Unacceptable

Do you ever feel unacceptable?  Like you've messed up so badly that there's no way you could ever recover, or make it up to the person you hurt?  I have.  And even though I haven't consciously been feeling that way lately, apparently I have been feeling it on a subconscious level for many years.  Wanna know how I know that?  Because I just burst into tears over this one sentence in the commentary of my Bible.  "We approach God, not because of our own merit, but because Jesus, our great high priest, has made us acceptable to God."  I didn't realize until I burst into gut-wrenching sobs that this has been something I have been holding deep inside myself for many, many years.  I haven't felt truly acceptable to God because of things that I did in my past; mistakes I made that were, to me, so terrible because I had broken vows I made to God.  I didn't make the vows with the intention of breaking them, but because I am human, I fell into temptation and sinned.  You may be thinking, "What's the big deal?  So you sinned?  So what.  God has already forgiven you."  I know all that is true, but it doesn't do my soul much good if I haven't truly forgiven myself and if I haven't truly accepted his forgiveness.

How silly does it sound to ask someone for forgiveness, they truly forgive you, you know they've forgiven you, but you still feel unacceptable to them?  What happens when that happens?  You begin to strive, not in a good way, to feel acceptable to that person.  You put all this pressure on yourself to be some sort of "perfect" person to overcompensate for the guilt and shame that you still feel deep inside.  You have to be the best at everything you do.  For me, it was to be the best employee, the best girlfriend, the best wife, the best Mom, the best friend, the best sister, daughter, grand-daughter, church volunteer, etc., etc., etc.  It's not a bad thing to strive to do your best, when it's for the right reasons.  However, I've been striving to be acceptable to God when, in fact, I have been acceptable to him all along.

The passage of scripture I was reading before I read the commentary was John 16:16-33.  It was just a few hours before Jesus was going to be tortured and then nailed to the cross to die, and he was talking to his disciples.  They were having a hard time understanding what Jesus meant when he said, "In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me."  Jesus explained to them that this was their time of grief, but that he would see them again and they would rejoice, and that no one will take away their joy.  In verse 23-24 he said to them, "In that day you will no longer ask me anything.  I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.  Until now you have not asked for anything in my name.  Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.  Though I have been speaking figuratively, a time is coming when I will no longer use this kind of language but will tell you plainly about my Father.  In that day you will ask in my name.  I am not saying that I will ask the Father on your behalf.  No, the Father himself loves you because you have loved me and have believed that I came from God.  I came from the Father and entered the world; now I am leaving the world and going back to the Father."

Jesus was talking about a new relationship between us as believers and God.  Previously, people approached God through priests.  After Jesus' resurrection, any believer could approach God directly.  Hebrews 10:19-23 says, "Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water.  Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."

When Jesus died and rose again, he broke all the barriers between us and God.  We are free to pray to God any time we want.  Not only that, but we are to draw near to him with our hearts full of faith that when we ask him to forgive us, he really does forgive us.  That's it, the end.  Micah 7:18-19 says, "Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance?  You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy.  You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea."  When God forgives us, he forgives us completely.  It doesn't mean that there won't be consequences for our actions, depending on what we've done.  However, no matter the consequences we have to face, we can have confidence knowing that we are OK with God.  It may take years to make things right with another human being, but not with God.  God delights to show mercy.  He is glad when we repent and offers forgiveness freely to those who ask. We need to know that as important as it is to believe that God truly has forgiven us, it's just as important that we also forgive ourselves.  We must not be too proud to accept God's free offer.  When we do that, it cheapens what Jesus did on the cross for us.  To me, that is unacceptable.   

Even though I have known all these things to be true, for some reason I have been holding on to guilt and shame that I should have let go of the very instant I prayed for forgiveness many years ago.  In fact, I'm sure I thought that I had because it's not like I've been dwelling on my past sins all these years, on a conscious level anyway.  But, I know there's an issue when I burst into tears over a single phrase, "...Jesus, our great high priest, has made us acceptable to God."  I don't have to strive to make myself acceptable to God.  I already am because of what Jesus did on the cross.  Of course, I am still going to live a life that is pleasing to God to the best of my ability, but not with the same drive behind it...like I'm trying to make something up to him.  No, out of a surrendered heart and a desire to do His will, because I love him.  Because He loves me.