Huff 'N Puff

Why do I find parenting so difficult these days? Seriously, I am really wondering if I was truly meant to bear children. I am now 100% in agreement with the statement that children show you what your weaknesses are. Man, is that the truth! Just when I think I'm doing a pretty good job, I fly off the handle again. Of course, it could be the fact that I have the worst toothache I've ever had that is shooting pain down my neck and into my collar bone. I have a screaming headache because my eyes are still blurry and I'm squinting, even though I'm really trying hard not to. I am really fighting against worrying about my vision getting sharp enough to truly never need glasses again. I am about to have a visit from my monthly terrorist (My apologies to any men who may be reading this. But hey, you have women in your life so you know it just comes with the territory.) I just got a holy butt kicking from God yesterday so I am full of emotions about that. Don't get me wrong, it was a good thing. I needed to hear it. But, how many of you know that while instruction from the Lord is wonderful, conviction sometimes isn't such a wonderful feeling? I didn't say condemnation, I said conviction. The Holy Spirit doesn't condemn us, but he corrects and convicts. So, perhaps it's my physical pain coupled with my emotional overflow that has me in such a tizzy and feeling like a terrible mother. Well, terrible is a strong word I suppose. I know I am not a terrible mother. I just wish I could get a grip and never yell at my kids ever again.

I get a wonderful magazine every couple of months that is meant to uplift mothers and encourage them in their high calling of motherhood. It does encourage me...most of the time. Then there are days like today when I wonder why I am not more like these other women. These are mothers of seven children or more, usually up to ten. And they want even more than they already have! AND they home school each and every one of them and grow all their own food as well. Well, not all of them grow their own food, but a lot of them do. It's everything I can do to just make it through the day with two kids, let alone ten. Maybe I shouldn't read this magazine anymore. I should be inspired thinking that if these women can do it, then what am I whining about? Instead, I am left feeling even more like there is something wrong with me. Please understand, I love my children with all my heart. I would die for them, I want only good things for them, I see Jesus in them. But, am I wrong for only wanting two? I am trying to teach them the ways of the Word, but am I being an example of Christ to my kids? I think I do a pretty good job most days, but not today.

I don't expect perfection of myself, and I certainly don't expect it of my kids. Most of the time they are just being two and four with normal behaviors that one would expect of children their age. Then there are other times when I wonder who has taken control of them and I think that there is no way these screaming, kicking, spitting children could come from ME. And then I pause and evaluate me and my behavior. How do I process life sometimes? Just like my screaming, whining, kicking children. I become "childish" instead of "childlike". (I talked about the difference between these two in an earlier post.) I imagine that Jesus is looking down at me and wondering the same thing I wonder about my kids. "What in the world is she freaking out about? Doesn't she know that I'm right here to help her? Why is she whining and complaining? All she has to do is just come before me and boldly, without whining, and tell me what she needs. I am ready to answer her. I already know what she needs. I long to give it to her, but I need her to calm down so that she can hear what I have to say. Please, Tracie, just calm down and I will help you. I will give you the peace and rest that you need."

Now, I don't know if that is what Jesus is thinking, but that's what I think sometimes when my kids are freaking out. I long to solve their problem and help them but, I can't do anything for them while they are in freak-out mode. And I certainly don't feel the desire to make all their wishes come true when they come at me with that whining tone that grates on my nerves even more than nails on a chalkboard. It angers me to my core after twelve straight hours of whining and fighting. They love each other so much and yet they fight like crazy. I'm sure my sisters and I were the same way, but my memory is a bit fuzzy about that. I do remember when we were older and were fighting, my Dad would put us all in one of our bedrooms and tell us we couldn't come out until we had resolved whatever issue we were having with each other. We'd start out with our arms folded, huffing and puffing (in fact, my Dad used to call me "huff 'n puff".) Gee, I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree in the case of my four year old, Hailey. We've just begun the folding of the arms and the huffing and puffing. It's really great. Anyway, my sisters and I would start out that way and then in a matter of a half an hour, we'd be giggling and whispering and we'd emerge from the room as best friends all over again. My kids are too young for this tactic, but I'm hoping one day that it will work for them. At this point, frequent breaks from each other seem to work the best.

I guess I just want to be a better parent, and I need to stop whining about it and just go to God and ask him boldly for HIS wisdom on how to parent MY children. There are tons of books and articles and web sites out there that tell you how to parent. But they don't know my kids, they don't live with my kids. They don't know exactly what my children need. What works for them will not always work for everyone else. I need to go to the One who created my kids, who loves them more than I do. He is the ultimate parenting resource. He is the ultimate parent. I have a wonderful earthly father who I admire greatly, but Jesus is my Abba Father. He created me, he knew me before I was even a thought in my parents' mind. He must have known that I would be suitable for parenthood. The doctors told me that I may never be able to have kids for various reasons, but I knew I was going to be a mother. It is my highest calling. No matter what the other callings on my life are, they will never be more important than raising godly children. If there was ever a generation that needs to be trained in the ways of the Lord, it's now. They must be prepared for what lies ahead. It is my job to get them ready for whatever the Lord will call them to do. My children are anointed by God. I have known that since the day they were born. I trust the Lord that He will give me what I need to train them up in the way they should go.

I apologize for my earlier ranting. I feel much more peaceful after getting some things off my chest. I am now going to enjoy a lovely bowl of soup so that I don't have to chew. I will be calling a dentist tomorrow and will hopefully put an end to this toothache very soon. Press on my fellow mommy's. We will make it and we will see the fruits of our labor emerge from our beautiful children.