Wow! What a couple of months this has been! I wrote a post called Getting Off The Boat Soon back in October. I was talking about the "diagnosis" that I got for the vertigo I've had all year. The doctor wanted to put me on a certain medication that he told me I'd have to take for the rest of my life in order to control constant retaining of fluid. He also wanted to give me a steroid shot directly into my ear canal. Yeah, I wasn't thrilled about either one of those instructions. But, more than that, I didn't feel right about it. God gives us someone called The Holy Spirit to guide us and give us those "feelings" that something just doesn't seem quite right. God also gave us a "gut feeling" and common sense.
Here we are, almost five months later, and I now know the real reason for this vertigo. It is not the original diagnosis. I had a root canal about six years ago, right before I found out that I was pregnant with Sarah. I went to an Endodontist but, unfortunately, she didn't have the same equipment that they do now. She did the best she could with what she had, but it turns out that I have a fourth canal in my tooth that she wasn't able to see on the x-ray. So, she cleaned the other three canals and sealed up my tooth. I was supposed to go and have a crown put on the tooth, but once I knew I was pregnant, she wanted to wait until after I had the baby to do any further dental work. She had put in a temporary filling and said it would be fine as long as I didn't eat anything super sticky with that tooth. Great! No worries! However, no one could have prepared me for what happened in the 26th week of my pregnancy.
I got a call on November 14th, 2006 from Josh at about 6am. He had just been informed by his Dad that his younger brother, Aaron, had been killed instantly in a car accident in the middle of the night. Our family is very close, so this was devastating news for us. We flew to California that afternoon with Hailey, who was about 2 1/2 at the time, and walked into a situation we were not prepared to deal with. The following morning, the pastor was at my in-law's house and we were going over funeral arrangements. Josh and I had to handle a lot of the details because his parents simply couldn't. Josh's Aunt was in the kitchen talking to his other Aunt, who was on her way from Maryland to be with us. She had a layover in Chicago and had checked her messages. She had a message from Josh's Uncle that their son, Josh's cousin, had been shot and killed in Iraq the day before. At the time, all we heard come from the kitchen was the sound of Josh's Aunt saying, "Oh my God, no!" We all went running in to see what was wrong and she told us the news. It was too much.
I grabbed my cell phone and ran out of the house and down the street to the cul-de-sac. I tried calling my sisters, but they didn't answer. My parents were in Cabo San Lucas and I couldn't reach them. So, I called my pastor's wife and told her what was going on. It was so much grief, and so awful. I started having contractions that night and my Doctor told me that I had to calm down and rest as much as possible. Well, that really wasn't possible. We had Hailey with us, we had details we had to attend to. Details that no brother and sister-in-law should ever have to do, but we had to.
I know that I'm going the long way around in getting to the point of how this relates to this vertigo, but please bear with me. I ended up getting hold of my parents and they, being the amazingly awesome parents they are, cut their vacation short and flew to California to help us with Hailey, and to be a support and a strength for us. I have never been more grateful to them in my entire life. We got through the funeral, barely, and began the next couple days before it was to be Thanksgiving. We already had planned to be there for the holiday and would have been there to see Aaron in just three short days...God had other plans.
While we were dealing with all of this, back home, our house was being prepared for a major addition/renovation. We got a call from our contractor that the hole they had dug had flooded and that they had to pump it out, which ended up costing us more money of course. Many other things were not going as planned, and the stress of everything finally consumed my pregnant body. By the time we got home, the pain in my feet had begun again. I had been doing really well up until the day of the phone call. Hailey started waking up, I kid you not, over ten times a night and continued to do so for over two years. There were contractors in our house at all times, sawing, nailing, pounding, etc. for months. I ended up getting a wheelchair at home about six weeks after we got home from California. I couldn't walk for eight months. I couldn't stand up for more than a minute. The pain in my legs and feet was so bad, and my contractions never stopped, so I was put on bed rest. I had to be anyway because of the pain. We had to hire a nanny to take care of Hailey and I because I couldn't even cook meals for us. It was all I could do to just get into my wheelchair and wheel myself into the kitchen to answer questions for the contractors. Finally, I ended up just having them come into my room to talk to me. I was so embarrassed.
The pressure of the baby was really adding to the pain in my legs, so my Doctor allowed me to come in for an amniocentesis. On Valentine's Day, I got the news that Sarah's lungs weren't quite ready yet. I sank further into despair. I really thought that I was going to get to have her that day. The doctor said that she was going to wait and see if the fluid changed and that she would call me if it did. I got the call I had been waiting for on February 16th. I was to go to the hospital at 3:00 that afternoon to have my baby girl. I was so excited and so scared at the same time. Riding in the car was absolute torture for me, but I had to do it.
