during difficult times to surround yourself with positive and encouraging people. Get around other Christians who will lift you up, not try to tear you down or dig a deeper hole for you to lie in. Pay attention to what you are listening to and don't try to go it alone!

When Jesus said to cast all our cares on him, he didn't mean just set them down nicely at his feet. Listen to the definitions of the word "cast": a) to throw or hurl; fling, b) to throw off or away, c) to throw out, d) to throw forth; as from within; emit or eject. You have to imagine that when you are casting your cares (or, thoughts) on the Lord, you are throwing them off of you with no intention of taking them back. You are to hurl them. In the words of Judah Smith, "You gotta be a hocker! Just hock your cares at Jesus!" It takes a decision to cast your cares on Jesus. In order to cast something, you have to be willing to let it go. Let go of the negative thoughts and people in your life that are bringing you down. This gets tricky if you're dealing with say, a family member close to you. You can still interact and be polite to people who are negative, but you don't have to listen to the negative words coming out of their mouth.

I encourage you to spend some quiet time with the Lord on a daily basis. It is in those moments where we can hear him and listen to what he has to say. I'm not saying you'll never hear God unless you're sitting alone in a quiet room. But if you really need to hear the Lord regarding a certain situation, being alone and quiet and ready to listen is a good way to hear him. Guard your heart and your mind. Be ready to take every thought captive and evaluate it. If it's not in line with what God says, throw it out! God will always give you hope in the midst of your circumstances. He will always speak life into the situation. If it's not something encouraging, uplifting, positive, etc. then you can probably bet it doesn't need to be in your head. I'm not talking about regular old thoughts like, "Wow, I really like that car. That dog is funny looking. I could really go for a cup of coffee right now. Etc., etc." I'm talking about negative thoughts that make you feel something. Thoughts that lead to more thoughts, and can even change your attitude or your outlook in a negative way. Those are the ones that you need to cast off of you almost before you are even done thinking it.

I look at a negative thought as though a creepy spider just landed on me. Do you think there's a chance that I'm going to let that spider just hang out on my pant leg? No way! I'm going to cast it off as soon as I know it's there. Then, I'm going to make sure I killed it and look around for more of them to make sure there are no other spiders in sight. That's what you have to do when you get negative thoughts. Check to see where the thought came from and if it's developed into any kind of a pattern. It's easy to let one negative thought slip in, then another one, and another one. That's why you have to have to deal with them as quickly as possible.

I will leave you with one last scripture. "We demolish arguments and take every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." - 2 Corinthians 10:5 Paul uses military terminology to describe this warfare against sin and Satan. Even our thoughts must be submitted to God as we live this life for Him.

Practice Makes Perfect

2010-07-24T13:50:00.006-04:00

It's hard to put into words what I've been feeling over the past five days. Last Tuesday, my Dad was diagnosed with a brain tumor. He has started blogging about his experience, and is posting updates every day. I encourage you to read his blog at www.chrisbayer.com. He is handling the news very well and is so unbelievably encouraging. I've always admired my Dad and the way he looks at life and all its challenges. At times during my childhood, I would almost be upset with him because he was so darn positive all the time. I wanted to sulk and complain and he always made sure I didn't stay in that mood for very long. Sometimes his optimism was really annoying, actually. : ) That is the way he has always looked at life. Even in his darkest, most stressful moments he has trusted the Lord completely. I am sure that is the reason why he can be so positive and confident in the Lord right now with this diagnosis.

I, myself, find my brain and heart a confusing mess one minute and then strong and confident the next. I feel like my emotions are on a yo-yo. I guess that's normal when you've received disturbing news, but as my Dad always told me, "Just keep breathing. That's all you have to do. Let God do the rest." I strive each day to trust the Lord with my whole heart, mind, and soul. I have to admit that sometimes I freak out first and then I come to my senses and go back to trusting the Lord. I know my Dad has felt real fear in situations throughout his life. It's not like he's a "super-faith" or "hyper-spiritual" person. I just believe that he has practiced trusting the Lord for so long that it has developed into a deep trust that comes naturally to him. That is where I want to be.

When you practice something, it means you are doing it on purpose and usually with a goal in mind. For example, you practice the piano so that you can play it well. You practice soccer so that you will be prepared when you're in the game. If you want to be a professional pianist, or play in the World Cup, you have to practice. The word practice is defined as: 1.) repeated performance or systematic exercise for the purpose of acquiring skill or proficiency (practice makes perfect). 2.) to perform or do habitually or usually (to practice a strict regimen). 3.) to train or drill (a person, animal, etc.) in something in order to give proficiency.

When I think of my Dad, I think of how he has constantly practiced trusting the Lord. He trusts the Lord on purpose. He trusts him in the little things and the big things. I think that when we practice trusting the Lord in the little things, then when the big things come that require us to completely trust the Lord, we are ready to trust Him immediately and without hesitation. I'm not saying that it's wrong to have human emotions thrown in there. It would be impossible to remove our emotions from situations because we are emotional creatures. It's in our design and make up. What I'm talking about is being able to have our emotions, but have them secondary to our trust in God. Our emotions should not overrule our trust.

In order to do this, we have to practice it. Faith takes action. We can say we have all the faith in the world, but then we get a terrible diagnosis from the doctor, or we lose a loved one unexpectedly, or our house burns down, etc. and we crumple into a puddle. Sometimes it doesn't even take much of anything to shake our trust. We have to be in practice so that when things happen, big or small, we are ready to trust the Lord first, and without hesitation. We absolutely should not stifle our emotions or try to pretend them away to appear like we are super amazing, inhumanly strong in the face of adversity, super spiritual superman/woman...blah, blah, blah. We are not to be fake. People can almost always see right through you when you are pretending to be something you're not. Don't pretend to be anything other than what you are. Admit that you are human, let the emotions come, but while the emotions are happening, snuggle up in the arms of the Lord and let him hold you. Let him be your strength. You can't be fake with God. He knows every thought in your head before you think it and he loves you anyway.

Practicing something isn't always a piece of cake. There are times of fatigue, pain, and frustration...especially if what you're practicing doesn't come naturally to you. If I decided right now to start practicing to be a world-famous dancer, I wouldn't get very far. I'm not saying I could never do it, I'm saying that it would be a very difficult thing for me to practice because it doesn't come easy to me. If I was practicing to record an album, or perform a song at church, it wouldn't require as much effort or pain because singing comes naturally to me. Trusting the Lord seems like it would be an easy thing to practice, but when you get hit with shocking news, especially when it's someone you are very close to, your brain can start whirring with all sorts of fearful thoughts. You immediately think of all the other people you've ever known that have gone through the same thing, and what their outcome or demise was. The goal is to stop the thoughts right away and start practicing trusting the Lord instead. Trust Him on purpose.

As the next few weeks unfold, I will be doing my very best to keep my trust in Jesus Christ, the One who heals. I will not let my mind run like crazy and drive me to the point of anxiety. Waiting is the hardest part I think...waiting for test results, waiting on doctors, getting second and third opinions, etc. I will be waiting on the Lord, because that is what the Word tells me to do. It is by reading the Word and leaning on Jesus that I will find the strength I need.

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; they shall walk, and not faint." ~ Isaiah 40:31

Before I Was A Mommy...

2010-06-15T09:57:00.006-04:00

Before I was a Mommy (in no particular order):

Before I was a Mommy...I never knew the full meaning of the word "wonder."

I never thought it would be possible to stare at the same person for hours upon hours and never get bored.

I never knew what it meant to be truly exhausted.

I never knew what a miracle a woman's body truly is.

I never fully appreciated the value of a full night's sleep.

I ate hot meals.

Before I was a Mommy...I used to say things like, "My kids will NEVER act like that!"

I should have kept my mouth shut about other people's kids.

I daydreamed about the wonderful Mommy I would be.

I didn't understand just how far my emotions would be tested.

I never stuffed frozen cabbage leaves in my bra.

Before I was a Mommy...I had a flat tummy and zero stretch marks.

I didn't know how fascinating a leaf of grass was.

I didn't know what squished up pears and bananas tasted like.

I didn't know what the best stain remover was.

I read lots of books.

Before I was a Mommy...I used to think I had it all together.

My house was clean.

I never laughed as much as I do now.

I didn't understand what it would be like to be so proud of someone.

I didn't cry at every sappy movie and commercial on TV.

Before I was a Mommy...I never knew how truly protective I would be.

I didn't wear Strawberry Shortcake band-aids to a pool party.

I didn't know that my heart could be so full of love.

I didn't know that I could have ever created something so wonderful.

I couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that I could grow a person inside my body.

Before I was a Mommy...I never knew I could feel so much frustration.

I never knew every color of every Disney princess's dress.

I never knew that someone so small could love me with such a big huge love.

I never gave out butterfly kisses, eskimo kisses, and ladybug kisses on a nightly basis.

I could sleep as long as I wanted on a Saturday morning.

Before I was a Mommy...The only thing I left the house with was my purse. And it was a small one.

I didn't have precious artwork on my refrigerator.

My couch cushions stayed exactly where I put them.

I didn't see tiny hand prints and fingerprints on every shiny surface and window.

I didn't give a second thought to where every pair of scissors was in the house.

Before I was a Mommy...I wondered why the first day of Kindergarten was such a big deal.

I didn't jump in mud puddles.

I didn't truly know the repercussions of "Oh, I'll have just one more small slice of cheesecake."

I was never asked such challenging questions.

I was never hugged so much.

Before I was a Mommy...I couldn't identify what was in a bowel movement. (I know, gross!)

I was never peed or pooped on (well, by a tiny human anyway.)

I never picked any one's nose.

I never rubbed any one's tummy for hours trying to get them to pass gas.

I learned the hard way not to hold a baby over your head after they've just been fed.

Before I was a Mommy...I never fully understood unconditional love.

I never thought my heart could be so full.

I didn't really understand how fast "time flies."

I never knew I'd be so sad about time flying.

I never knew how much I would want to hold onto my kids, and let them go at the same time.

I never knew how much there is to learn about love and life.

