"I Am With You"

Today is one of those days when I am really having to fight against my flesh. As I've mentioned before, I struggle with a condition called Tension Myositis Syndrome. It's such a pain in the butt, literally, to deal with this because how I feel physically depends entirely on how hard I fight back against it. I have to do the work, and it's really exhausting. My emotions, and what's going on in my life, sometimes overwhelm me to the point where it causes intense physical pain. The first thing I have to do is identify what the emotion is. It's not always easy to do because a lot of it is subconscious. A lot of the time, I have to really dig and dig until I find it. I have some theories today about why I'm in so much pain, but I'm having a really hard time putting my finger on it. So, it's just going to be a day of crying when I feel the urge and not suppressing any emotions at all. My pain intensifies when I hold back emotion at all on days like these.

Thank goodness my children are being so wonderful today. I think they know when I'm having a rough time and they already have so much compassion, even at two and five years of age. I reassure them every time they see me crying that mommy is ok, and that crying is natural and will help mommy feel better. Now, if I was doing this every day for several days or weeks in a row, then they would have a hard time believing me. Or, they would grow up with a warped sense of what "normal" crying is. But these days are very few and far between. It usually means that I am about to have another breakthrough in this pain disorder. When the pain suddenly intensifies to the point where I can barely walk and I am crying all over the place, I can usually bet that when it finally breaks, I am that much closer to being completely healed.

Sometimes, I just need to let the love that Jesus has for me overwhelm me, like right now. He is healing me slowly and steadily, with great care and compassion. He pushes me, but never beyond what I can bear. There are times when I think that I am going to just die from the pain. Yet, in the midst of it, I feel his arms around me and I hear the Holy Spirit whisper, "I am with you." Whenever I hear that, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it's true. He is preparing me for something that is way bigger than I could ever imagine. I have chosen to remain faithful to Him instead of getting angry and throwing tantrums at the fact that he hasn't just snapped his fingers and healed me instantly. I used to do that and it got me nowhere. I would see all these "other people" being healed instantly and I would ask, "Why not me God? I've been in pain for so long and they've only been in pain for one day!", or whatever the case was. Faithfulness and desperation move the heart of God, not selfishness and tantrums. I want to move the heart of God, not grieve it.

When I think back on all the times I've grieved the Holy Spirit, I wonder, "What was I thinking?" It makes me sad to think of making Him sad. He has done so much for me; he has protected me, he has blessed me when I didn't deserve it, he has provided for me in every way. He deserves nothing but my best. He deserves my undying faithfulness and worship and I will forever seek to never grieve him again. Here's the beautiful thing: I will fail, and that's ok. I've said that before. I'm not aiming for perfection, because that's just not possible. But, God looks at my heart and he sees that it's for him. Everything I do is for Him. That's the hard part at times. I know God has called me to things that scare me, challenge me, and push me. What he has called me to requires sacrifice, and we all know how fun that can be. However, what I've gone through and what I'm going through right now are all preparation for what he's going to use me for. It's all for His glory and I consider myself blessed to be part of His plan. Does it make the pain any easier to deal with? Sometimes I guess. But, pain is not fun at all. Especially when you have two very energetic little girls to take care of and entertain. I want to be down at the pool, or at the park. Instead, we are having a movie marathon and eating chocolate chips together.

What matters most is that my children know I love them and that I'm ok, even when I'm in pain. I want to be an example to them and leave a legacy of strength, courage, and determination. I don't want them to pity me, I want them to learn compassion, which they already have. I want them to see that even though pain has been a part of my life, it will never "be" my life. If you are going through something that has you struggling just to make it through the day, or even the next hour, remember that there is a God in Heaven who loves you. He will be with you wherever you go. Rest secure in that and just keep breathing...