I had a c-section and delivered a beautiful, healthy Sarah Ashlyn Markley. I thought for sure that once she was born, the pressure would be relieved and the pain in my legs and feet would go away again. I was wrong. I was in even more pain due to even more lack of sleep. Now, on top of Hailey waking up every 30-45 min. throughout the night, Sarah was waking up to be fed and changed several times as well. So, our nanny stayed on with us for the next several months and the stress of that financial burden, on top of the addition to our house, just made things worse. Don't get me wrong, she was amazing! And we needed her. But, everything that had happened in those six months was just too much to handle. Our marriage was pretty rocky, our tempers were hot from being so exhausted, and I asked God every day, "Why is this happening to us? Why is this pain happening to me?" It didn't really do any good to be angry with God, but I was. And I was becoming resentful towards Hailey for something she really had no control over. We found out about a year after things settled down and I was out of my wheelchair again that she has something called Sensory Integration Processing Disorder. I won't explain what that is, but it explained everything that she had been going through for over two years. A couple more years later, we found out that she was allergic to wheat and cow's milk. I vowed that I would never be resentful toward my children again, and that if something was going on with them, that I would investigate and not give up until we found it. There is much more to my story regarding this time frame of life, but I will save it until later.
I've said all this to say...I never went back to get my tooth fixed. As you can tell, I was a little pre-occupied. We ended up moving to Virginia when Sarah was about 18 months old. A few months after we got here, my tooth really began to bother me. I found an awesome dentist and he x-rayed my tooth, found it was infected, put me on an antibiotic, and when it was healed, filled it and put a crown on it. That was two years ago. I forgot about it, thinking everything was fine. Then, a couple months ago, I started having numbing sensations in my jaw. When I would put my face lotion on, pain would shoot down my neck from my jaw line. So, back to the dentist I went. He x-rayed it and compared it with the x-ray from two years ago. It was worse. So, he sent me to an awesome endodontist about a month ago who uses a microscope to do his work. He discovered the fourth canal and said it looked like a petri dish. The infection in my jaw is so bad that a large portion of my jawbone isn't even there anymore. It will take about a year for it to regenerate the bone and for the infection to completely heal. He said that I've been fighting this silent infection since the original root canal, six years ago. Finally, it had gotten so bad around this time last year, that the pressure and inflammation from the infection began putting pressure on the nerves that run up into my ear and also to the base of my neck, thus creating the vertigo.
I am happy to report that the vertigo is about 75% gone! Praise the Lord! Who would have ever guessed that all of this horrible dizziness, nausea, headaches, body-aches, etc. would be caused from an infection in my tooth? So, the moral of this story is..."GO TO THE DENTIST!!!" Haha! But seriously, I have been learning more and more about the scary things that can happen to your body because of dental issues that go unsolved. You would think that I would have felt more pain before now, but the pain I deal with in my legs and feet is so much worse that I think I just didn't notice it as much. Not to mention what I've been going through with my stomach and having Celiac disease. I'm sure part of the vertigo is related to that as well, but the majority was my tooth. How crazy is that? And how awesome is it that getting my tooth fixed almost immediately solved the problem?! Wanna know what I asked God after I left the dentist? "Why on earth didn't you tell me this sooner??" Hey, I'm not perfect. But this time, I wasn't angry with God. I was thankful. I praised Him for revealing this to me and I praise Him for all that I have learned by going through this journey. I don't need to know why it took so long for this to come about. All I know is that God loves me and he's been with me every step of this year. Actually, every step of my life.
So, I know that I went the long way around in getting to the reason for this vertigo. And you probably really didn't need to know everything in between. But, I pray that it blesses you in some way. That's the only reason why I share my story with you, honestly and openly. I share it with the hope that it will encourage someone. That you would know that God loves you beyond what you could ever imagine...even if it doesn't feel like it. Even when you walk through the valley of the shadow of death. Even if you are ill for years. He cares about you. He had a purpose for your life. And he will use anything you have gone through for His glory. Anything.
I should have more test results concerning my stomach/pain issues in the next week or so. They have determined that there is a problem, and that my body is creating antibodies in my blood that are attacking the tissue in my body. The next test should tell them what is causing this to happen. Thank you to all who have been praying for me. I can feel the prayers and they mean more than you'll ever know. May God bless you this week.