Now that I'm a Mommy, I am very much changed. I'm so thankful for this precious gift of Motherhood. It's the hardest and most rewarding job I've ever had. Please, God, help me to be exactly the kind of mommy that my kids need me to be. Help me be the mommy you've created me to be. Help me to always lean on you and never forget that my children are precious gifts from you. Thank you for trusting me with them. Thank you for loving me, Your daughter, so much that you would allow me to feel even a fraction of the love that you feel for me when I hold my kids. I will do my best to raise them to be Godly women, fully devoted to you. Amen.

It's Just Stuff

2010-06-09T07:12:00.005-04:00

Lately, my three year old has become very destructive. I have no idea where this is coming from, but let me tell you, it has been trying my emotions like no other. I was standing at the sink doing dishes the other day and heard a weird banging noise coming from the dining room where Sarah was eating breakfast. When my brain registered that this was not a good sound to be hearing in the dining room, I walked in to see what she was doing. Well, she was banging her fork into the surface of the table over and over again making puncture wounds and chipping the finish off with every strike. Can we say steam and smoke coming out of my ears?

I wish I could say I was calm. I wish I could say I handled myself with extreme self-control. Alas, I can not. I freaked out! I yelled...loudly. I made her cry, and I am not proud of that. I was so angry at the fact that she ruined our table that I forgot I was dealing with a fragile 3-year old little spirit. I know that she needs to be punished and learn that destroying things in our home is not acceptable, but I really wish I would have handled it differently.

Have you ever done something like that? It's the worst feeling in the world because not only did you hurt your child's feelings, but you still have to punish them so they know that being destructive is not OK. On top of that, you are upset about your "stuff" being ruined. Is the table still usable? Yes, of course. But, the table is special to me for reasons that might seem silly to someone else and I was really really bummed about it being scratched up.

Some of you are probably thinking, well if your table was so darn precious, then why didn't you have a tablecloth on it? Or protective tabletop pads? Or at least place mats? Well, as they say, hindsight is 20/20. My reasons for hating tablecloths and place mats are probably pretty stupid, but I have my reasons. I guess the lesson learned is that I might have to endure a nice, vinyl tablecloth for a while and fore go the pretty table runner, candles, etc. until my kids are older. My kids are extremely messy eaters (still), and I have no desire to be doing an extra load of laundry every day or endure a few days of a nasty, smelly, stained tablecloth on the table. I also have no desire to have an entire cupboard in my kitchen dedicated to tablecloths and place mats! I know, might sound stupid, but those are just a couple reasons why I'm even typing about this right now.

I've also realized that when these issues arise, sometimes I let my anger run-a-muck and I start complaining about how this house is too small to have a kitchen table that I don't really care about (where the kids can eat and do their art projects, etc.), and then a nice formal table. Right now, my nice formal table is the only table we can eat at as a family every night. So, I guess I have to be willing to sacrifice the "good table" for laughs and jokes with the fam. When it comes right down to it, it seems like that's not really a sacrifice.

Am I the only woman who's ever felt like this before? There are other things that Sarah has ruined lately that haven't been so important, but she still needs to realize that no matter what it is, it's not hers to ruin. I realize that she's only three and that some things are not done with malice. I have to handle those situations differently (after determining what her intentions really were.) It's tough sometimes, really tough. Kind of like the time when Hailey broke a necklace that was my Great-Grandma's. To make it even worse, my husband thought it was just one of her dress-up necklaces and vacuumed up all the beads. Yeah, I cried. I did find one bead under our bed a little while later and I still have it in my jewelry box.

The bottom line of this entire post is that "it's JUST stuff." Why do we get so attached to the things of this world? Well, maybe because some things are attached to memories; some things are expensive and maybe we worked really hard to pay for it; some things are rare, or homemade and really special to us...the list goes on and on. In the end though, when we leave this earth we can't take a single thing with us. It doesn't matter how much "stuff" we have, how special it is, how rare it is. Nothing on this earth is as important as our relationships...with our kids, our families, our friends, but most importantly, with Jesus. We need to be working harder at protecting our children's hearts than our stupid dining sets. (In my case, anyway.) Am I still upset when I look at the table? Sure. But I am dealing with it in my own heart. I will never again mention it to Sarah unless she does it again. Although I really hope she doesn't.

Next time my kids ruin something, which I'm sure they will, I will try my best to be slow to anger and discipline them properly and effectively, without yelling. I thank God every day for his grace. As parents, I think we all need a double portion!

A High Calling

2010-05-13T13:35:00.003-04:00

In my devotion time yesterday, the Lord told me to read Lamentations 5. I was thinking, "Really, Lord? Lamentations? What a depressing book." But you know, even when I am reading something that doesn't seem very uplifting, God always shows me something. What He showed me this time actually came from one line in the commentary at the bottom of the page. Here's what it said: "A high calling flouted by low living results in deep suffering." When I read that I actually gasped a little. What a profound statement!

I looked up the definition of the word "flouted" and this is what it said: To treat with disdain, scorn, or contempt; scoff, mock, or gibe. So, to expand even further, I looked up the other words in this definition.

1. Disdain: a) a feeling that a person or thing is beneath one's dignity and unworthy of one's notice, respect, or concern. b) to look upon or treat with contempt.

2. Scorn: a) contempt or disdain felt toward a person or object considered despicable or unworthy. b) the expression of such an attitude in behavior or speech; derision.

3. Contempt: a) disapproval tinged with disgust. b) the feeling or attitude of regarding someone or something as inferior, base, or worthless. c) the state of being despised or dishonored; disgrace. d) open disrespect or willful disobedience of the authority of a court of law or legislative body.

4. Scoff: a) to mock at, or treat with derision. b) to express insolent doubt or derision, openly and emphatically.

5. Mock: a) to treat with ridicule or contempt. b) to imitate; counterfeit. c) to frustrate the hopes of; disappoint. d) simulated; false; sham.

6. Gibe: a) to make taunting, heckling or jeering remarks.

Wow. It's no wonder that statement hit me so hard! If I was living my life with any one of those attitudes it would indeed cause deep suffering. We all have a high calling. The Lord has called each and every one of us to live for him, and to tell others about him as well. Some people might seem like they have this huge calling on their lives. For example, certain TV evangelists, preachers, authors, musicians, etc. Looking at their lives might make us feel at times like our calling is nothing compared to theirs and, therefore, isn't that high (big.) The truth of the matter is, just because you aren't on the cover of a magazine, or your song isn't #1 on the music charts, doesn't mean you don't have just as high of a calling on your life, if not higher!

If we live our lives with contempt towards the Lord for things that have gone wrong, or out of jealousy over someone else's life, then we are going to be absolutely, 100% miserable. Not only because we are making ourselves and everyone around us miserable, but because God cannot bless an attitude like that. He knew you before you were even born! He knows the end of your life from the beginning. He obviously had a purpose in creating you, or why would he even have bothered? Just the simple fact that you were created by a loving and merciful God who thought enough of you to put you on this earth is reason enough to live by a much higher standard than the one the "world" lives with.

I know there are days when we all have those moments of doubt about why we were even created. The days when we feel worthless, when we think we've sinned to much to be forgiven, when our goals and dreams have fallen apart, when we've been rejected, when even the Lord has turned his back on us (or so it may seem.) What the Lord is saying in the book of Lamentations is that we still have hope, no matter how great our sin, no matter what we've done. He will never abandon us. God may have turned his back on the people of Jerusalem because of their sin, but he did not abandon them. That was their great hope! Despite their sinful past, God would restore them if they turned back to him. True hope is found in God alone, and no matter how much we've messed up, we need to turn toward him, not away from him.

Micah 7:18-19 says, "Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea."

I love that it says God will "hurl" all our sins into the depths of the sea. To me, that means that he will throw them with a passionate throw into the sea of forgetfulness and remember them no more. He's not going to hold on to "that one little sin" to hold over our heads. No, it says he will hurl ALL our sins into the sea. He doesn't want us to hold on to them. He wants us to repent and hand them over to him so that he can get rid of them forever and set us free.

My friends who are reading this, I want to leave you with a quote that my pastors, Steve and Sharon, use all the time. It's simply, "Shame off you!"

Listen, Then Do

2010-05-03T14:43:00.002-04:00

I've often wondered about just how personal I should let my blog be. After all, in the "cyber-world", there are creeps out there who are constantly looking for people to profile and then sabotage. On a totally different note, I'm bearing my soul to some of my closest friends and family members every single time I write. I run the risk of people disagreeing with me, looking at me with different eyes, making wrong assumptions, etc. I get this tiny feeling of panic sometimes after I hit "Publish Post" that maybe, just maybe, I shouldn't have put myself out there for the whole world to see...which is literally a possibility.

Then I realized that if I'm ever going to be the kind of writer that I want to be I have to be real. Not stupid, but real. We all have those skeletons in our closets that, frankly, I think should stay there. When I say "real", I mean not holding back my emotions and what I feel that the Lord is telling me to write. Writing is healing for me. The pain disorder that I deal with demands a constant purging of repressed emotions and if I don't do that I pay for it with pain. Don't get me wrong. I'm not going to just let a bunch of word vomit come out into my blog just because I happen to have a lot of "feelings" one day. I just want you to know that what I write is real and it comes from my heart.

When I talk about Jesus, God, the Lord, etc., it's not to show how holy I am. It's because He is the reason behind my entire life. No, He IS my entire life. Wouldn't you feel compelled to talk about your best friend? When I talk about my pain it's not because I want a pity party. Believe me, I've had enough of them on my own and it's not something I want to invite anyone to. I talk about my pain because it's something very real that I deal with on a daily basis. I refuse to say that it's "part of me" because I'm hoping that someday it won't be. I don't ever want to concede to this disorder, but it is what I deal with and I can't just "think" it away. When I talk about my opinions, it's simply because it's my opinion and I wanted to share it. The bottom line is, I want people to be inspired, challenged maybe, encouraged and blessed by reading this blog.

Ok, so wow. I have no idea what brought all that on but, there you have it. : ) What I wanted to talk about is a book that I just finished reading called, "90 Minutes In Heaven" by Don Piper. Don was a man who died instantly in a car accident and was pronounced dead at the scene, covered by a tarp, and left to deal with "later" when the officials had finished tending to the other people involved. The book is his account of what happened when he died, his experience in Heaven, his horrific recovery from his injuries, and how he used it all for God's glory. He remembers seeing headlights, and the next instant, he was standing in Heaven. He goes on to describe his account of being in Heaven, and then waking up to the sound of a man singing, someone holding his hand, and the sound of his own voice joining in with the old hymn that the stranger was singing to him.

