Well, so much for my promise to myself that I wouldn't neglect this blog. You know what though? I am not going to beat myself up about it. My life has been extremely crazy this past month. I flew home to Seattle to pack up the rest of our belongings and get the house ready to rent. It was a much bigger task than I originally anticipated. It was also the week after my Uncle passed away, which made things even harder. All I wanted to do was sit around with my family and just "be" and instead, I had an entire house to pack. I am forever grateful to my family for helping me so much. I could never have done it without them.
I flew home from Seattle and immediately started packing our apartment so that we could move into the home we just bought in Virginia Beach. Let's just say, my attitude was not so great about packing two homes in the same week. But, I got it done and we moved in two weekends ago. Our furniture and all of our things from Washington arrived yesterday, after being delayed five days. Again, my attitude needed serious adjusting. I finally realized that I had no control over the situation and decided to relax about it. So far there are a couple things that were broken, but nothing too terrible. We haven't unpacked all the boxes though, so I am praying that the rest of our things are in the same shape as when I last saw them three weeks ago.
In the middle of all this moving, I am still in bible college and really trying to do well. Our final exam is next week and any prayers would be greatly appreciated. I have loved the class I'm taking on how to study the bible. I can never read the bible the same again. It's awesome! There is so much to the text that I never would have seen had I not learned what I've been taught in the past seven weeks. I am anxious to begin another class but have decided to take the next eight weeks off and begin after the New Year.
Today has been difficult. It was my Uncle's memorial service where they spread his ashes at sea and I couldn't be there. I have been feeling so helpless living across the country from my family. I feel like I should be there helping them, crying with them. I sometimes wish that I wasn't a "grown-up" yet. I remember coming home from school and my mom would be there with a snack waiting to hear about my day. I'd go in my room to do my homework and would smell dinner cooking on the stove. I was warm, I was loved, I was safe. I felt 100% protected by my parents and home was my favorite place to be.
I have been striving to make my home the same way for my kids. I don't always succeed though. Especially when I'm super stressed out and haven't given my cares completely over to the Lord that day. I start having the "superwoman" mentality where I feel like it's my job to take care of everything on my own. Like I'm supposed to be this super strong and powerful person who isn't swayed by the circumstances of life. Yeah, right! I'm a woman! I should know better than to assume that I will always be in charge of my emotions. Not to mention that I'm already dealing with several emotional issues at the same time. Throw in screaming kids, a very tired body, church responsibilities, bills, never ending boxes to unpack, homework, etc., etc. and you've got one lady who is very much on the edge!
Now that I'm done ranting, I would just like you to know that it's ok not to be ok sometimes. I'm not saying you should camp out there for very long, but there are going to be seasons in our lives where we really are not ok. This is one of those seasons for me. Don't misunderstand me. I'm not going crazy, I'm not mentally unable to function. I'm just really struggling right now. I miss my family so much. It was so weird to go to my house a couple weeks ago and sleep in my daughter's room, as a guest. My sister made her room look wonderful and I was very comfortable, but it was just plain weird. I felt like I should have been sleeping in my room, using my shower and my sink. I hope I'm not sounding selfish. That's not my intent. I was just so sad knowing that that was the last time I was ever going to sleep in my house.
I know, it's just a house. But it's more than that because I'm not just leaving the house. I'm leaving my entire family, all my friends, and the town I grew up in and it's not easy. Jesus never said that following him and pursuing his calling on our lives would be easy, in fact, he said just the opposite. He was so right! It's the hardest thing I've ever done. And yet, in spite of all the heartache, I have such a deep peace and I know that I'm going to be ok. I don't feel ok right now, but I know I will. I've already seen the favor of God as I've mentioned in previous posts. There is no doubt in our minds that this is where God wants us. But the heart takes time to heal. It broke my heart to leave and it still hurts. I thank God I have a loving husband and a wonderful church family who are incredibly supportive and wonderful. I'm beginning to see some of the reason why God called us here and I can't wait for more to be revealed.
I just want to leave you with a passage of scripture that always encourages me. It's Psalm 18:28-33: "You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall. As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights."
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