Love, Tracie
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
I Know A Secret
It's pretty quiet in my house at the moment...a rare moment indeed. The girls are eating pancakes and watching cartoons, and Lewis (our puppy) is on his bed happily chewing on a new toy. I am also eating pancakes and trying to think of a reason why I shouldn't be completely content. After all, these are really good gluten free pancakes, if I do say so myself. The truth is, I've been thinking about the secret to being content in all circumstances and wondering why it's still so hard sometimes.
Paul said in Philippians 4:11-13, "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."
When you read those scriptures, can you find the secret to being content? The secret is that we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength. We can draw on His power for strength and He will give us what we need in any circumstance. At times, I catch myself reverting back to my own strength. I try my plan first and when it fails, then I go to God for help. What can I say? I'm a dummy. No, I'm just human. I am a person who likes to solve problems, whether they be my own or someone else's. I don't like suffering, and I sure don't like watching other people suffer. So, if there's something I can do, I do everything I can to help the situation...but, here's my problem. What do I do when I've done all I can do and I still can't solve the problem? What do I do when I follow my Doctor's advice to a 'T' and I still have the problem? Even more, what do I do when I've gone to Jesus and I STILL have the same problem? Can I still be content? The answer is Yes!
Is it easy to be content when you are in pain? Let's be honest. No, it's not easy. But, it's possible. Am I saying you should be content to stay in pain? No! But you can be content in the pain. There's a big difference between being content while you're in pain and being content to stay in pain. I know when I wake up in pain every day that God is with me. I know that His grace is sufficient for me and that if I just keep breathing, he'll do the rest of what I need to make it through the day. I am content in his presence. As long as I know with all my heart that he is with me, which I do, then I know I'm going to be OK. I know that His power is made perfect in my weakness. However, I am not content to stay in this pain.
I know it sounds like I'm contradicting myself when I say that I'm content in pain, but I'm not content to stay in pain. God's will for us is to be healed and whole. He came to set us free from pain, but at the same time, he said we should expect it. These are some of the mysteries that I've been thinking a lot about lately. I will never attempt to "figure God out" because that would be impossible. But, I do want to continue to learn everything I can about his character, about how he operates. If I didn't spend so much time reading and learning about how much he loves me, I would be a really confused and depressed person. Because why on earth would a loving Father let his child suffer for so long? I used to ask that question a lot. I don't anymore. When you know that someone loves you so much that they would even let you continue to suffer if it meant that something really great was going to happen as a result, then you can be content in the suffering.
Romans 5:3-5 says, "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."
James 1:2-4 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
I think letting perseverance finish it's work is the hard part. When you're in pain and exhausted to your core, you don't want to persevere. You want to give up. But, victory is gained when you keep on going, keep on persevering, keep on trusting, keep on believing, keep on hoping...never give up!
A friend of mine posted the following picture on Facebook a couple days ago and it really sums up what I'm trying to say.
I don't want to be the person who gives up right before my breakthrough. I want to be the person on top who is charging forward, equipped with the tools that are going to get me to my treasure, my promise; full of hope and determination. Is the work easy? No way. Is it worth it? Absolutely. I am doing my best on a daily basis to be content in my circumstances, but not be content to stay in my circumstances. I know I will succeed because I know God is with me. I know he loves me, and that's all I need to know.
Paul said in Philippians 4:11-13, "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."
When you read those scriptures, can you find the secret to being content? The secret is that we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength. We can draw on His power for strength and He will give us what we need in any circumstance. At times, I catch myself reverting back to my own strength. I try my plan first and when it fails, then I go to God for help. What can I say? I'm a dummy. No, I'm just human. I am a person who likes to solve problems, whether they be my own or someone else's. I don't like suffering, and I sure don't like watching other people suffer. So, if there's something I can do, I do everything I can to help the situation...but, here's my problem. What do I do when I've done all I can do and I still can't solve the problem? What do I do when I follow my Doctor's advice to a 'T' and I still have the problem? Even more, what do I do when I've gone to Jesus and I STILL have the same problem? Can I still be content? The answer is Yes!
Is it easy to be content when you are in pain? Let's be honest. No, it's not easy. But, it's possible. Am I saying you should be content to stay in pain? No! But you can be content in the pain. There's a big difference between being content while you're in pain and being content to stay in pain. I know when I wake up in pain every day that God is with me. I know that His grace is sufficient for me and that if I just keep breathing, he'll do the rest of what I need to make it through the day. I am content in his presence. As long as I know with all my heart that he is with me, which I do, then I know I'm going to be OK. I know that His power is made perfect in my weakness. However, I am not content to stay in this pain.