This book had a tremendous impact on me for several reasons. I'm only going to focus on one for now. There was a man who came upon the scene of the accident and asked the officials if there was anything he could do. He was a pastor who had attended the same conference as Don Piper that morning. The policeman told him about the injured people and said they were all doing ok. The pastor asked about the car under the blue tarp and the policeman told him not to bother with that one because the man had already been dead for 45 minutes. The man told the policeman that even though it may sound strange, he knew the Lord was telling him to pray for the man in the car. The policeman told him again, maybe thinking the guy didn't hear him the first time, that there was no point because the man was dead. The pastor insisted, and the policeman finally agreed.

The pastor couldn't believe what he was seeing, but most of all, he couldn't believe that God was asking him to pray for a dead man. But, he listened and obeyed and began to pray. God told him specifically what he was to pray for Don, and he prayed it. He prayed and sang for 45 minutes with his hand on Don's shoulder. That's the only part of Don he could reach because the car was so mangled. When he became aware that the dead man was singing with him, he bolted out of the car so fast that he wasn't even sure how, considering how carefully he'd had to maneuver himself to get to Don. He ran over to the policeman yelling, "He's alive! The dead man is alive and singing with me!" Of course the policeman looked at him like he was insane, but eventually agreed to go over and feel Don's pulse. As soon as he confirmed that he was indeed alive, everyone sprang into action.

That's as far as I will go in talking about the book. I highly suggest that you read it for yourself. The point that I wanted to get across from this section of the book is that the pastor heard from the Lord and then, even as foolish as he looked, obeyed God and prayed Don back to life. How often has God asked us to do things that on the surface may look totally stupid, hopeless, or pointless? What I learned from this pastor was to listen to God and do what He says no matter how stupid or pointless it may appear to my human mind. We never know how the Lord is wanting to use us. It could very well be to save another person's life.

There have been several times in my life where I admit that I felt a "nudge" by the Holy Spirit to pray right then and there about something or someone, or to go over and talk to a complete stranger, and I ignored that still, small voice. I flat out disobeyed. I've asked for forgiveness because I knew it was God telling me to do it, and yet I didn't do it. I'm sure not all of those times were life and death but what if they were? What if the person I was supposed to tell about Jesus in the parking lot of the grocery store got in their car and drove off, only to be killed on their way home? Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not feeling guilt and shame anymore, although I did in the past. And I'm not trying to guilt-trip you either. All I want to do is open our eyes to the importance of listening to the Lord and doing what He says, no matter what.

What if that pastor and his wife had just stayed in the car instead of walking to the accident scene? What if he would have disobeyed God and not insisted that he pray for Don? There were specific prayers God asked him to pray for things that he ended up answering later; miraculous things that the doctors couldn't understand because they defied all human logic. I wonder if there have been things that we've passed up out of fear, or pride, or whatever. I wonder how many opportunities have been presented to us that we didn't take. God will still get the job done no matter what our decisions are. I'm convinced of that. However, we will miss out on the many blessings he has for us if we can't humble ourselves and do what he's asking us to do. Sometimes he asks us to do things to teach us a lesson. Sometimes it's to show us how big he really is. Sometimes it's simply because he wants to know if we will trust him enough and just do what he says. All I know is that God will never ask you to do something that you can't do. Well, let me re-phrase. He'll never ask you to do something that he won't equip you to do.

There are plenty of excuses we can come up with when we hear the Lord speak. Ultimately, it's our choice whether or not we're going to do what he's asking us. Please do not feel condemned if you've done this before. I have done it many times. I am just determined now not to ever do it again. I know that God's grace and mercy are there for me when I fail, but I do not want to fail in this area again. God says in his Word, "...for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus." - Romans 3:22-24 It says "all" have sinned. So, don't be condemned. Watch what you are saying and doing and listen for that still, small voice on the inside of you. It's not just your "conscience" talking. If you have received Jesus as your Lord and Savior, then you have the Holy Spirit inside of you to guide you and speak to you. You can trust him never to lead you in the wrong direction.

Don't underestimate God's ability or desire to use YOU to do something extraordinary. He has chosen us to share the good news with others. Even though we are weak, he gives us the power to do what he's asking us to do. We just have to keep in mind that this power comes from him, not us. We have to stay close to him and take the time to listen to him daily, because he's speaking all the time. Make it your goal to listen, then obey. Even if what he's asking seems completely ridiculous. You just never know what God has up his sleeve. Not just for others, for you too.

Oops, I Did It Again!

2010-04-20T07:46:00.002-04:00

I woke up with two thoughts in my head this morning. One, "Are you serious? I really have to get up right now!" And Two, "Ok, so even though I feel terrible I'm going to put on a smile and get through this day as the best mother I can be." Well, I did it again...I failed. Instead of greeting the day with a smile, I greeted it with a very bad attitude. This is the second night in a row of virtually no sleep, and the third day in a row of feeling pretty terrible physically. I have a sick husband and a three year old who has decided to start waking up every hour for no apparent reason. I made a trip to the pharmacy at 1:30 this morning and when I got back, took care of Josh, and started to drift off to sleep, the crying began again. (And I'm not just talking about Sarah. Lol!)

I can't believe I went through this for over two years with Hailey! It's only been a couple months since she's been sleeping through the night, but it feels like forever when your body is finally getting the sleep that it has so desperately needed. If I felt like this for two years, and managed to still function, then surely I can make it through a few days of this, right? Surely it can't be THAT hard to put on a smile and greet my kids lovingly and full of understanding with every whine and every tattle. I guess I've got some more growing up to do myself.

We like to throw tantrums, don't we. We like to give ourselves excuses for our attitude issues. It makes us feel better to justify our actions with, "Look what's been done to me! Did you hear what they just said? Did you see what they JUST did?! I have every right to feel this way!" On and on we go with the excuses. Yet, that's exactly what they are...excuses. The truth is, we have the ultimate choice, no matter what our situation, to have a good attitude. This morning, I made the wrong choice...again.

I get so frustrated at myself when I do that. I wake up with the best intentions, only for them to be shot down...sometimes by me, sometimes by the enemy, sometimes by just plain life events. At our Women's Conference last month, one of the speakers was talking about our "aromas." I'm not talking about bodily odors here, I'm talking about our "spiritual" aromas. She said this, "You may wake up with a God aroma and a God fragrance, but as soon as your feet hit the floor, a new aroma can try to be put on you. If you choose to wear the wrong aroma, it will spread to others. We need to reject the wrong aromas we don't want so that we are only spreading the aroma of God."

How true that is! The trick is to recognize the bad aroma before it's too late to get it off. She also used the example of when you're walking through a department store and the ladies/gentlemen are all lined up to spray you with the latest fragrances, in the hopes that you will love the aroma so much that you will run back to the counter and purchase "their" fragrance. Usually they are gracious and ask you before they spray you but sometimes, you get that one over-zealous sprayer who just decides to squirt you anyway. Then, for the rest of the day, you're stuck with an aroma that you most likely would have never chosen for yourself and yet, you're spreading it around everywhere you go!

It's the same way with our spiritual aromas. We have to be on guard and ready to dodge the bad aromas as soon as we see them coming. If we happen to get sprayed, we need to take a shower in the cleansing water of Jesus and get it off immediately. Wash yourself with the Word of God and move on. Don't let the aroma stay on you for the entire day. You never know the opportunities that could be missed for you to be a blessing to someone else. And that includes your spouse and your children. We have to "put on love" every day, sometimes several times a day. That requires an action on our part. It requires us choosing that we're going to do it, and then following through and doing it. Easier said then done, I know. But, I'm going to try my best today and every day to make the choice to put on the aroma of Jesus, as hard as it may be.

Great Expectations

2010-04-12T20:28:00.005-04:00

This morning was my "Mom's Group" cell group. I had the privilege of teaching the devotion. The chapter was titled, "Heavily Ever After." Basically, the author was talking about how "Happily Ever After" seems to be more like "Heavily Ever After" in that we are shocked sometimes about the way our lives have turned out, or about trials that we may be facing. We think to ourselves, "This is certainly NOT what I bargained for when I took this job, or married 'this' spouse, or gave birth to 'these' kids! This isn't working out the way I had planned! This wasn't supposed to happen this way!" Etc., etc., etc. Believe me, I have my own list.

It is so easy to complain when things don't go the way we planned. My husband and I have actually had discussions about this topic lately. I asked him if he ever thinks about what life would have been like if he had married the woman he thought he was going to end up with. I've been thinking about that the past couple weeks regarding the man I thought I was going to marry. Instead, that man dumped me and I rebounded with a bad guy and ended up in a terrible marriage that totally changed me for life. And yet, had those things not happened the way they did, I would have never ended up with the wonderful husband I have now, and the wonderful children I have now.

I think it's ok to have these moments in time where we want to dig back into the past and think, "What if..." It's ok as long as we don't stay there for very long. Everyone is going to have those thoughts now and then because it's a normal, natural thing that happens sometimes. But, I was starting to realize that I was thinking about it a little too much. "Dwelling" so to speak. Dwelling is never a good thing when your focus is in the wrong place. The only dwelling we really need to be doing is to be "dwelling in the shelter of the Most High." (See Psalm 91:1-2 below.) To dwell means to reside. Do you think "residing" in the past is a good idea? No, it's not. The past is the past. It's not meant to dwell upon.

It can go both ways...let's say you had something really great happen in your past, or you had some great years. If you are dwelling on the fact that you had all these great things "back then", but you don't have them anymore, or maybe you wish you could go back and re-live "the glory days" and it's causing you to be ungrateful or negative about your present situation, then that is not good! Even dwelling on past positive events can lead to the destruction of your future.

Ok, so I got off on a tangent there. : ) I am mostly talking about our expectations. What we expect to happen, and what actually ends up happening can be (and usually are) completely different. Not always, but mostly it seems. I guess what we need to do is focus our expectation in the right place. We can't think that we have all the answers. We can't think that even though we may plan and plan down to the very last detail, that things are always going to end up perfect. "Life" gets in the way of our plans and dreams sometimes.

