The title of this post is going to be my new motto in life..."Seek, don't freak." Well, I'm going to try for that anyway. I've been the same way my entire life... When I receive bad news, I freak out first, and then I come to my senses later. Later could be a couple hours, or a couple days, depending on the news. My new goal is to immediately seek God first and not freak out at all. It's a goal that I know won't be easy to attain without some major struggling against my flesh. However, I know I can attain it. I know because God is with me and he is my helper. He is the one who is going to help me reach this goal, with HIS strength, not mine.
The past few years have been a series of "bad news" years. There have been a lot of very difficult things that my family and I have been walking through, both my immediate and extended families. Deaths, diseases, serious family problems, etc. We all have our "stuff" that we go through, and we all handle bad news differently. Some people immediately clam up and don't talk or show any emotion for a while. Some people cry hysterically and freak out, and then become rational later. Some people get really angry and question God right away, and then maybe, at some point, they realize that they have no reason to question God and they stop being mad at Him. Some people never stop being mad at God. Like I said earlier, I react differently depending on what the news is. What I want to be able to do is not "react", but to take the situation to God immediately and let my emotions be open and honest before him, in his presence.
There's no way I can expect myself to never get upset when I receive bad news, especially if the news is tragic. That would be completely unrealistic. What I can expect of myself is that I do my best to not freak out first, but to seek God first; to immediately ask for his peace and comfort and help with the situation.
I received my second set of test results last week regarding which foods are causing my body to create antibodies in my blood. I freaked out first. Who could blame me? Chocolate was on the list! Seriously though, there were other things on the list that I eat on a daily basis now that I've had to be gluten free. When you remove those foods, you pretty much remove the bulk of what I've been eating for the past year. This is actually good news, although, I really didn't see it that way at first. The good news is that (so the doctors say) if I remove these foods from my diet, my intestines will finally be able to heal. My pain level should go down as time goes by. However, when I first got the results, all I could think of was having to give up even more than I already am... how it was going to be even more difficult to go to a restaurant with my family or friends... how the thought of never eating chocolate again was just too much to handle in that moment. Really, it was. That may sound stupid to you, but if you're a major chocolate lover like me, you will completely understand my grief. (I'm writing this and smiling, just so you know. It does sound a bit dramatic to be grief stricken over chocolate.) What I realized though, was that it was about more than just the food.
People with serious food allergies can relate to what I'm saying. It's emotional. Food is important. The kitchen is where people gather, the dinner table is where memories are made, a favorite restaurant is where you go to share a great meal and spend time with your family and friends. You talk about the food and how delicious it was. You share off each other's plates and say things like, "Try this, it's amazing!" You don't worry about cross-contamination and the fact that 3 out of the 4 things on their plate will cause you to be insanely sick. You just eat, drink, and be merry. Right? Not for me. And not for the millions of others who have food allergies.
For us, our kitchen becomes a quarantined zone. You are the warden and feel personally responsible and on guard against anything that you are allergic to coming into "your zone." Then you feel bad when people come over for dinner, or your spouse or kids want to eat what you're allergic to. You want them to be able to enjoy the things that you can't eat, but at the same time, you're watching them like a hawk to see everywhere their food has been so that you make sure you know what not to touch until you've cleaned it because the risk is too high. You know what's coming if you get contaminated with their food. Foods that you used to enjoy you now view as poison, literally. This is why it's about more than just the food.
So, I freaked out. I ranted. I called my Mom, my sister, a good friend, and I whined and complained and got upset as I told them my news. I was short with my husband and my kids, even my dog. I was overwhelmed. Through it all, my husband just quietly let me vent, and my girls forgave me as soon as I asked them to. I couldn't let them go to bed thinking anything was their fault. I was up until about 3am the next morning just thinking about everything, and I was in pain. I let my emotions get the better of me and it turned into physical pain. I "came to my senses" about 2am after reading my Bible and talking to God. You see, I didn't say that I never seek God when I get bad news. I seek God every time. But, I freaked out first and sought him second. That is what I want to reverse.
So, for my fellow "freakers", let's be seekers. For those of you who handle bad news well, I'd love some tips. :) God bless all of you.
Love, Tracie
P.S. What I forgot to mention is that once I did a little more research about this test I had done, I discovered that the lab was talking about "milk" chocolate, not cocoa. Therefore, I am free to eat as much dark chocolate as I want as long as it's dairy free. Hallelujah!!! That's all I eat anyway! Also, most of the other foods I only have to avoid for a period of time and then I should be able to add them back in later, once my stomach heals. So, the news that was so awful at the time ended up being not so awful once I had my head back on straight. If I would have sought the Lord sooner, I could have avoided a lot of unnecessary emotions. Another lesson learned...again.
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