Day 13: Enough Is Enough!

Dear Readers,

Today has been one of the most exhausting days I've had in a long time. This time, more than physical exhaustion, it's emotional exhaustion. We are having some big challenges with our nine-year-old, some of which you may know about. I was not expecting my Monday morning to begin with screaming and a full on panic attack, but that's how Hailey woke up today. Josh and I were finally able to get her calmed down enough to find out why she was so panicked and stressed, and she was able to go to school. But putting her on that bus, knowing the turmoil she was still working out inside her little heart and body, just about broke my heart.

This is not the first morning I've had to do this this school year. This is one of several mornings where I've had to show "tough love" to Hailey in order to carry on with the day, stay on track, and go to school. No matter what she "feels" like in the morning, nine times out of ten, if she gets on the bus and gets to school she comes home with a smile and says she's had a good day.

I have been a parent less than ten years, so I know I don't know a whole lot yet. However, I do know my kids very well. I know when they are truly sick and when they're faking it. I know when they need to be shown compassion, and not tough love. Even though tough love is almost always necessary with my very strong-willed firstborn, it's not always the best thing. She is extremely sensitive. Always has been. With everything she's gone through over the past eight months, she's become even more sensitive. Josh and I have to be very careful with how we handle her right now. We were seriously considering taking her to the hospital this morning because of how out of control she was behaving. We didn't know if it was another physical reaction to something that she couldn't explain, or what was going on.

Let me tell you something. If I didn't have the Holy Spirit with me every day, guiding me and giving me wisdom on how to handle my children, I'd be sunk. I mean 10,000 leagues under the sea. There are days, like today, where I felt like I was treading water and about to drown in my frustration at seeing my child suffering and not knowing how to fix her. I can't solve the problem if I don't know what it is! I can see the battle going on in her body and I would give anything if I could stop it. However, what would she learn about how to fight for herself if I took over all her battles for her? I went in my garage and cried out to God, "This is not fair!" I was being honest with Him again. I am tired and weary of watching my daughter struggle so much on a daily basis. I cried in the Spirit out of my weakness. And after Josh took the girls to the bus stop, I yelled in the Spirit. I got mad. I took authority over my children and my household, in the name of Jesus. 

Depression, anxiety, panic disorders, mental disorders, chronic pain, many types of cancers, heart problems, celiac disease, diabetes, strokes, the list goes on and on...run in my family. I took authority over all of it and said, "No! Enough! It stops right here! This will not continue in my family, and it will not be passed down to any future generations. This ends NOW!" I was mad. But I was not out of control. It's ok to pray angry prayers when they're directed in the right way. I am the momma bear and I was standing up for my family. It's my job to pray over my children. And praying in the Spirit is the only way that Satan can't interrupt my prayers. He can't understand what I'm praying, therefore, he can't twist my words into anything that would be of selfish or self-pity on my part. I don't even know what I'm praying when I'm contending in the Spirit. But what I do know is that God heard me. I know because I had peace when I was done praying.

I am so thankful for the Holy Spirit. Romans 8:26-27 says, In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. I want to pray in accordance with the will of God, not my will. The only way to do that is to pray in the Spirit (pray in tongues). The Spirit intercedes for me in accordance with the will of God. It takes the pressure off of me to try to know what to pray, or how to pray. The Holy Spirit is my Helper. He prays for me because He loves me.
 
I was once again in a very desperate place this morning. But there is no situation too desperate that God cannot rescue you out of it. There is no pain too great for him to bear for you or lift off of you. There is no problem so mysterious and frustrating that he cannot solve it. God knows exactly what is happening to my daughter. He knows what's happening inside all of us. He is the only one we can trust to give complete control of our lives. Life is a mess. It's hard. Evil is all around and seems to be chasing us down almost every day. But, God is still in control and always will be. Nothing happens without his permission.

That used to be really hard for me to understand. It used to make me question God about why he lets us suffer so greatly. But that was before I allowed suffering to teach me some things. I let God show me that there is divine purpose in suffering. It goes way beyond my understanding. I can deal with my own suffering a lot better than watching someone else suffer. Especially when it's my own child. Yet, even through watching her go through all of this pain, I'm watching it develop in her a compassionate and sensitive spirit. She cares deeply for others who are suffering. I truly believe that God is going to use this for His glory in her life. I know He has called her to something very special. So, while I'm waiting to see what that is, I will continue to fight for her in the Spirit. I will never stop praying and believing for her healing, for my healing. I know it's on it's way. Until tomorrow then...

Love,

Tracie