When I was 18 years old, I thought I had everything all worked out. I was going to marry the blond-haired, blue-eyed man I was in love with and make beautiful blond-haired, blue-eyed babies. We were going to live on the water and he was going to teach and I was going to sell real estate. He had an amazing family that I got along really well with and who were fully prepared to embrace me as a member of their family (and pretty much already had.) It was going to be "perfect." Then one day, we went on a hike. It was a long, steep trek up the mountain, but so worth it when we got to the top. The view was breathtaking! On the way down, I was stepping on several tree roots, rocks, sticks, etc. for hours and ended up at the doctor a couple weeks later with severe pain in my right foot. It turned out I had a stress fracture in the bottom of my foot. It was supposed to heal in six weeks, but alas, it only got worse. After about 6 months, my "love" started not to love me so much anymore because I couldn't continue to do the things we used to do together. I was in too much pain all the time.

Things went downhill from there and he eventually broke up with me because of my injury. My dreams were shattered. It certainly was not the "happily ever after" that I thought was coming. A few months later, I met the dark-haired, big muscled, deep voiced man who swept me off my feet and promised to love me no matter what we went through. He had a son and I became a step-mom. Things went ok for a few months and then all hell broke loose, literally. I was living my worst nightmares and thought I was going to be trapped forever. But, the Lord delivered me out of that abusive marriage and I am forever grateful for His love and mercy.

Eventually, I met and married my husband Josh. Josh is the one that God intended me to marry all along. He is my soul mate in every way. He is the real deal and has proved his love for me over and over again. Has our marriage been easy? Heck, NO! Far from it. But, his love for the Lord and the fact that our marriage is based on the Lord has seen us through our darkest hours. Josh has a very strong personality and I know for certain that I would never have been able to be married to him had I not gone through what I went through with my previous relationships. I have to say, the thought of getting married again was intensely scary to me. I didn't want to take the risk of being rejected again. That's why I prayed and prayed. I "dwelled" in the shelter of the Most High and sought the Lord's wisdom on what I should do. I asked him if Josh was the man I was supposed to marry. He said yes. I asked again and again and the only answer I ever got was yes. So, we got married.

It's been almost nine years since we said, "I do" and I am in awe of where our lives have been, and where they are now. My expectations and the outcome are totally different, but not in a bad way. Sometimes our expectations don't line up with God's will, and therefore, don't happen. And sometimes, God goes beyond our expectations and blesses us more than we ever thought possible. It's our decision whether or not we are going to trust him with our life or not.

Now, almost nine years and two beautiful, blond-haired, blue-eyed girls later (see how that worked out)...we are living our lives for the Lord and following His lead every day. We are pastors at our church and are loving life. Do I still have pain? Yes. Lots of it. Do I still wish that certain things had turned out differently? Yes. Do Josh and I have a perfect marriage? No. Are we committed to each other and the Lord no matter what our present circumstances? Absolutely.

What are your expectations? Can you let them go? How are you handling things when life throws you a curve ball? How well do you function in a trial? Can you trust God with your circumstances and ultimately, your entire life? Here's why you should.

Psalm 103:1-18

"Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits - who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. The Lord works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed. He made known his ways to Moses, his deeds to the people of Israel:
The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more. But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children's children - with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts. The Lord has established his throne in heaven, and his kingdom rules over all."

We receive all these things of God without deserving any of them. No matter how difficult things get on this journey of life, we can always count our blessings.

Psalm 91:1-2

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, 'He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.'"

Parenting Is Hard

2010-03-30T20:03:00.003-04:00

We did it! My Sarah is potty-trained! I say "we" because I think it was harder for me than it was for her. I truly believe, after going through the last four weeks, that potty training your child reveals your true character. Guess what? I sure didn't like what I saw at times. My character has some major flaws, in my opinion. I am telling you, the emotions that welled up in me were enough to push me over the edge for good! I was so frustrated one moment, and then jumping up and down clapping and cheering her on the next moment. It was a roller coaster ride that I never had to ride with my first daughter.

Hailey was extremely easy to potty train. It happened in about 3 days and there were very few accidents and very few tantrums. There was no fear of pooping, and certainly no fear of peeing. (Excuse the terms, but hey, I am a mom.) I thought, "I can totally do this! I had no trouble at all with Hailey, so Sarah will be a piece of cake!" Well, I thought wrong. Sarah was more stubborn than I could ever imagine...to the point of holding her poop in for days at a time, screaming at me every five minutes for days on end about how bad her tummy hurt. Yet, she refused to go! We ended up at the Doctor for an x-ray of her tummy and wouldn't you know it? She was totally constipated! Duh! So, we got the powdery stuff and I mixed it in her juice and wa-la! Poop! After a few times of that, I think it trained her brain to register that it wasn't going to hurt every time she went.

As of today, she has had no accidents in 3 weeks and is going number one and number two on her own! She is dry every nap and almost every morning. I am so happy! And yet, a part of me is kind of sad too. She is growing up too fast. Last night was her first night in her big girl bed and she did great! She took a nap today and went right to sleep. No getting up 50 times like I fully expected. Hailey was the one we had to put back in bed over and over again. Sarah is perfectly content to just stay in bed and go to sleep. As much as you think you have parenting figured out, I've come to realize that I still don't have a clue! Some things are pretty basic and similar between my two kids, but for the most part, totally different. They are completely opposite personalities and, therefore, do completely opposite things.

Don't even get me started on discipline. What works for one child does not work for the other and it's a constant trial and error thing. To be honest, I hate it! I hate having to be consistent because it is so exhausting. And yet, it is SO necessary! Whenever I slack off and think, "Well, I'll let it go just this once," I end up paying for it big time later on. They know when you're tired and they push even harder when you let it show. It's their gift, I think, to see just how far they can go before mommy snaps. What I wouldn't give for a "cool-down" button that I could push whenever I feel like I'm going to lose it. You know, when you feel your blood boiling and you just want to put your fist through a wall? Yeah, not a good place to be when you have your sweet little 3-year old staring at you like, "Mommy is scary right now!" I don't want to scare my kids. But I know that I have at times, and that makes me sad.

I know that as parents, we all have those days. But, I am tired of making excuses for myself. I feel like I should be in time-out more than my kids some days. And maybe I should. The problem is, if I leave them alone for more than about ten minutes, they start fighting and then it starts the cycle all over again. I find myself asking the questions, "What's wrong with me? Why can't I get a grip? How can two little girls bring me to the point of total meltdown? Why can't I be like those 'other' moms who always have it together? Why do my kids fight so much when I'm raising them to love one another?" I don't really know the answers, other than, I guess I'm normal.

These days come and go. They are worse when I have other 'personal' factors that I have to weigh in. I am still working on not letting outside stresses affect how I am as a mom to my girls. It's a daily struggle for me though. I'm being really honest here. I am not a perfect mother, I am a tired mother. I am like the rest of the mothers I know, just doing my best to love my children and be the best parent I can be. I suppose that's all I can expect of myself, but I'd like to expect more. My kids are precious gifts from God. I have to remind myself of that every time I'm having one of those, "I'm not cut out for this!" moments. Of course I'm cut out for this! I truly don't believe that God would have entrusted me with these children if He didn't think I could handle it. Even though there are days when I wonder what I was thinking when I thought I could be a mother. I'm just keepin' it real folks.

The bottom line is, parenting is hard. Really hard. It's a commitment to God, your spouse, your kids, and to yourself that you are going to do whatever it takes to raise children who are good, honest, strong, healthy, loving, generous, kind, compassionate, etc., etc. It's an incredible responsibility that comes with many sleepless nights, many tears, and much joy. My kids have stirred up so many things in me, both good and bad. My prayer is that I will survive long enough to see the fruits of my labor. Lol! Seriously though, I am leaning on Jesus to help me be the best mommy I can be, for the rest of my life.

Random Notes

2010-03-24T18:34:00.004-04:00

A couple weeks ago, I attended our women's conference at church. There were so many amazing things taught to us during those three days and it left me with a lot to think about. I'm just going to list some things from my notes that stuck out at me. They are going to be in very random order, so bear with me.

- Take notes (journal) when you go through a trial, so that when you come out of it, it can be a gift to someone else.

- Helping people and serving the Lord come at a price. Before you put something in your cart, are you prepared to pay for it? Can you afford it? Some of us try to call Heaven's "bill shock" department when we see the bill. We need to estimate the cost so that we don't start building something we can't finish. God wants us to increase the amount we're willing to pay.

- None of us will live like our past never happened, but we learn to live our life beyond it.

- You may not have had a choice about being a victim, but you do have a choice to stay one.

- The Lord disciplines those He values.

- One tragedy is wanting the "green grass", and the other tragedy is getting it. Don't want someone else's green grass. It takes a lot of mud and manure to get it green.

- Don't label yourself with a label you're not supposed to have! Be you!

- When God gives you something, never make it about you.

- We need to stop making our own little "missions". God has given us the task of telling everyone what He's doing, not what we're doing.

- Joy is not a feeling. It's a positioning of the soul.

- Everything can be taken from you, but you have control to choose what you do with your spirit and your attitude.

- Refuse to bear burdens that you were never meant to carry.

- Praising God stirs up the miraculous in your life.

- A heart that is soft no matter the circumstances opens you up for a move of God.

- God is deliberately mysterious.

- You will never possess what you are unwilling to pursue.

- Faith is trusting God's character when life gives you a reason not to.

- In spite of what God allows, He is still good.

- Hang on to God long enough to let him write the rest of your story. His nature is responsive and responsible.

- There is a massive need right now for us to wake up! The body of Christ is not destined for "asleep". We are not destined for escape, but for reveal.

- Track what God is doing. You want to be a part of it. You want to be fully present, upright and awake. When you're only entertained and not engaged, it's likely you will fall asleep.

- Our kids' well-being depends on us living beyond ourselves.

Those are just a few things from my notes. I hope that something on that list encouraged you today. There is a great need for us to be aware of what's happening around us. I am not a person who likes to face things head on, but I'm realizing that I'm going to have to. I can't just hide in my house and turn a deaf ear to what's happening around me. Our world is getting scarier, and our future is uncertain (on earth, anyway.) My hope is in Jesus Christ and the promise of an eternal life with him. He is my joy, He is my rock, He is my strength. He has never failed me, and He will never fail you either. He loves you more than you could ever imagine!

Snow Days!