I know it sounds like I'm contradicting myself when I say that I'm content in pain, but I'm not content to stay in pain. God's will for us is to be healed and whole. He came to set us free from pain, but at the same time, he said we should expect it. These are some of the mysteries that I've been thinking a lot about lately. I will never attempt to "figure God out" because that would be impossible. But, I do want to continue to learn everything I can about his character, about how he operates. If I didn't spend so much time reading and learning about how much he loves me, I would be a really confused and depressed person. Because why on earth would a loving Father let his child suffer for so long? I used to ask that question a lot. I don't anymore. When you know that someone loves you so much that they would even let you continue to suffer if it meant that something really great was going to happen as a result, then you can be content in the suffering.
Romans 5:3-5 says, "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."
James 1:2-4 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
I think letting perseverance finish it's work is the hard part. When you're in pain and exhausted to your core, you don't want to persevere. You want to give up. But, victory is gained when you keep on going, keep on persevering, keep on trusting, keep on believing, keep on hoping...never give up!
A friend of mine posted the following picture on Facebook a couple days ago and it really sums up what I'm trying to say.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Smile
Sometimes it's really easy to smile. Sometimes it takes everything you've got to make a smile happen. I sing this little song to myself when I need a reminder to smile. I thought I would sing it to you too, and I hope it makes you smile...
"This is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it!"
I CHOOSE to smile!
Monday, January 9, 2012
...And A Happy New Year!
It's been several weeks since my last post. It's amazing how December flies by! Every year, for me anyway, December seems to go by the fastest. In some ways, I wish time would slow down at Christmastime. I have to admit that this year, I was kind of happy that it went by quickly. I was ready for the New Year. I kept thinking that if I could just get through the end of 2011 then I could breathe a sigh of relief. 2011 has been a rough year...one of the worst I've had. So, I was happy to say goodbye to it. However, a lot of truly wonderful things happened in 2011 as well. When I stopped to think about it last week, it became so silly to me that I was waiting for January 1st, 2012 in such anticipation. It's just a date on a calendar. The same issues I had at 11:59pm on December 31st, 2011 didn't magically disappear as soon as the clock struck midnight. It's a bit like the Cinderella story in reverse. She knew her wonderful, happy experience would end when the clock struck twelve. And here I was waiting for mine to begin when the clock struck twelve. It's just silly.
I don't think there's anything wrong with being filled with hope for a brighter future. We should be because we have a reason to be! I think we should all be hopeful and content wherever we're at. But relying on a date on the calendar to change your life is just crazy. That's why I never make New Year's resolutions. Not really anyway. I know that my willpower will be the same, my procrastination skills will be the same, my body will be the same, and that waiting for a certain date to make any changes in those areas is just crazy. If I really wanted to change, I should have done it prior to the New Year. We're not guaranteed tomorrow, so if there's something you want to change about yourself or your situation, and you have the power to change it, then what are you waiting for? Get on it! Don't take for granted that you wake up each morning with a new chance, but more importantly, new grace and mercy from God.
I had a dream last night that I almost died. I hate it when I dream things like that. It doesn't surprise me that I had funky dreams because I'm reading a book right now that will, in the end, be therapeutic. But right now, it's stirring up a lot of emotion and a lot of flashbacks from certain events in my past. So, I just have to get through the initial phase of this healing process and I know I'll be better when it's over. Besides, God is with me, and that's how I have complete confidence that this process is going to help me and not harm me. He led me to the physicians I'm seeing, who are helping me through this, and so I know that all is well. It is well with my soul.
I was really encouraged yesterday morning at church by a friend and pastor who I admire very much. God is so good and he knows when we need to hear an encouraging word. God uses people, he uses you and me to bless others. I have found that the easiest way to get out of my own funk is to call someone up and encourage them. It's always eye-opening when you listen to God and do what he says. It's not just a coincidence when He asks you to do something for Him and then you're totally blown away by the result of obeying what he told you to do and seeing someone completely blessed. If you're willing to be used to be a blessing to someone, then he will most certainly use you. But, you have to be willing whether you "feel like it" or not. It's usually the times when I definitely don't feel like it that He decides to use me. Because then, I'm operating in His strength and not my own flesh.
