Tonight, I'm Angry

What I'm about to say may shock you.  Listening to my 7 year old say her bedtime prayers tonight made me really angry.  Now, let me explain.  I listened to her pray her sweet prayers for our family and friends, and then the usual random things like for God to sew up her Lammy (her lovey), or just bring her a new one for Christmas, etc.  But then she began to pray for me.  What came out of her little heart broke my heart.  She prayed for God to heal me so that I wouldn't have to lie on the couch anymore.  So that I could go to Motorworld with her, and other fun places.  So that I wouldn't have to cry so much anymore...and a few other things I can't even remember now because I had already started crying by that point.  (While trying to hide it from her, of course, since she had just prayed that I wouldn't cry anymore.)  Sigh.  I didn't get angry until after I left her room. 

I went in my room and lied down on my bed and this anger started to stir in me.  Anger that is from a deep place inside of me.  Anger that has been in my heart since I was 18 years old.  Anger at pain.  Anger at loss.  Anger at rejection.  Anger at fear.  Anger at...so many things.  I feel like I've been robbed of so much.  If I'm really being honest here.  Don't get me wrong, I am incredibly thankful and grateful for my life.  I have much more to be thankful for than not.  This is not a pity party and it's not to get people to feel sorry for me.  I'm just exercising my freedom to write down what I feel and share it with people who want to read it.  The only reason why I share my feelings and parts of my story is because of the hope I have that someone will read it and be encouraged by it.  Or at the very least, that they will be able to relate to it in some way and know that they are not alone.

I have been in pain almost every single day for the last 17 years.  When I really sit and think about that, I'm kind of amazed that I'm not a total nut case by now.  I remember how angry I was for so long.  Angry at what?  A lot of things, I guess.  The devil, for one.  I know he's played a major part in this area of my life.  Myself.  For not realizing sooner some of the things I know now that could have saved me years of grief.  My boyfriend of almost 3 years, who broke up with me because I couldn't mountain bike with him anymore.  My first husband, for publicly humiliating me when I was in pain, among many other abusive things.  My friends, who abandoned me because I couldn't go out with them anymore.  The loss of a college education, because I couldn't walk across campus or sit in a classroom to focus because the pain was so bad.  The doctors, who didn't have a clue what to do with me and told me it was all in my head.  The list goes on and on.

Tonight, I am not angry about any of those things anymore.  I have long since forgiven the people who have hurt me, and everything else regarding those issues has been resolved.  Tonight, I guess I am angry at the situation.  I'm exhausted.  I'm frustrated.  I'm done with this.  Having said that, because I'm not actually "done with this", I know that my job is to keep going, no matter how difficult it is.  My job is to stay thankful and grateful for all of the blessings in my life.  But can we keep it real for just a sec?  In the words of my amazing Dad this morning, "I'm a Christian, but I'm also human."  In my humanness, I'm angry.  I don't want to be in pain anymore.  I don't want to have vertigo anymore.  I want to get on with what God has called me to do.  I want to be a Mom that can take my kids anywhere they want to go.  I want to be a wife to my husband; one that doesn't fall asleep on the couch every night at 8:00.  I want to snowboard with him, and maybe even water-ski someday.  I want to go hiking (if I can find some real mountains around here.)  Most of all, I want to fly to Honduras and meet the little girl that I have been sponsoring for 8 years.  I want to hug her and tell her how often I think of her and her family.  I want to go on missions to rescue young people from sex trafficking.  There are so many things that I want to do, but can't.  Yet.

This anger that I'm feeling is going to be fuel that ignites an even deeper passion to do all that I can with the resources I have while I'm waiting for my healing to come, because it is coming.  I can still use what's in my hands, even if it's not what I want at the moment.  Paul says in 2 Corinthians 4:16-18, "Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us and eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."  There have been many times over the past 17 years when I've just wanted to lie down and quit.  Just give up.  I've never been able to do that though because that would mean I'd be giving up on God.  He's never given up on me, so I will never give up on him.  Paul concentrated on experiencing the inner strength that comes from the Holy Spirit.  He didn't let pain, fatigue, or criticism force him off the job of serving the Lord, and neither will I.

Anger is not an emotion that you want to hang onto for long.  However, in my case tonight, I'm going to put it to good use.  I'm going to turn up the heat on the devil and make sure he knows just who he's messing with when he messes with me.  I am a child of God.  He messes with me, he messes with God.  Just like when someone messes with my kids, they mess with me.  And you can guarantee they won't get away with it.  I am going to get up every day and put on the armor of God, because I will need it.  "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.  Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand." ~ Ephesians 6:12-13.  Later on, in verses 19 & 20, Paul says, "Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains.  Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should."  I am amazed at his words.  He was in prison, yet he was undiscouraged and undefeated as he wrote those powerful words to the Ephesians.  He didn't ask them to pray that his chains would be removed, but that he would continue to speak fearlessly for Christ in spite of them.  I'm not in physical chains right now, but I do feel like I'm chained to pain.  However, God can use us in any circumstance to do his will.  Even as we pray for a change in our circumstances, we should also pray that God will accomplish his plan through us right where we are.  I know his eternal purpose, and that is what is getting me through nights like tonight.