2010-02-02T08:21:00.011-05:00

We had a huge snowstorm this past weekend! Apparently, this is almost unheard of in Virginia Beach and everyone is blaming us for bringing Seattle to the east coast! It was really fun for the first couple days, but now the novelty is wearing off and we are ready to be back to normal now. And I am ready for Spring! I wanted to post some pictures of our fun in the snow, because who knows how long it will be before we get another snow like this. (Although some snow is expected tonight.)

My girls and I...

Sarah & Hailey...Sarah just couldn't stop eating snow!

Hailey showing off...

Sarah Bean with pink frozen cheeks from eating all the snow!

As you can see, we had a really fun time in the snow. I must say though, I am really hoping it doesn't snow any more this season. I have been having a little bit tougher time coping with pain in my feet and legs again. The cold weather has definitely made it worse over the past couple months. However, I am still marveling at how much better I'm doing. Last year, this kind of winter would have landed me in bed for days at a time. I just have to stay focused on all the positive things going on and not dwell on the negative. Well, I have laundry to do. Bye for now!

Don't Just "Look" Pretty, BE Beautiful!

2010-01-18T09:08:00.006-05:00

I woke up today thinking about how some of the most horrible food I've had came in the most attractive packaging. You are probably thinking, "Why in the world would you wake up thinking about that?" Well, a few days ago, I took Hailey to her follow-up doctor's appointment and found out that she is allergic to cow's milk and wheat (gluten). So, we've now been experimenting with dairy free and gluten free foods. Some of them have been pretty tasty, and some of them have been downright nasty! I started to notice that the ones with the prettiest packaging were the ones that tasted the worst. Now, maybe it was pure coincidence, but it got me thinking about other things.

Like, how some of the ugliest people I've ever met are the nicest, kindest, sweetest people I know. While some of the most beautiful people I've met have been the rudest, least generous, most self-centered people I've ever known. Now, that's not always the case. I know plenty of beautiful people who are just as beautiful on the inside, and plenty of ugly people who are just as ugly on the inside. I'm just having a thought here, so don't hate ok. : ) The same can also be said about flowers. Some of the most gorgeous flowers have no smell, or they have a foul smell, while some of the less attractive flowers (or, plain flowers) smell amazing! I guess my point is this: No matter what we look like on the outside; beautiful, ugly, plain, thin, fat, short, tall...we can ALL be beautiful. We should be looking for beauty because it's all around us.

I looked up the definition of the word 'beauty' and here is what I found:

1. the quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations (as shape, color, sound, etc.), a meaningful design or pattern, or something else (as a personality in which high spiritual qualities are manifest).
2. a beautiful person, esp. a woman
3. a beautiful thing, as a work of art, or a building
4. something that is beautiful in nature or in some natural or artificial environment
5. an individually pleasing or beautiful quality; grace, charm
6. something excellent of its kind (ie. My old car was really a beauty.)

So, there you have it. My favorite part of number one was where it says 'a meaningful design or pattern' and 'a personality in which high spiritual qualities are manifest'. God created us in a meaningful design. There is something beautiful about each and every person we see. Especially in someone who is letting the light of Christ pour out of them. When we let Jesus shine through us, people can't help but stop and take a second look. We should look different from the world. That's a good thing. We need to make sure that what is on the inside of us is clean. That way, no matter what we look like on the outside, it won't be a sham or be false.

I read someone's definition of inner beauty and I thought it was really good. She said, "For women, inner beauty should be very important. Inner beauty helps you understand who you really are as a person. There are so many influences in the world that can cause us to lose focus on what beauty really is. Inner beauty is the innate beauty within. It's not a physical appearance that you can see however, it is shown through love and compassion for another person. To your mate your inner beauty could be what really counts. Some people don't just look at appearance to make a conclusion on if they want to be with that person or not. Inner beauty allows you to be unique in many ways."

I liked what she said about inner beauty allowing you to be unique. There's only so much we can do with our outer appearance. But, we can do SO much with our inner appearance. That is what we need to be focusing on.

So, back to food packaging....I think it's just going to be trial and error with trying these new foods however, I think I'm going to stick to the ugly packaging and try those first. 'Cuz maybe they just know their food is good and they don't need the fancy packaging to put on a facade. Wouldn't that be a great way to live? If we know that what's inside of us is beautiful, then we can have true confidence no matter what we look like on the outside.

If You Can't Do Anything Else, You Can Pray

2010-01-14T06:50:00.005-05:00

I've always been the type of person who takes on the burdens of other people. For most people, this can be a really good thing. For me, it hasn't always been. I take them on TOO much and it affects my health at times. Casting my cares at Jesus' feet has always been a struggle for me. Not because I don't trust Him, or think that he can't handle them for me...I think it's because there is a part of me that wants to control things and thinks that, by giving up control, I will lose control all together. That may sound strange to you and believe me, it's a really frustrating part of myself that I have to work very hard at changing.

There was a point in my life where I tried to do this on my own. Not a good idea. What I ended up doing (in order to protect my health, or so I thought...) was shutting off emotion all together when it came to what was happening around me. I turned off the news, stopped looking at the headlines of the newspapers, and avoided circles of people where world topics were always the topic. I just "didn't want to know" anymore. That was just as bad as taking it all in; even worse maybe. I became too desensitized. However, I didn't lose my compassion for others and I kept praying for those around me whom I was in contact with. So, I thought I was still doing a good job, being a good Christian. But, I was still not doing what I was supposed to be doing...praying for this world.

Folks, if we don't pray for this world, then who will? If we, as Christians, become too desensitized and only focus on our own tiny little world of family, friends, and co-workers, then are we really doing our job? Well, yes, but only part of it. 1 John 2:3-6 says, "We know that we have come to know him (Jesus) if we obey his commands. The man who says, 'I know him,' but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But if anyone obeys his word, God's love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in him: Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did." To walk today as Christ did we must obey his teachings and follow his example of complete obedience to God and loving service to people. Not just some people, ALL people.

Later, in 1 John 3:16-20, John says, "This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything." What he's saying here is that when we feel guilty that we are not loving others as we should, we should remind ourselves that God knows our motives as well as our actions. Maybe I can't fly to Haiti right now and help all those poor people like my heart desires, but that's ok! I can pray. God knows I can't fly to Haiti, but he also knows my heart. He knows that if I had the means, I would get there and I would help them. Stop feeling guilty for all that you can't do and start doing what you can do, pray.

The Lord said in 2 Chronicles 7:14, "...if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land."

Getting back to taking burdens upon yourself...it can be a good thing. As long as it doesn't drive you down into depression, or steal your focus so much that you start to shift your focus away from God and His power. God is ultimately in control, even though the things that are happening all around us can sometimes make us question that fact. But, it is the truth. Nothing happens in this world that he doesn't already know about in advance. God is not surprised or "caught off guard" when tragedy strikes. This opens up all the questions then of, "Well, if God knew this was going to happen, then why didn't he stop it?" Those are not questions that we need to be asking. We need to be trusting that God knows what's going on and that he has a plan.

God loved the world so much that He sent his one and only Son to die on a cross for our sins; past, present, and future. I've said this before, he knows the end from the beginning. Only he knows the day that this world will end. No one can predict that. He holds every one of your breaths and every beat of your heart in his hands. If that doesn't "awe" you, then I don't know what will. We should be totally and completely dependent on Him. He knew you before you were born and brought you into this world for a reason, for a purpose. If you aren't sure what your purpose is, here it is: Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and love your neighbor as yourself. Pretty simple, huh? We are the light of the world. WE are how this world is going to see Jesus. If we get desensitized to the happenings of the world around us and just give up and let someone else pray for them, it will be catastrophic. Our prayers move the heart of God. Your prayers could save lives you don't even know. You CAN make a difference in this world, just by praying.

It's ok to grieve for others. Whether it be the people in Haiti, the mother who lost her baby in the womb and had to deliver a stillborn child, the homeless man who died on the side of the road, your good friend or family member who is fighting a life-threatening illness, the list goes on and on. It's ok to cry when you pray, or even when you're not praying. Just don't camp out in the grief. Have compassion, but don't let the weight of your problems, or others' problems, consume you to the point of making you ineffective for Christ. We are all in this together. I will leave you with a very familiar verse. One that I daily strive to fulfill. "Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall." ~ Psalm 55:22

Do You Ever Ask Yourself "Why?"

2010-01-09T14:41:00.010-05:00

Do you ever wonder why you do the things you do? This is something I've been thinking about a lot these past few weeks. I get so frustrated because I do the same things over and over again and I can't figure out why it's so hard to break bad habits and start new good ones. For instance, why can't I just walk by a plate of cookies and not look back? Why can't I turn down dessert of any kind really? Why do I let myself get so frustrated at some of the things my kids do. After all, they are just kids! Usually what they are doing is not earth shatteringly horrific, it's just normal kid stuff. Like making messes! It's just a mess. It can be cleaned. So, why do I let it get me so upset?

I finally stopped reading parenting magazines because they are just a bunch of pages filled with "perfect" mothers, the "best" recipes that guarantee your kids will eat them, how to stop a tantrum with just one look, if you wear "this" shirt your baby belly will magically disappear, etc., etc. Maybe these things have worked for some mothers, but not for me. So, then I wonder, "Why doesn't it work for me?" Why can't I get my kids to expand beyond their five favorite foods? Why can't my house remain perfectly in tact like the cover of Pottery Barn Magazine? Why can't I seem to find this magic shirt that makes my belly disappear? You know why, because I live in the real world. I am not a perfect mother, my kids are picky eaters, and they throw the worst tantrums I could have ever imagined. I've had two c-sections and was in a wheelchair for 6 months after my second daughter was born. Not exactly a recipe for tight abs and a flat belly. It's real. It's life.

Ok, taking a deep breath now. Surely I am not the only mother who asks themselves, "Why?" I know I'm not alone and yet there are days when I feel like I'm the only one alive on the planet who does the things I do, or feels the way that I feel. I am grateful every day for my kids, no matter how frustrated I get. I love them so much that I would do anything for them. I guess I just can't get used to the fact that my kids can bring on so many emotions inside of me all at the same time. It's like a yo-yo! I'm up, I'm down, I'm up, I'm down. (Rather, "I love you, I want to sell you on ebay, I love you, I want to sell you on ebay.) You get the picture.

