Before And After

10 Days Ago...

Today I feel like a weary soldier.  There have been many days over the past seventeen years that I have felt this way, but today is different.  I am just plain exhausted.  I am not much of a complainer, and I won't start now, but the truth is that I am in pain from morning until night every day.  Somebody said to me recently that they were surprised I wasn't crazy by now.  Frankly, I'm kind of surprised myself.  :)  Want to know why I'm not crazy?  One word.  One person.  Jesus.  He is the reason I am still alive.  His help is what gets me through each and every moment of the day.  Some days are better than others and I praise him for the good days.  During the bad days (like today) I still praise him.  However, I must admit that it's a lot more difficult on the bad days.  I mean, can we be real with each other?

I am usually really good about fighting through the pain and getting done what needs to be done for the day.  And, I can usually pull it off with a smile on my face.  I don't keep a smile on my face to be fake.  I am the furthest thing from fake.  I genuinely want to smile at the people I see each day, so I do.  At home, with my family, I still try to smile and not complain too much.  But lately, I just haven't been able to hide the tears.  For me, crying releases the stress that the pain causes.  Unfortunately, it's been taking a toll on my kids.  Yet, somehow I think that a deep compassion is growing in them.  Not just for me, but for others who are hurting as well.  I've been noticing that lately.  They want to give their toys to kids who are sick. 

I am reminded every day that God is at work through all of this.  I kind of hope that whatever he's working on will be complete soon, but in the meantime I am trying to focus on the good things that are happening.  Like the fact that my marriage is getting stronger because of this.  And that my love for my kids grows deeper each time they write me a get well note, or draw me a picture, or wrap their little arms around me and rub my head while they tell me that everything is going to be OK.  As much as I wish they didn't have a reason to do that, I cherish each of those moments.  It helps to make the not-so-pleasant moments a little more bearable.  Like when they are disappointed because I can't take them some place, or ride bikes with them after school, etc.  It breaks my heart every time I see them disappointed.  What's even more frustrating is that I do my best for them, but sometimes my best is just to snuggle with them on the couch and read books.  What I am beginning to realize is that my kids are going to be just fine in spite of all this.  I spent a lot of time stressing over what this is doing to them and wondering if they are going to be scarred for life.  But, it does no good to stress about the future...

Today...

I didn't post what I wrote 10 days ago, and I'm not sure why actually.  I think one of the kids needed something and I hadn't had time to spell check and edit, so I just saved it as a draft.  But, now I think I know why I didn't post it.  Nine days ago I went to a women's prayer group for the first time.  Oh how I have missed being a part of a small group of women who pray for each other, and stick by each other in love and honesty.  You seriously can't put a value on that.  Anyway, these women (most of whom I didn't know very well, or at all) rallied around me as I fell apart and poured out my heart to them.  I told them that I wanted to give up, and that I didn't have the energy to walk through the pain anymore.  They prayed over me and listened to the Holy Spirit as to what He wanted them to tell me to encourage me.  It was painful and refreshing at the same time. 

Sometimes when God needs to do a deep work in your heart, there can be even more pain as things are brought into the light that have been hiding in the deepest, darkest part of your heart.  Yet, as soon as the light hits it, that's when the refreshing comes.  Once evil is exposed, it runs away from the light, from the truth.  It can't live in the light.  The trap of our enemy is to keep these things that are weighing us down in complete darkness so that we feel lost, so that we can't handle it anymore and want to give up.  That's why it's so important for us to gather with people we can trust and admit that we need prayer.  There is no shame in admitting that you need prayer.  Even our pastor at church admits from the pulpit that he needs our prayers.  It doesn't matter what your title, position, level of fame, level of intelligence, etc. is...we all need prayer.  We all need to pray for each other.

On that day 9 days ago, God revealed things to me that I've been asking him to reveal for over 15 years.  What a blessing!  I still have pain, I still deal with the same issues I had before, but not nearly as intense as before.  I know God is healing me.  The evil that was trying to keep me in darkness and keep me blind to the things that needed to be exposed is now on the outside looking in.  I have a new hope in my heart for my future, which I desperately needed.  It's a lot easier to face pain when you feel like YOU have the upper hand, so to speak.  The crazy thing is, I have had the upper hand all along!  I just lost sight of that in the midst of suffering.  I also have a new measure of joy from the Lord, which truly is my strength. 

"Praise be to the LORD,
for he has heard my cry for mercy.
The LORD is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in him, and he helps me.
My heart leaps for joy,
and with my song I praise him.
The LORD is the strength of his people,
a fortress of salvation for his anointed one."
~ Psalm 28:6-8

I am grateful beyond words that the Lord is my helper.  He doesn't leave me too long in the wilderness.  I will always be in awe, and might I admit, slightly frustrated about His timing compared to my timing.  :)  I think the same could be said for just about everyone.  We all would like our "rescue" to come a little sooner than it does at times.  However, it's in the waiting to be rescued where our character is built.  It's where our faith is tested.  It's where our trust in God and His Word is strengthened...at least it should be.  It's where the "rubber meets the road."  It's where you find out who you really are.  To quote my pastor, Steve Kelly, "Adversity introduces you to yourself."  How true that is.

Along this journey of suffering, I haven't liked what I've seen in myself.  Yet, how can you get to the good stuff until you get rid of the bad stuff?  The key is to not give up when you see the bad stuff in yourself, but to keep going!  Keep digging out the bad to make room for the good.  Don't be afraid to be emptied by God, because He won't leave you that way.  He will pour into us good things, shiny and precious things, that will fill us to overflowing so that we can share those things with others.  When you see the bad stuff surfacing, ready to come out, let it out!  Don't try to hide it anymore!  Let the light hit it because once it does, it's gone.  Just gone.  God is not going to display our bad stuff in the light for all to see and condemn us for it.  No!  It hits the light and it's gone. 

"You, LORD, are my lamp;
the LORD turns my darkness into light."
2 Samuel 22:29

"For God, who said, 'Let light shine out of darkness,' made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.  But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.  We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." ~ 2 Corinthians 4:6-9

"Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." ~ 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

What we go through in life is not a coincidence.  The trials and suffering I've endured will be different from anyone else.  The suffering you endure will be unique to you as well.  There's a reason for that.  God has placed each of us where we are to be a light to those who need Jesus.  The people you can reach in your world are not the same people I can reach in my world.  God will use the trials you've gone through to bless the people who need to be blessed by your story.  Paul had faced sufferings, trials, and distress as he preached the Good News.  But he knew that they would one day be over, and he would obtain God's rest and rewards.  No matter what happens to us in this life, we have the assurance of eternal life, when all suffering will end and all sorrow will flee away.

In the meantime, while we are waiting for that glorious day, keep your heart open to God.  Let him expose the darkness with the light of His love so that you can be filled with His power.  Let your trials become your greatest testimony of God's love and faithfulness.  He will never let you fall.  He will rescue you at just the right time.  Be patient.  Be willing to go through the process of healing.  Don't be in a hurry and miss the opportunities you have to grow while you are "in process."  You will come out of your trial overflowing with the precious things that have replaced the ugly things, ready to share the love of God with those around you, and even those far away from you.  Your testimony can change some one's life.  Let it.