I feel like this post is a little rambley and disorganized. It's probably because that is how my mind has been for the last couple months. I have so many things rolling around in my head, and even though I know that writing them down will help, I've had incredible writer's block lately. Well, I'm determined to not let that continue. Writing is therapeutic, it's something I really love. So, it makes sense that I would be attacked in that area. What do you love? What's therapeutic for you? Do you find that "time-squashers" get in the way of you doing those things? I am realizing that I need to protect these things that I love to do and make sure that the time-squashers don't steal them away from me. Because, in a way, when I don't protect them I feel like I lose myself again. I don't want to lose "Tracie" anymore. It's easy to do when you're a Mom. It's easy to lose who YOU are. It's easy to let go of the things you love to make sacrifices for your family. However, it's really crucial that you don't let that happen. Take time for yourself no matter what. It will rejuvenate you.
Well, there is much more that I could say, I suppose. I'm very blessed to have a wonderful husband who has been there for me as I've been so scatter-brained lately. And I'm so grateful for my kids who remind me that life is much more simple than I try to make it sometimes. And I'm thankful for my crazy puppy who is a wonderful companion...most of the time. You know, like when he's not eating couch pillows, or picture frames, or my cashmere gloves. You know, things like that. :) I pray you all had a lovely Christmas and a very Happy New Year. I'm really excited for what this year holds. I already have a renewed sense of hope and can imagine myself completely healthy and free from pain. That is a miracle in and of itself. It begins in your heart, and complete dependence on the One who knows every hair on your head. Imagine where you want to be. Think about it, dream about it. Stay focused on the present, not the past, and always keep hope alive. The best is yet to come!
I don't think there's anything wrong with being filled with hope for a brighter future. We should be because we have a reason to be! I think we should all be hopeful and content wherever we're at. But relying on a date on the calendar to change your life is just crazy. That's why I never make New Year's resolutions. Not really anyway. I know that my willpower will be the same, my procrastination skills will be the same, my body will be the same, and that waiting for a certain date to make any changes in those areas is just crazy. If I really wanted to change, I should have done it prior to the New Year. We're not guaranteed tomorrow, so if there's something you want to change about yourself or your situation, and you have the power to change it, then what are you waiting for? Get on it! Don't take for granted that you wake up each morning with a new chance, but more importantly, new grace and mercy from God.
I had a dream last night that I almost died. I hate it when I dream things like that. It doesn't surprise me that I had funky dreams because I'm reading a book right now that will, in the end, be therapeutic. But right now, it's stirring up a lot of emotion and a lot of flashbacks from certain events in my past. So, I just have to get through the initial phase of this healing process and I know I'll be better when it's over. Besides, God is with me, and that's how I have complete confidence that this process is going to help me and not harm me. He led me to the physicians I'm seeing, who are helping me through this, and so I know that all is well. It is well with my soul.
I was really encouraged yesterday morning at church by a friend and pastor who I admire very much. God is so good and he knows when we need to hear an encouraging word. God uses people, he uses you and me to bless others. I have found that the easiest way to get out of my own funk is to call someone up and encourage them. It's always eye-opening when you listen to God and do what he says. It's not just a coincidence when He asks you to do something for Him and then you're totally blown away by the result of obeying what he told you to do and seeing someone completely blessed. If you're willing to be used to be a blessing to someone, then he will most certainly use you. But, you have to be willing whether you "feel like it" or not. It's usually the times when I definitely don't feel like it that He decides to use me. Because then, I'm operating in His strength and not my own flesh.
I feel like this post is a little rambley and disorganized. It's probably because that is how my mind has been for the last couple months. I have so many things rolling around in my head, and even though I know that writing them down will help, I've had incredible writer's block lately. Well, I'm determined to not let that continue. Writing is therapeutic, it's something I really love. So, it makes sense that I would be attacked in that area. What do you love? What's therapeutic for you? Do you find that "time-squashers" get in the way of you doing those things? I am realizing that I need to protect these things that I love to do and make sure that the time-squashers don't steal them away from me. Because, in a way, when I don't protect them I feel like I lose myself again. I don't want to lose "Tracie" anymore. It's easy to do when you're a Mom. It's easy to lose who YOU are. It's easy to let go of the things you love to make sacrifices for your family. However, it's really crucial that you don't let that happen. Take time for yourself no matter what. It will rejuvenate you.