I can take comfort in the fact that even Paul, one of the most devoted followers of Jesus, asked himself the same questions that I'm asking. In Romans 7:15 he says, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate, I do." He goes on to explain that the reason why we do what we don't want to do is because of our sinful nature. In vs. 18-19 he says, "I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do - this I keep on doing." Now, I'm not saying that I never do good, or that I go around being evil all the time. But, what I'm comforted by is the fact that even a righteous man like Paul struggled immensely against his flesh. We have our spirit and our flesh and they are constantly at war.

The verse that stuck out to me more than anything this week is Romans 8:13. It says, "For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God." The 'misdeeds of the body' can be anything from eating the wrong foods, to looking at the wrong images, to speaking wrong things, etc. (Insert your bad things here.) What we are supposed to do is regard the power of sin in our body as dead. When we regard sin's appeal as dead and lifeless, we can ignore temptation when it comes. So, how do we do this?

Well, here are some things I've read in the Word:

1. Go to the Lord in prayer and ask for His help. We should never try to defeat the power of sin on our own because it just isn't possible.
2. Don't think that just because you're a Christian that you're now somehow exempt from all temptation. Be wise.
3. Don't blame the devil or anyone else for YOUR sin.
4. Remember that Jesus promises to help us and fight with us, right by our side.
5. God sent his Son, Jesus Christ, to die on the cross for all of our sins. Therefore, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. He has already won the war against sin and death. All we need to do is walk closely with him and we'll reach the finish line.
6. Remember that you are a precious gem in God's eyes. He sees you as the most beautiful thing he's ever created. What HE thinks of you is what matters the most.

There, see? I do have a way out! I do know what to do. Now comes the hard part...doing it.

Unseen Footprints

2009-11-19T07:28:00.003-05:00

I was reading along in Psalm 77 this morning when one of the last scriptures jumped out at me. The scripture is this: "Your path led through the sea, your way through the mighty waters, though your footprints were not seen." - Psalm 77:19 In this verse, Asaph is referring to the miraculous parting of the Red Sea. The story of that miracle was handed down from generation to generation, reminding the Israelites of God's power, protection, and love. In the beginning of this psalm, Asaph is crying out to God for courage during a time of deep distress. He was miserable because he had doubted God. In verse 13, he changes from focusing on himself, to focusing on God. As he did, his distress vanished and his faith and strength were renewed.

The part of verse 19 that stood out to me was "though your footprints were not seen." Clearly, the path that the Lord had made for them was the one the Israelites needed to take, however, they had to totally trust the Lord that it was indeed the right path. Can you imagine what they must have been feeling? I'm sure some of them were praying, "God, there must be another way to escape Pharoh than walking through the middle of the sea with a wall of water on either side of us!" But, they knew the Lord was with them and they took the path. Because they did, they were saved and Pharoh's entire army was drowned.

Sometimes God presents you with the path you should take, but it seems almost too terrifying to do it. You know it's the right path, but there are no footprints to follow. Sometimes, you are presented with more than one path, and you are having a hard time choosing which one because there are no footprints to follow. Sometimes, you are on one path, but the Holy Spirit says to take the other path instead. You doubt, or you question His voice because there are no footprints to follow. The Lord will not always give us a clear answer regarding which path we should take. However, I do know that you will have peace when you choose the right one. You will see blessing, you will see favor, you will see answers to your prayers. I'm not saying that you won't ever see hardships, suffer loss, have health issues, or whatever the case may be. Even if we are on the right path we are not in control of what happens around us every day. But, even when there are no visible footprints to follow, Jesus promises us that he is with us wherever we go.

Joshua 1:8 says, "Do not let this Book of the Law (the Bible) depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

We can be encouraged knowing that even if we've taken the wrong path, God is still with us. He said "wherever you go." That's pretty clear. That means right path, or wrong path, He is with us. If we are reading the Word and listening to His voice, then he will direct our paths. Proverbs 3:5-6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." He will guide us and protect us, even if we've gotten off the path he originally intended us to be on. He will guide us back to the right path. Psalm 119:105 says, "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." God's word is what is going to keep us in check and keep us on the right path. There's a reason why God told Joshua to meditate on the Word day and night. If we don't keep the Word in us, our path will get darker and darker until we're not sure where we are anymore. He promises us that his Word will be a light to our path. He will never fail you or lead you down the wrong path. His path leads to blessing and purpose.

So, if you are worried about taking the path God has called you to because there are no footprints to follow, just remember that Jesus is with you. He will never leave you or forsake you. Just obey, and step onto the path. Let the Lord lead you and you will be just fine. I will leave you with these scriptures: "If you make the Most High your dwelling - even the Lord, who is my refuge - then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands so that you will not strike your foot against a stone." - Psalm 91:9-12

Godly Hope

2009-11-17T13:43:00.002-05:00

1 Peter 1:3-6 - "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil, or fade - kept in Heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time."

My Hope Is Built...

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus' blood and righteousness
I dare not trust the sweetest frame
But wholly lean on Jesus' name

On Christ the solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
All other ground is sinking sand

When darkness seems to hide his face
I rest on His unchanging grace
In every high and stormy gale
My anchor holds within the veil

On Christ the solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
All other ground is sinking sand

His oath, His covenant, His blood
Support me in the whelming flood
When all around my soul gives way
He then is all my Hope and Stay

On Christ the solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
All other ground is sinking sand

When He shall come with trumpet sound
Oh may I then in Him be found
Dressed in His righteousness alone
Faultless to stand before the throne

On Christ the solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
All other ground is sinking sand

1 Peter 1:13 - "Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given to you when Jesus Christ is revealed."

Life teaches us that our hope is purely based on circumstances. Jesus teaches us that our hope is in Him, no matter what our circumstances are. Godly hope will not, cannot ever let you down or disappoint you. Hope is not influenced by circumstances, but is anchored in Christ. Hope always focuses us forward. It doesn't look back, it only sees the goodness of God in front of us. Stay focused on Jesus Christ and you will have the hope that you need.

Happenings

2009-11-05T10:49:00.003-05:00

I feel like I've had writer's block lately. Actually, it's been more like "brain block" in every area of my life. Do you ever have those weeks where you just feel like you're in a fog, like you just can't focus on a single task without getting totally distracted? I have had one of those weeks. I need to be productive, but I'm finding it really difficult this week. I know that things are getting done, just not as much as I should have accomplished by now. So, I'm hoping that the next weeks to come will be better.

I am so excited about our upcoming vacation to Disneyworld! Not only do I get to pretend I'm a kid again, but I get nine uninterrupted days with my husband and girlie's. We need it so bad! Life has been incredibly busy and somewhat stressful for several months now and we are ready for a break. We are staying at a beautiful resort and Disneyworld will be decorated for Christmas by the time we get there. I love Disneyland at Christmas, so I'm sure Disneyworld will be just as magical. It truly is amazing and even though it feels a bit indulgent, it's worth it. Sometimes you just need to spoil yourself and take a few days to enjoy a wonderful experience.

The girls have been really cute this week. Sarah got really mad at me the other morning. She held her little index finger up, looked me in the eye and said, "Momma, I no speaking to you right now!" Then she stuck out her bottom lip as far as she could and pouted for a good five minutes. It was so funny, but I didn't let her see me laugh. She is starting to talk so much and I can actually have an intelligent conversation with her. On one hand, I love it. On the other hand, it makes me sad because it means she's growing up. I have to admit there are some days when I can't wait for them to be grown up. But, I mostly just want to hold onto them forever.

Hailey told me the other day that she had a secret and she couldn't tell me. So I said, "Ok, then don't tell me." Here's the rest of the conversation at the dinner table that night:

Hailey: "Mom, I really think I should tell you the secret."
Me: "Ok, only if you want to."
Hailey: "Ok, here goes...(insert 12 year old drama) Ryan in my class is in love and the girl loves him back. Seriously, they are really in love."
Me: "Wow. Why is that such a big secret?"
Hailey: (eyes rolling) "Moooommm...it's because it's about love. Boys are NOT supposed to love girls!"
Me: "Well, they can when they get older. Love is a good thing."
Hailey: "Whatever. I'm never falling in love."
Me: "Good answer, for now."

She is so darn cute. She's really starting to put things together though. There was one point last week when I wondered if we had done the right thing by enrolling her in public school. With all the H1N1 talk, the Halloween stuff I didn't want her to get into, boys kissing girls, attitude issues, etc., I was really questioning it. I have now come to realize that I can't keep my kids in a bubble where they are never exposed to anything that opposes or challenges our morals or what we believe. She knows right from wrong and she asks me when she has questions about something. It's been a learning experience for her already, and for me, and I think it's good. I will do everything in my power to protect her innocence and guard her mind and heart. But, we live in this world and she needs to know how to live it in, but not of it.

She asked me the other day if it was ok to talk about Jesus and I said absolutely! She loves to tell people about Jesus. That makes me so happy! I didn't even have to teach her to do it. I had her parent/teacher conference a couple days ago and she had nothing but wonderful things to say about her. I actually could relate to the term "my heart was swelling with pride" as I listened to her teacher tell me how wonderful my child is. She complimented me and said that I have done a wonderful job raising her thus far and that she is so smart. It's those moments when all the hard work you've put in pays off and you see some of the fruits of your labor as a mom. Because we all know that being a mom is seriously hard work.

I am so blessed to have such amazing kids. I have had to choose to live by faith, not fear, these past couple weeks and I'm seeing the results. God is so good! I wonder sometimes why I doubt Him and his goodness. You know, when things are falling apart around you and your faith is being tested. It's easy in those moments to just freak out first and trust God later. We need to train ourselves to go to God first, and then see if the freaking out even needs to take place. : ) I'm not saying that faith makes you numb to your own emotions, but it does calm them down. It also helps you think more clearly, which is what I've needed this week. Sometimes we just need a little bit of perspective.

I have to run and get some things done while Hailey is at school. It's amazing how much you can accomplish when you only have one child home with you. I pray you all have a wonderful weekend!

Walking By Faith

2009-10-26T07:43:00.002-04:00

So, yesterday, my email and Facebook account were hacked. I still have not had them recovered, although I do believe they are both disabled now so that the hacker no longer has access to them. I apologize to anyone reading this who received an erroneous email from me, or chat sessions with the hacker on Facebook pretending to be me. I was thinking yesterday about how violated I felt. Most of my personal information is in my email account and I was feeling so angry that someone had violated my privacy like that. Not to mention the fact that I had to deal with phone calls and text messages literally the entire day from the moment I woke up until I shut my phone off before bed. I was reassuring people all day long that I was just fine and that I was NOT in London with my kids.

