It's been several weeks since my last post. It's amazing how December flies by! Every year, for me anyway, December seems to go by the fastest. In some ways, I wish time would slow down at Christmastime. I have to admit that this year, I was kind of happy that it went by quickly. I was ready for the New Year. I kept thinking that if I could just get through the end of 2011 then I could breathe a sigh of relief. 2011 has been a rough year...one of the worst I've had. So, I was happy to say goodbye to it. However, a lot of truly wonderful things happened in 2011 as well. When I stopped to think about it last week, it became so silly to me that I was waiting for January 1st, 2012 in such anticipation. It's just a date on a calendar. The same issues I had at 11:59pm on December 31st, 2011 didn't magically disappear as soon as the clock struck midnight. It's a bit like the Cinderella story in reverse. She knew her wonderful, happy experience would end when the clock struck twelve. And here I was waiting for mine to begin when the clock struck twelve. It's just silly.
I don't think there's anything wrong with being filled with hope for a brighter future. We should be because we have a reason to be! I think we should all be hopeful and content wherever we're at. But relying on a date on the calendar to change your life is just crazy. That's why I never make New Year's resolutions. Not really anyway. I know that my willpower will be the same, my procrastination skills will be the same, my body will be the same, and that waiting for a certain date to make any changes in those areas is just crazy. If I really wanted to change, I should have done it prior to the New Year. We're not guaranteed tomorrow, so if there's something you want to change about yourself or your situation, and you have the power to change it, then what are you waiting for? Get on it! Don't take for granted that you wake up each morning with a new chance, but more importantly, new grace and mercy from God.
I had a dream last night that I almost died. I hate it when I dream things like that. It doesn't surprise me that I had funky dreams because I'm reading a book right now that will, in the end, be therapeutic. But right now, it's stirring up a lot of emotion and a lot of flashbacks from certain events in my past. So, I just have to get through the initial phase of this healing process and I know I'll be better when it's over. Besides, God is with me, and that's how I have complete confidence that this process is going to help me and not harm me. He led me to the physicians I'm seeing, who are helping me through this, and so I know that all is well. It is well with my soul.
I was really encouraged yesterday morning at church by a friend and pastor who I admire very much. God is so good and he knows when we need to hear an encouraging word. God uses people, he uses you and me to bless others. I have found that the easiest way to get out of my own funk is to call someone up and encourage them. It's always eye-opening when you listen to God and do what he says. It's not just a coincidence when He asks you to do something for Him and then you're totally blown away by the result of obeying what he told you to do and seeing someone completely blessed. If you're willing to be used to be a blessing to someone, then he will most certainly use you. But, you have to be willing whether you "feel like it" or not. It's usually the times when I definitely don't feel like it that He decides to use me. Because then, I'm operating in His strength and not my own flesh.
I feel like this post is a little rambley and disorganized. It's probably because that is how my mind has been for the last couple months. I have so many things rolling around in my head, and even though I know that writing them down will help, I've had incredible writer's block lately. Well, I'm determined to not let that continue. Writing is therapeutic, it's something I really love. So, it makes sense that I would be attacked in that area. What do you love? What's therapeutic for you? Do you find that "time-squashers" get in the way of you doing those things? I am realizing that I need to protect these things that I love to do and make sure that the time-squashers don't steal them away from me. Because, in a way, when I don't protect them I feel like I lose myself again. I don't want to lose "Tracie" anymore. It's easy to do when you're a Mom. It's easy to lose who YOU are. It's easy to let go of the things you love to make sacrifices for your family. However, it's really crucial that you don't let that happen. Take time for yourself no matter what. It will rejuvenate you.
Well, there is much more that I could say, I suppose. I'm very blessed to have a wonderful husband who has been there for me as I've been so scatter-brained lately. And I'm so grateful for my kids who remind me that life is much more simple than I try to make it sometimes. And I'm thankful for my crazy puppy who is a wonderful companion...most of the time. You know, like when he's not eating couch pillows, or picture frames, or my cashmere gloves. You know, things like that. :) I pray you all had a lovely Christmas and a very Happy New Year. I'm really excited for what this year holds. I already have a renewed sense of hope and can imagine myself completely healthy and free from pain. That is a miracle in and of itself. It begins in your heart, and complete dependence on the One who knows every hair on your head. Imagine where you want to be. Think about it, dream about it. Stay focused on the present, not the past, and always keep hope alive. The best is yet to come!
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