Well, there is much more that I could say, I suppose. I'm very blessed to have a wonderful husband who has been there for me as I've been so scatter-brained lately. And I'm so grateful for my kids who remind me that life is much more simple than I try to make it sometimes. And I'm thankful for my crazy puppy who is a wonderful companion...most of the time. You know, like when he's not eating couch pillows, or picture frames, or my cashmere gloves. You know, things like that. :) I pray you all had a lovely Christmas and a very Happy New Year. I'm really excited for what this year holds. I already have a renewed sense of hope and can imagine myself completely healthy and free from pain. That is a miracle in and of itself. It begins in your heart, and complete dependence on the One who knows every hair on your head. Imagine where you want to be. Think about it, dream about it. Stay focused on the present, not the past, and always keep hope alive. The best is yet to come!
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Pain Is Just Pain, Right?
Someone said to me a long time ago, "Pain is just pain. Period. Pain takes on many things other than what it is when we attach negative emotions to it. Things like fear, anger, depression, anxiety, etc." I've been thinking about this a lot this week. It's one of those subjects that kind of makes my head spin a little bit. I think the reason is because, for me at least, pain is a cycle of all of those things and a vicious one at that. Pain in its true form really is "just pain". However, pain that is chronic begins to cause people to attach other things to it, emotional things. The area of the brain that processes emotion is very close to the area that processes pain. I'm now a firm believer in the doctors who discovered the "mind-body connection". Our minds and our bodies are very much connected. I'll give you some examples of how we can begin to attach emotions to our pain.
The first example would be a simple one. Let's say I slam my thumb in a door. I would usually have a reaction of, "Ouch! Dang, that hurts! (Or, depending on the injury, other words may come out. After all, I'm not perfect.) Anger is usually the first emotion, followed by annoyance at the fact that now I have to deal with the throbbing for a while and it will be at the forefront of my brain until the initial shock and pain begin to wear off. However, these are short-lived emotions because I know that my thumb will heal and it will feel better relatively soon. Things like fear and depression don't come into play here. I don't need to be afraid of the pain because I know exactly what is causing it and I know what will fix it. I also know that there is an end to it.
The second example is a little trickier. Let's say I break my arm. I may have the same reaction at first of some anger and annoyance, but it's a lot more painful than slamming my thumb in a door, therefore, other emotions may come into play. Things like fear..."What if the bone doesn't heal correctly? What if I need surgery? What if I lose mobility?" Questions like that. What if you had a special event planned that night and you can't go now because of your arm? What emotions might attach themselves to the pain? Anger, disappointment, depression (depending on how much I was looking forward to the event), etc. Beyond any immediate plans being ruined, now I have to wait for the bone to heal, which will mean that I will be impaired and inconvenienced for several weeks. However, these emotions are most likely going to be relatively short-lived as well because I know that I will be getting my cast off in a matter of weeks, maybe a couple months. I know that there will be an end to it.
The third example is the example of my life. The pain in my foot started about 16 1/2 years ago with a tiny stress fracture in the bottom of my foot. I went on a long and very steep hike and apparently my shoes weren't supportive enough to handle all the tree roots and rocks along the way. About a week after the hike, I was starting to not be able to walk very well, especially barefoot. It felt like there was a rock in the bottom of my foot underneath my third toe. So, I went to the foot doctor. He x-ray'd it and told me I had a stress fracture and that he'd give me a walking boot and some orthotics, along with a strong anti-inflammatory drug, and that I would be fine in 4-6 weeks. "Great! I thought." I was annoyed, yes. I was frustrated because it was my driving foot and I did a lot of driving for my job. It was very painful. But, aside from just the pain and frustration of it, there really wasn't any other emotions attached. I knew there would be an end. Or so I thought...
What has transpired over the past 16 years was beyond anything I ever expected to come from a stress fracture in my foot. The pain began to creep up into my ankle, then my calf, then knee, then hip, etc. Then it jumped over to my left foot and leg and up into my right arm and the side of my face. This process took years, but is now a daily part of my life. It's hard to explain the pain, but it resembles what I think it would feel like if an animal was gnawing on me, mauling me. The nerve pain is incredibly sharp and takes my breath away. I have constant spasming in my right foot, toes, and calf that began in 1997 and hasn't stopped since. Talk about annoying! When I'm "at rest" I still don't feel like I'm resting because my toes are moving non-stop. There are many other sensations that are almost impossible to describe, but all of them are pretty much like torture. I'm telling you this to show you how I've allowed myself to attach many emotions to the pain over the years.