You know what I found out though? That I am loved. If there's anything good I can take from this experience, it's that my friends and family were truly concerned about me and would have sent me money if I really would have been stranded. Mostly though, they just wanted to make sure I was safe. That made me feel really good. I stopped getting annoyed at "another text" and "another phone call" and started enjoying talking to people I hadn't spoken with in several months. It was so good to talk to them!

This morning, I am still bummed out about the situation and am praying that it will be resolved quickly. But, I have a much more positive outlook than I did yesterday because my joy does not depend on circumstances. Am I happy this happened? Certainly not! But, I'm going to choose to look at the good. If I don't, I will fall apart. This has just been one of the many bad things that has happened in the past week. I won't get into the details, but it seems as if everything's falling apart. I am viewing it as a chance to see just how much faith I really have. The good thing is that I don't need a whole lot of faith to see big miracles happen. In Matthew 17:20b, Jesus says, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." So, technically, even though it's impossible for me to get into my accounts, God is going to make a way for them to be restored. I truly believe that. I believe that everything will be as I left it.

I have chosen to live a life of faith because I know my God is able. He is able and willing to help me when I need him. Are you living by faith? It's not always easy, but it is worth it. I was starting to get really depressed yesterday, I mean really depressed. Thankfully, the Word of God is like a two-edged sword (this time in a good way), and it cut through the depression before it could fully ruin my day. I am in awe of how one scripture can totally change my day. Well, off to get the girls and I ready for our day. I will keep you posted on the progress with resuming control of my accounts. Have a wonderful day!

The Blood of Jesus

2009-10-18T08:32:00.003-04:00

I hope to post the recording of this song soon. I pray that it will minister to you as it has to me.

His Blood

He has never kept His blood away from me
It has always been right here to set me free
And at times I've tried to wash it all away
Feeling so unworthy of His love and grace
But when I doubted Jesus' love for me
He smiled and said these healing words to me

My blood it covers you
It covers you
Even if you try to wash it all away
My blood it covers you
It covers you
It covers you anyway

So whenever I am feeling beaten down
I just look to Him and He reaches down
He lifts my eyes to meet His gaze again
He says child here comes the blood once again

My blood it covers you
It covers you
Even if you try to wash it all away
My blood it covers you
It covers you
It covers you anyway

For God gave His only Son
The only thing to do
To free this world from sin
And bring mercy to you
And if there was only you
He'd have sent Him anyway
For He loves you with a passion
That will never fade away

His blood it covers you
It covers you
Even if you try to wash it all away
His blood it covers you
It covers you
It covers you anyway
Yeah, it covers you anyway
Oh, it covers you every day

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him! For if, when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we now have received reconciliation." - Romans 5:8-11

"To him who loves us and has freed us from our sins by his blood, and has made us to be a kingdom and priests to serve his God and Father - to him be the glory and power for ever and ever! Amen." - Revelation 1:5b-6

"But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin." - 1 John 1:7

Everything Is Going To Be OK

2009-10-08T19:59:00.005-04:00

Well, so much for my promise to myself that I wouldn't neglect this blog. You know what though? I am not going to beat myself up about it. My life has been extremely crazy this past month. I flew home to Seattle to pack up the rest of our belongings and get the house ready to rent. It was a much bigger task than I originally anticipated. It was also the week after my Uncle passed away, which made things even harder. All I wanted to do was sit around with my family and just "be" and instead, I had an entire house to pack. I am forever grateful to my family for helping me so much. I could never have done it without them.

I flew home from Seattle and immediately started packing our apartment so that we could move into the home we just bought in Virginia Beach. Let's just say, my attitude was not so great about packing two homes in the same week. But, I got it done and we moved in two weekends ago. Our furniture and all of our things from Washington arrived yesterday, after being delayed five days. Again, my attitude needed serious adjusting. I finally realized that I had no control over the situation and decided to relax about it. So far there are a couple things that were broken, but nothing too terrible. We haven't unpacked all the boxes though, so I am praying that the rest of our things are in the same shape as when I last saw them three weeks ago.

In the middle of all this moving, I am still in bible college and really trying to do well. Our final exam is next week and any prayers would be greatly appreciated. I have loved the class I'm taking on how to study the bible. I can never read the bible the same again. It's awesome! There is so much to the text that I never would have seen had I not learned what I've been taught in the past seven weeks. I am anxious to begin another class but have decided to take the next eight weeks off and begin after the New Year.

Today has been difficult. It was my Uncle's memorial service where they spread his ashes at sea and I couldn't be there. I have been feeling so helpless living across the country from my family. I feel like I should be there helping them, crying with them. I sometimes wish that I wasn't a "grown-up" yet. I remember coming home from school and my mom would be there with a snack waiting to hear about my day. I'd go in my room to do my homework and would smell dinner cooking on the stove. I was warm, I was loved, I was safe. I felt 100% protected by my parents and home was my favorite place to be.

I have been striving to make my home the same way for my kids. I don't always succeed though. Especially when I'm super stressed out and haven't given my cares completely over to the Lord that day. I start having the "superwoman" mentality where I feel like it's my job to take care of everything on my own. Like I'm supposed to be this super strong and powerful person who isn't swayed by the circumstances of life. Yeah, right! I'm a woman! I should know better than to assume that I will always be in charge of my emotions. Not to mention that I'm already dealing with several emotional issues at the same time. Throw in screaming kids, a very tired body, church responsibilities, bills, never ending boxes to unpack, homework, etc., etc. and you've got one lady who is very much on the edge!

Now that I'm done ranting, I would just like you to know that it's ok not to be ok sometimes. I'm not saying you should camp out there for very long, but there are going to be seasons in our lives where we really are not ok. This is one of those seasons for me. Don't misunderstand me. I'm not going crazy, I'm not mentally unable to function. I'm just really struggling right now. I miss my family so much. It was so weird to go to my house a couple weeks ago and sleep in my daughter's room, as a guest. My sister made her room look wonderful and I was very comfortable, but it was just plain weird. I felt like I should have been sleeping in my room, using my shower and my sink. I hope I'm not sounding selfish. That's not my intent. I was just so sad knowing that that was the last time I was ever going to sleep in my house.

I know, it's just a house. But it's more than that because I'm not just leaving the house. I'm leaving my entire family, all my friends, and the town I grew up in and it's not easy. Jesus never said that following him and pursuing his calling on our lives would be easy, in fact, he said just the opposite. He was so right! It's the hardest thing I've ever done. And yet, in spite of all the heartache, I have such a deep peace and I know that I'm going to be ok. I don't feel ok right now, but I know I will. I've already seen the favor of God as I've mentioned in previous posts. There is no doubt in our minds that this is where God wants us. But the heart takes time to heal. It broke my heart to leave and it still hurts. I thank God I have a loving husband and a wonderful church family who are incredibly supportive and wonderful. I'm beginning to see some of the reason why God called us here and I can't wait for more to be revealed.

I just want to leave you with a passage of scripture that always encourages me. It's Psalm 18:28-33: "You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall. As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights."

The Gospel, To Me

2009-09-15T08:07:00.004-04:00

The past two weeks have been very emotional, stressful, chaotic, hectic, and yet somehow wonderful at the same time. We lost my Uncle Dennis to cancer on Saturday night, September 12th. As I entered the date of his death in the front of my bible, I realized just how many people I have loved that were also on that list. The thought that came to me was a weird one. What was once a big family is now the same family, just in two separate places: one we can see, and one we can't.

I have never really handled death well. Even though I know where I'm going, I believe it purely by faith. When my faith is shaken, I am shaken. Death shakes me up. It doesn't make me doubt what I believe, in fact, it makes it all the more real. But, to see the earthly realm and the spiritual realm come together is awe inspiring to say the least, and to be honest, it kind of freaks me out. How can anyone say that there is no afterlife after watching someone pass away, or being with them moments or hours before they do. You can sense that there is something powerful going on as they make their transition from this life to the next. You want to hang on to them, yet you want them to go because where they are going is so wonderful, that is, if they know Jesus.

I am done being shy about telling people about Jesus. I can't bear the thought of anyone suffering for all of eternity. Not when I look at their soul through the eyes of Jesus. Believe me, some people take a little more work than others when you're trying to see the good in them. But, they are still living, breathing souls created by God just like you and me. Not one of us on earth is worthy of God's grace, and yet He gives it freely to all people. We don't deserve an eternity in Heaven. Yet, all we have to do is call upon the name of the Lord, confess with our mouth that we are a sinner and that we need a Savior, ask God to forgive our sins, and then ask Jesus to come into our heart as Lord of our life. It's that simple.

People try to complicate the gospel of Jesus. Here is the gospel, real and simple to me: A man goes through his entire life running away from church, maybe even despising or resenting it. He drowns his sorrows in alcohol and cigarettes. He screams at his wife and kids, forcing their young family to separate. He spends the rest of his years basically in solitude, with the exception of a few good friends, and his extended family. He spends his moments reading history books, one of his passions. He is a master at refinishing furniture and turning what is ugly into something beautiful. His other passion is fishing, and sharing his latest catch with his family. He has a gift of making wonderful smoked salmon. He suffers a stroke, and we finally see his heart. His wonderful heart. He is still gruff, still mean sometimes, but we know he's opened up a bit. He has many questions about God and why He let his Dad die, then his Mom. He gets angry, yet he's still softer than before. He is diagnosed with cancer. He is angry and confused, and scared. He gets to reconnect with his daughters and grandsons for a weekend at the ocean. A miracle indeed. He is given less than a year to live. Six months later, he is given 4-6 weeks to live. He is sent home, then sent right back to the hospital where he learns he is dying. He wants to go home, but goes to a hospice house, where he needs to be. He is angry, in agonizing pain, agitated, mean, not ready to die. He will not stay in bed. He has no peace. He has many questions about Jesus, which his brother-in-law answers. He calms down a bit but is still not sure what will happen to him when he dies. His niece is sweet and bold. She asks him if he wants to ask Jesus into his heart. He says, "Yes." She says all he needs to say is, "Please, Jesus." So, he does. She leads him in prayer and he becomes a Christian. He finally falls asleep, peaceful at last. He dies the next day. He is now forever with Jesus, in peace, perfect peace. It didn't matter that he never lived his life for Jesus on earth, although he missed out on so many blessings and would have been spared much heartache if he had. What mattered is that God gave him a second chance. We all deserve a second chance. That is the gospel to me.

