I conquered a fear last night! Well, not so much a fear as just something I was really nervous to do. So nervous that I was literally shaking like a leaf. Two years ago, even one year ago, it was still a fear. I have spent much time and effort in the last few years trying to overcome my fears regarding my feet and legs. Last night, I proved to myself that I can do what God has called me to do now. We know all the scriptures...(ie. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.) But do we really believe them? I used to say that I believed I could do all things through Christ who gives me strength, but on the inside, I was double-minded. It was a really tough day for me when I became aware of just how double-minded I was.
This is the passage of scripture I was reading when I discovered this: "2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4 Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6 But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does." ~ James 1:2-8
When I examined my heart after reading that passage of scripture; when I was truly honest with myself, I realized that all the years I have been dealing with this pain in my feet and legs I've been praying and doubting at the same time. God still began healing me, but I believe the reason why I haven't received my complete healing yet is because of the tiny seed of doubt that is still buried in there. Do I want that seed to be there anymore? No! The only way to get down to that bad seed and dig it out is to start doing things that are seriously uncomfortable. Start exercising my faith little by little, one "scoopful" of dirt at a time. I didn't even realize that the seed was in there until the Holy Spirit revealed it to me in my devotion time with him a few months ago. (Just one more reason why I stress the importance of getting alone with God.) The awesome thing is, the Holy Spirit is so incredibly gentle when he reveals ugly things to us about ourselves, when he convicts us. I did not feel condemned in the slightest, however, I did feel extremely humbled and repentant. That is how I knew it was the Lord.
Sometimes when our true character is revealed it can really be a shock to us! I know it was for me. But we can't truly know the depth of our character until we face trials, until the pressure is on. In those trials is where perseverance is learned. To persevere means: to persist in anything undertaken; maintain a purpose in spite of difficulty, obstacles, or discouragement; continue steadfastly. James said in verse 4 that perseverance must finish its work so that we may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. I've been on the verge of giving up many times over the last sixteen years. There have been some really dark moments in the last few years where I felt that the "waves" of what I was dealing with were going to overtake me. Yet, when I thought about what giving up would mean, there was absolutely no way I could do it. To give up would have meant going against everything God says in his Word for my life. I would have had to deny him and go my own way in order to give up, and that was unacceptable to me. So, I kept going. I'm still going.
I want to show you what the commentary in my bible says about verses 6-8:
To "believe and not doubt" means not only believing in the existence of God, but also believing in his loving care. It includes relying on God and expecting that he will hear and answer when we pray. We must put away our critical attitude when we come to him. God does not grant every thoughtless or selfish request. We must have confidence that God will align our desires with his purposes. A mind that wavers is not completely convinced that God's way is best. It treats God's Word like any human advice, and it retains the option to disobey. It vacillates between allegiance to subjective feelings, the world's ideas, and God's commands. If your faith is new, weak, or struggling, remember that you can trust God. Then be loyal to him. To stabilize your wavering or doubtful mind, commit yourself wholeheartedly to God. If you have ever seen the constant rolling of huge waves at sea, you know how restless they are - subject to the forces of wind, gravity, and tide. Doubt leaves a person as unsettled as the restless waves. If you want to stop being tossed about, rely on God to show you what is best for you. Ask him for wisdom, and trust he will give it to you. Then your decisions will be sure and solid.
I realized after I read that commentary that I was restless, unstable and unsettled. Even after praying, I'd have a temporary peace, but it was very short-lived because I didn't have peace in my mind. How can we have peace in our bodies when our minds are as restless as the waves of the sea? It's just not possible. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that once you've lived with something for so long, you can't imagine your life without it. For me, that something is pain. For you, it could be an addiction, a lust, a hurt, etc. Whatever it is, if you are praying for the Lord to give you wisdom, or for him to solve your problem, or heal you, then you have to truly believe with all your heart that he hears your prayers and that he will answer them. His plans are not our plans and his ways are much higher than our ways. We can't put God on the clock. His timing is perfect. If we force the issue, or get all mad and scream at God it will do us no good. It just reveals more and more of our immaturity. That is why we must persevere if we have any hope of getting where God wants us to go. Persevere in our trial and persevere in our faith and trust in God.
The Lord has told me many times what he wants me to do, and many times I've ignored his promptings out of fear. That is why I am so happy that I didn't quit last night. Whatever it is you're facing, STAND. Don't waiver, don't be restless, don't doubt. The Lord will give you everything you need to run this race for him no matter how many obstacles come your way.
(Mark 11:22-25) 22 "Have faith in God," Jesus answered. 23 "I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea', and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. 24 Therefore, I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. 25 And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."
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