Long-term pain is exhausting. Not just physically, but mentally as well. It's full of disappointment. I can't tell you how many things I've missed out on over the years...things that were incredibly important to me, and to the people I love. Things I felt were stolen from me...relationships, college, career, friendships, ministry opportunities, Christmas programs my kids were in, vacations, the list goes on and on. This type of continual disappointment led to major depression, which led to hopelessness and anger, which led to bitterness and resentment, and finally, grief. I wish I would have learned sooner how to live in the moment and just deal with the moment only instead of the past, the moment, and the future all in one. I'm still learning how to do that. It's really, really difficult.
We humans are future thinkers. We were designed that way. However, worrying about the future isn't in the plan. Planning for the future, being hopeful for the future, those things are in the plan. I think what chronic pain does is it makes the future uncertain. Fear of the future and the unknown begins to set in. It happened to me because something that I thought was going to have an end never came to an end, and it's still going strong all these years later. It didn't help when the doctors that I was expecting to have answers for me didn't have the answers I wanted to hear. Most of them didn't have answers at all. It took ten years for me to be diagnosed with what is now called Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. Once I was diagnosed, I was told that because it hadn't been caught in the early stages that there was nothing they could do for me other than strong pain medication, or a spinal pump, and even that wasn't guaranteed to provide significant relief. I was devastated.
I've said all of this to say, just be aware of your emotions when you are dealing with pain. Even something as simple as slamming your thumb in a door. The best advice I can give anyone in pain after dealing with pain for so long is to give everything to God, with thankfulness, every single day. If you have to give the pain to God 100 times a day because you keep trying to take it back on yourself, then so be it. I've said before that some things are much easier to cast at Jesus' feet and leave there than others. Pain that is intense and unrelenting is very hard to hand over at times because it's so "in your face". Yet, Jesus bore our pain on the cross. He bore the pain and the sin of the world so that we could be free from pain. So, know how much He loves you and give your pain to him to handle. I know I sure can't handle this pain on my own. I've tried and failed countless times. Also, know that the pain we experience here on earth WILL come to an end. Above all, stay close to Jesus and be in His Word as much as you can. It will strengthen you, encourage you, and remind you that you are not alone. No matter what you've been through because of the pain, no matter what you've lost, no matter the rejection you may have experienced, God is for you, He is with you, and He loves you. He says in Isaiah 41:9-10,
"I took you from the ends of the earth,
from its farthest corners I called you.
I said, ‘You are my servant’;
I have chosen you and have not rejected you.
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
My goal for 2012 is to remember that pain is just pain, and to not attach all these other negative emotions to it. Part of me thinks it's going to be a bit impossible because I'm a highly emotional person, but I'm sure gonna try my best. My other goal is to laugh as much as possible. I'm sure laughing through tears will be happening on a consistent basis, but hey, tears are always better with laughter mixed in. I will also be praying for those of you who are in pain as well. We are all in this life together, so let's encourage one another. And remember, everyone is going to be in pain at some point in their life, so be gentle with people. People in pain don't always look like they're in pain. Take it from a professional "game-facer"! Love one another and the rest will fall into place.
The first example would be a simple one. Let's say I slam my thumb in a door. I would usually have a reaction of, "Ouch! Dang, that hurts! (Or, depending on the injury, other words may come out. After all, I'm not perfect.) Anger is usually the first emotion, followed by annoyance at the fact that now I have to deal with the throbbing for a while and it will be at the forefront of my brain until the initial shock and pain begin to wear off. However, these are short-lived emotions because I know that my thumb will heal and it will feel better relatively soon. Things like fear and depression don't come into play here. I don't need to be afraid of the pain because I know exactly what is causing it and I know what will fix it. I also know that there is an end to it.
The second example is a little trickier. Let's say I break my arm. I may have the same reaction at first of some anger and annoyance, but it's a lot more painful than slamming my thumb in a door, therefore, other emotions may come into play. Things like fear..."What if the bone doesn't heal correctly? What if I need surgery? What if I lose mobility?" Questions like that. What if you had a special event planned that night and you can't go now because of your arm? What emotions might attach themselves to the pain? Anger, disappointment, depression (depending on how much I was looking forward to the event), etc. Beyond any immediate plans being ruined, now I have to wait for the bone to heal, which will mean that I will be impaired and inconvenienced for several weeks. However, these emotions are most likely going to be relatively short-lived as well because I know that I will be getting my cast off in a matter of weeks, maybe a couple months. I know that there will be an end to it.