I am not ashamed of the gospel of Jesus Christ. He has never left me or forsaken me and I know he never will. No matter what I'm going through right now, trying as it may be, it will pass. It seems so insignificant in comparison to eternity. What am I doing today that will impact forever? What are you doing?

Where Does All The Time Go?

2009-09-02T15:06:00.003-04:00

Wow! Three weeks has passed since I last wrote anything. Where does all the time go? I know many parents are asking themselves the exact same question as they are sending their children off to school this week, and some next week. I know this because they are all posting the same question on their Facebook pages, "Where does all the time go?" To be honest, I don't really know. My life has been a whirlwind of events this past year and sometimes I can't even remember what I did yesterday, let alone last month. My two girls keep me on my feet from about 6:30am until, lately, about 8:00pm. Then, when they go to bed, it's my chance to get things done that I couldn't concentrate on when they were awake. I haven't been getting to bed before 11:30pm for the past few weeks. Less than eight hours of sleep every night has not been treating me well. I have really had to fight hard against irritability and fatigue. So far, I'm doing an "ok" job. But, I find myself really not happy with the way I handle things lately.

Here's what's been going on in my world this past month:

We bought a house! We are so excited we can hardly stand it. We will miss our apartment because it has been a wonderful place to live, but we are ready to have our own place and make Virginia feel more "permanent" than it has so far. It has a huge backyard that is fully fenced, so the girls will have a blast playing outside. There is a wonderful park a block away also. It will be so great to be able to walk there. I will post pictures as soon as I can. We sign papers this Friday and will have the keys in hand! God is so faithful!

I started bible college at Wave Leadership College a couple weeks ago. It is intense, and I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. But, God told me to do it so I know he will provide everything I need to do well. It's already completely changed the way I read the bible and I know I will be forever changed because of this class.

I found out that my Grandpa has prostate cancer and he began treatments last week. They are pretty sure they caught it early enough and are expecting complete remission. I am praying for no negative side effects of the treatment, and that the cancer will be completely gone. I am also praying for strength for my Grandma. Having a spouse who is dealing with cancer is very trying.

My Uncle was diagnosed with a very rare form of cancer last February. He began having breathing problems last week and is now at the University of Washington Medical Center. They are pretty sure that the cancer has spread to his lungs, and possibly other organs. He is in a lot of pain and is swollen so badly that he can hardly walk. He can't breathe without the oxygen tube and even with it, he's struggling tremendously. They really aren't sure what is causing all this because the tests are coming back inconclusive. All they know is that he most likely doesn't have much time left. I am still praying and believing God for a miracle. We are not 100% positive that he has accepted Jesus, so I am hoping to have the chance to pray with him when I go home.

I will be flying home later this month to go through our entire house in Washington to see what we can move here now, and what we can wait for the Navy to move in another year or so. I have mixed feelings about this because I never thought we'd be staying in Virginia. The plan was to come back to Washington in a year, but God had other plans. I am now excited about God's plan and can't wait to move forward into all that he wants me to do. But, I am sad about leaving our home in Washington potentially, and most likely, forever. I miss my family terribly. I miss the mountains. I miss Gig Harbor. However, what God asks us to give up, he replaces 100 fold. We have seen tremendous favor and blessing in our lives since we left everything we knew to follow his leading. I know he will continue to pour out his blessings on us as we continue to obey and serve him.

The girls have been fighting like cats and dogs lately. There are some days when I ask God, "What were you thinking when you made me a mother? I'm SO NOT cut out for this!" There are times when I feel like I am going to burst with frustration. How can two beautiful, precious little girls make my heart swell with love one minute and then fry my nerves the next? I guess that is one of the mysteries of parenting. Something else I'm learning is that no matter how I train them, or what I teach them, sometimes they just do what they're going to do anyway. What a concept, huh? After all, they are their own person. They can choose to do right or wrong just like I can. Of course, I want them to do what's right, but I'd be worried if they were perfect all the time and never made mistakes.

Yesterday, the girls were sitting at their little table eating lunch. I was doing the dishes and saw them out of the corner of my eye. Hailey got mad at Sarah and knocked Sarah's sippy cup on the floor, on purpose. Without hesitation, Sarah threw her fork as hard as she could at Hailey's head. The fork stuck in her forehead and left three little bleeding holes. All I could think of in that moment was, "Thank you Jesus that the fork missed her eye!" I don't know what I would have done in that scenario. It could have blinded her. The other thing going through my mind was, "I can't believe Sarah has such a good arm!" Isn't that a terrible thing to be thinking at that moment? I felt so guilty later, but I'm over it now. Anyway, she threw that fork with such force it shocked me! They were only two feet apart from each other, mind you, but still! So, I put Sarah in her bed for time out while I cleaned up Hailey's head. Then I proceeded to let Sarah know that she was going to have a spanking for throwing her fork. So, we got that over with and then we snuggled. I made her apologize to Hailey and then all was well.

These are the kind of situations where I have to think fast, and that hasn't been so easy for this mommy's tired brain. Yet, I had everything I needed to take care of the situation. God is so awesome like that. He knows what we go through as moms and he takes care of us because WE are his children and he loves us even more than we love our children.

Another story from this week is about my little Sarah. She was playing in the living room a few days ago and I was in the kitchen doing, you guessed it, dishes. She was wearing just her diaper because that has been her outfit of choice lately. She came up to me and held out her little hands saying, "Mama, my hand aw dwirty." At first glance, I thought she had gotten into the peanut butter that I was eating with my apple slices. So, I smelled her hand and oh. my. gosh! It was poop! It was covered in poop! She had stuck her hands down her diaper and decided to dig around in there. I was mortified and totally grossed out. So, I quickly took her to the sink and washed her hands, then changed her diaper and put her in the bathtub. I then surveyed the rest of the living room and was praying the whole time that I wouldn't find poop anywhere else. Well, he must have heard me because everything else was poop free. Hallelujah! I really thought I was going to throw up.

So, as you can see, my life has been full of events. Some are good, some are not, but all of them make me more aware of just how much I need Jesus to help me through my days. I truly don't know what I would do without him. I like change, we need change, but sometimes change is overwhelming.

Tonight is Hailey's open house at her new school. I can't believe I have a kindergartner! I don't feel like I'm old enough to have a 5 year old, which leads back to the question of, "Where does all the time go?" I remember so vividly when both the girls were born. Now here they are, their own little independent people. They are precious, intelligent, caring, compassionate, beautiful girls, everything I prayed they would be. Why is it that I want so much for them to stay young, but am so excited for them to grow up at the same time? I am really looking forward to Hailey starting school. She's ready, I'm ready. I guess I just feel like I should be like all those other parents who are hanging on to their children for dear life and want to keep them home forever. It's like that's what your expected to feel. Well, part of me wishes that they could just stay small, but another part of me is ready for them to branch out, start school, grow up. I've come to the conclusion that it's ok to feel both. I will be teary-eyed next Tuesday when I walk Hailey to her class, but I am so excited for her. She can hardly wait for school. I want to keep her excited about school as much as I can because it will help her to do well.

I'm glad that I still have Sarah home with me for the next two years. At least I can slowly ease into the fact that someday my kids will be gone all day and I won't know what they're doing every second. That thought is a little unnerving at times. But, I know that they are protected and I will not spend my days worrying about them to the point of anxiety. Well, I must be going now. I need to get dinner ready and get the house ready for the babysitter. To all the parents out there, I wish you a happy and stress-free start to the school year!

What Is Your "Self-Talk" Saying To You?

2009-08-10T22:22:00.003-04:00

I know it's been a while since my last post. A lot has been going on these past two weeks. We've been busy this summer getting together with friends, taking the kids to gymnastics, playing in the pool as much as possible, and being really involved with church and cell groups. We had our 2009 Wave Conference last week and man, am I filled up! I'm still trying to wrap my mind around all of the awesome teaching I received, the amazing worship, tons of people coming to Christ, and most of all, the words that were spoken to me by the Holy Spirit.

You know how I told you a while back that I was struggling to hear God's voice? Well, I've kind of been in that place ever since. Not totally, but there have been some things that I've really been seeking the Lord on and just haven't had the answers yet. Well, he answered me this week. I am in awe of how his timing is impeccable. Like I've said before, I don't always like his timing. However, I have learned from several experiences to trust his timing above my own.

The one thing that was the most surprising, ironic, crazy, whatever the word is, was that the answer I got regarding a specific prayer was exactly the thing I was running away from. Someone told me a long time ago to pay attention to my "self-talk" when it comes to asking God what he wants me to be doing. For instance, if you find yourself saying things like, "I'll do anything but _____", or "I'll do _____, but I could, or would, never do _____," you need to pay attention to those things because chances are, that is what you are supposed to be doing. Don't tell God what you're willing to do, just tell him that you're willing to do whatever he wants you to do. Let him use you where HE wants you, not where you want you. He can see things in us that we can't see. All we have to do is trust him and just be a vessel for him to use in any capacity he chooses.

Before the conference, I felt like I was in a desert place in my spiritual life. No one around me would have guessed that I was struggling, but I was. I was starting to wonder when I would get back to the place in my life where I was hungry again for the Word of God, hungry for worship, for his presence. I was so wrapped up in the "schedule" of church life that I wasn't able to fully receive from the Lord when I was there. Well, the main focus of the conference was change, and I have changed. I went into the conference hoping for a real encounter with God and that's exactly what happened. Lives were changed all across our church and I'm so excited to see what happens next. I haven't been in the presence of God like that in a long time. It felt SO good!

What I am going to work on now is my negative "self-talk". What I perceive about myself usually isn't positive, but it should be. I need to focus on the promises of God and how he sees me. It's how God sees me that matters most. I will leave you with a couple of quotes from Pastor Leon Fontaine. He said, "Feelings are simply what we say to ourselves about our experiences." He also said, "Personal significance is never achieved, it's only received."