Some of My Story

This post is probably going to be a long one. Actually, a lot of my posts are long....smile. But, this one will be longer. I shared with you in an earlier post that I have been in and out of wheelchairs for about the past 15 years. I wanted to explain why. I'm going to be very honest and open with you in the hope that someone may benefit from my story. So, here goes. I used to be a very fearful person. I say "used to" because I have greatly improved in this area. I still struggle with fear, but I've learned over the years that what I fear most about a situation usually never comes to pass or, if it does, it's not nearly as bad as what I imagined it would be. When I say I used to be a very fearful person, this is what I mean. When I was a little kid, if I got a headache, I thought I had a brain tumor, if I saw a dark van drive by while walking home from the bus stop, I thought someone was going to pull over and kidnap me, if I lost my voice, I thought I was never going to get it back and never be able to sing again. I hated driving in the snow because I thought for sure we were going to spin out and crash into something and be killed. Every time the eye doctor told me my prescription was getting worse, I was sure I was going to go blind. (I guess I could blame that one on Little House On The Prairie.) You name it, I was afraid of it. It was a horrible way to live. I had so much stress and anxiety all the time. I never took risks like my friends did, so I got teased for being a scaredy cat. I was always worried that I would get some incurable disease of some kind, or hurt myself and become handicapped. Well, that fear actually came true.

I have a chronic neurological syndrome called Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, also called Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Syndrome. You can read about it here. It took ten years for me to be diagnosed. Had my doctors known about it earlier, I probably would have been able to stop the progression of it. As a result, I am now in the chronic phase. I have nerve damage, muscle damage, constant muscle spasms, ostopenia, etc. Some of my earlier symptoms have gone away, and new symptoms have come up over the past few years. It is extremely painful and depressing. I have had to fight against depression and anxiety sometimes on an hourly basis. Fortunately, two years ago I finally discovered the root of my disorder and have been able to heal so much over the last year. There is another syndrome which drives disorders such as CRPS, fibromyalgia, migraines, etc. It may not be the case for everyone, but it was for me. It's called TMS, or Tension Myositis Syndrome. Basically, I had been supressing painful emotions for years and years and my body finally couldn't take it anymore. It had to create a distraction of physical pain to cover up the emotions that were threatening to take over. I have no doubt that this syndrome was present in my life even before I hurt my foot, which was the beginning of a life I never dreamed I'd live.

I was raised as a pastor's kid. I was raised with unbelievable support and love. I was taught all my life that I didn't need to be afraid because God was with me. I was taught that I am the head and not the tail, I am above and not beneath. I was taught that I am a daughter of the King and that I don't have to listen to Satan's lies. I knew the truth, but I didn't practice it. Not truly. I know now what worry and stress can do to the human body. Fortunately, I finally GOT it. I'm not saying that I never get worried or stressed. If you've read my earlier posts, you'll see that it's still a daily struggle for me. But, I don't let it get the better of me anymore. I have to be careful not to dwell on all the "what if's." What if I would have never gone on that hike? What if I wouldn't have lied to my parents? What if I would have just trusted God in the first place? Where would I be now? For the longest time, I felt like this disorder was punishment for all the sins I'd committed. I would yell at God and throw lots of pity parties for myself. I felt free to invite everyone around me to my pity parties as well. I lost all hope for a normal life without pain. I lost a lot of friends, I lost the man I was so sure I was going to marry, I lost the first man I did marry, I lost a lot of sleep, a lot of joy and a lot of myself.

I went through a mourning period a few years back for everything I'd lost. I mourned for my 20's. While all of my friends were away at college having a great ol' time, I was in bed in so much pain I couldn't see straight. My friends would still invite me to do things, but after having to cancel on them so many times, they finally just stopped asking. I looked "normal" on the outside. I didn't have the appearance of someone with a crippling disorder. It was really hard for my friends to grasp the severity of what I was going through. I think that's why I lost some of them. I would always try to put on a happy face and pretend like I was fine. What I should have done was just be honest and tell them the truth about how much pain I was in. But, I was too full of pride to do that. They got to wear the cute little black dresses with the strappy heels, run barefoot on the sand, swim all day, waterski, snowski, dance all night, etc; all the things I couldn't do. I was tired of always having to wear pants because I couldn't wear shoes without socks. My shoes were big and bulky and had to be very supportive. I couldn't walk barefoot, I still have a hard time with that. The bottom line was, I felt ugly. I felt like an outcast. I felt like my dreams of becoming a professional singer were totally squashed. All of the visions and dreams I had for my future were scattered to the wind.

I had forgotten one of the most important things that I was taught growing up. I forgot that what mattered most was how God sees me, not how others see me. That his precious thoughts toward me outnumber the grains of sand on all of the beaches in this world. I saw myself so totally opposite of how He sees me. I saw myself as beaten, worthless, a failure, ugly and weak. He sees me as more than a conqueror, precious, a successful creation, beautiful and strong. I was focusing so much on what I'd lost, that I didn't even see the wonderful things He was doing in my life because of what I was going through. I couldn't see until many, many years after the pain began how His hand was on me the entire time. He never left me, I left him.

A few years ago, I started to recount the events that have transpired in my life because of this disorder. I saw how God used it to protect me from a path that I probably would have gone down, and would have led to nothing but heartache. He used it to birth in me a compassion for the sick and the weak that I didn't have before. It wasn't like I never felt compassion for anyone before my disorder, but now I have empathy for them, not just sympathy. He has used it to prove His faithfulness to me, to prove to myself that I am a lot stronger than I ever thought I was. There are so many good things that have come out of it. Don't get me wrong, any time He is ready to heal me completely, I'm ready! But, in the meantime, I am focusing on Him and what he can teach me through it. I still struggle with "fitting in" and feeling pretty. I still get upset about the fact that I can't walk barefoot on the sand yet (especially now that I live in Virginia Beach!) But, I know it will happen. I know I will be healed. There is an end. He has already begun to heal me and I am confident that His plans for me are good, plans to prosper me and give me a future and a hope.

There is much more to my story, far too much for one blog so I am writing a book. I have no idea when it will be finished. With two small children, it's pretty tough to find a lot of time. But, I will finish it. I don't know if it will ever get published, but it's going to have a lot to do with my healing from the inside out. If you are walking through a valley right now, don't give up! There is hope. You may be at rock bottom. I was. I had to go there in order to get where I am today. Here is a verse I'd like to leave you with. "The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord,have never forsaken those who seek you." - Psalm 9:9-10