The third example is the example of my life. The pain in my foot started about 16 1/2 years ago with a tiny stress fracture in the bottom of my foot. I went on a long and very steep hike and apparently my shoes weren't supportive enough to handle all the tree roots and rocks along the way. About a week after the hike, I was starting to not be able to walk very well, especially barefoot. It felt like there was a rock in the bottom of my foot underneath my third toe. So, I went to the foot doctor. He x-ray'd it and told me I had a stress fracture and that he'd give me a walking boot and some orthotics, along with a strong anti-inflammatory drug, and that I would be fine in 4-6 weeks. "Great! I thought." I was annoyed, yes. I was frustrated because it was my driving foot and I did a lot of driving for my job. It was very painful. But, aside from just the pain and frustration of it, there really wasn't any other emotions attached. I knew there would be an end. Or so I thought...
What has transpired over the past 16 years was beyond anything I ever expected to come from a stress fracture in my foot. The pain began to creep up into my ankle, then my calf, then knee, then hip, etc. Then it jumped over to my left foot and leg and up into my right arm and the side of my face. This process took years, but is now a daily part of my life. It's hard to explain the pain, but it resembles what I think it would feel like if an animal was gnawing on me, mauling me. The nerve pain is incredibly sharp and takes my breath away. I have constant spasming in my right foot, toes, and calf that began in 1997 and hasn't stopped since. Talk about annoying! When I'm "at rest" I still don't feel like I'm resting because my toes are moving non-stop. There are many other sensations that are almost impossible to describe, but all of them are pretty much like torture. I'm telling you this to show you how I've allowed myself to attach many emotions to the pain over the years.
Long-term pain is exhausting. Not just physically, but mentally as well. It's full of disappointment. I can't tell you how many things I've missed out on over the years...things that were incredibly important to me, and to the people I love. Things I felt were stolen from me...relationships, college, career, friendships, ministry opportunities, Christmas programs my kids were in, vacations, the list goes on and on. This type of continual disappointment led to major depression, which led to hopelessness and anger, which led to bitterness and resentment, and finally, grief. I wish I would have learned sooner how to live in the moment and just deal with the moment only instead of the past, the moment, and the future all in one. I'm still learning how to do that. It's really, really difficult.
We humans are future thinkers. We were designed that way. However, worrying about the future isn't in the plan. Planning for the future, being hopeful for the future, those things are in the plan. I think what chronic pain does is it makes the future uncertain. Fear of the future and the unknown begins to set in. It happened to me because something that I thought was going to have an end never came to an end, and it's still going strong all these years later. It didn't help when the doctors that I was expecting to have answers for me didn't have the answers I wanted to hear. Most of them didn't have answers at all. It took ten years for me to be diagnosed with what is now called Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. Once I was diagnosed, I was told that because it hadn't been caught in the early stages that there was nothing they could do for me other than strong pain medication, or a spinal pump, and even that wasn't guaranteed to provide significant relief. I was devastated.
I've said all of this to say, just be aware of your emotions when you are dealing with pain. Even something as simple as slamming your thumb in a door. The best advice I can give anyone in pain after dealing with pain for so long is to give everything to God, with thankfulness, every single day. If you have to give the pain to God 100 times a day because you keep trying to take it back on yourself, then so be it. I've said before that some things are much easier to cast at Jesus' feet and leave there than others. Pain that is intense and unrelenting is very hard to hand over at times because it's so "in your face". Yet, Jesus bore our pain on the cross. He bore the pain and the sin of the world so that we could be free from pain. So, know how much He loves you and give your pain to him to handle. I know I sure can't handle this pain on my own. I've tried and failed countless times. Also, know that the pain we experience here on earth WILL come to an end. Above all, stay close to Jesus and be in His Word as much as you can. It will strengthen you, encourage you, and remind you that you are not alone. No matter what you've been through because of the pain, no matter what you've lost, no matter the rejection you may have experienced, God is for you, He is with you, and He loves you. He says in Isaiah 41:9-10,
"I took you from the ends of the earth,
from its farthest corners I called you.
I said, ‘You are my servant’;
I have chosen you and have not rejected you.
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
My goal for 2012 is to remember that pain is just pain, and to not attach all these other negative emotions to it. Part of me thinks it's going to be a bit impossible because I'm a highly emotional person, but I'm sure gonna try my best. My other goal is to laugh as much as possible. I'm sure laughing through tears will be happening on a consistent basis, but hey, tears are always better with laughter mixed in. I will also be praying for those of you who are in pain as well. We are all in this life together, so let's encourage one another. And remember, everyone is going to be in pain at some point in their life, so be gentle with people. People in pain don't always look like they're in pain. Take it from a professional "game-facer"! Love one another and the rest will fall into place.
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