I knew there would come a moment during this 21 day blogging challenge where I would be tempted to throw in the towel and just forget about it. Well folks, this is that moment. I honestly thought it would come more around Day 16, or somewhere closer to the end. And for reasons like: "I've written about everything I can possibly think of. I'm tired of the commitment. Does anyone even care what I have to say anyway, etc." But, Day 9? And on "International Day of Happiness" no less! AND, it's the First Day of Spring too! My day should have been filled with sunshine and roses on a day like today. Well, the sun is shining and the roses are starting to bud, but inside my house that has become whining and fighting grand central station, it's been anything but sunny, and it ain't happy.
Have you ever seen the movie, "Panic Room" with Jodie Foster and the young, 'pre-vampire' Kristin Stewart? I won't get into the details of the movie. I only thought of it today because I was wishing I had a panic room of my very own in my house. Not to protect the kids and I from some bad person who had invaded our house, but to protect my kids from me. I was the bad person. I hadn't completely lost control, mind you, but I was close. I felt the inward volcano in me threaten to erupt, and before it blew it's top, I put the girls in their bedrooms (after literally wrangling my seven-year-old up the stairs), and told them not to come out 'or else.' Then, I put my third child (my dog, Lewis) in his crate and sat down to try to regain my composure.
(Let me just insert something here...If there is a parent reading this right now who has never had the type of day I'm describing, or has never felt that moment in parenting when you are face to face with your little angel, but you're wondering if they've just somehow taken a trip to the land down under, and I'm not talking about Australia, then please call me immediately and tell me your secret. I'm all ears. Moving on...)
For those of you who haven't seen the movie, or don't know what a panic room is, I'll briefly explain it. A panic room is a room in a building that is set up to be safe from intrusion or attack and usually has communications equipment, food, water, etc.; also called a safe room. For example, a panic room is usually set up in the interior of the home where the family can safely retreat during a home invasion or other terroristic threat, and summon help. They are usually sound-proof and reinforced with several inches of steel and a locking mechanism that cannot be compromised. I mean, what parent wouldn't want a room like that to escape to when you're at a breaking point moment with your child?
My panic room would be stocked with necessities like chocolate, novels, and romantic comedies. It would have a comfy couch with fluffy blankets, and some soft music that begins to play when the door is activated and sealed. I would have TV's on one wall that would show me every room in the house. You know, so I could make sure the kids are still safe in their rooms. I would have a phone on the wall with a list beside it of all the "reinforcements" I could call for help. If I lived near my parents, they would be the reinforcements. Because grandparents are magical. They can take a crazy, emotional child and turn them back into a sweet little angel in a matter of minutes with one magic hug. These are the days I really wish my reinforcements weren't 3,000 miles away.
Since I have no panic room, and I have no parentals to rescue me, I'm doing the only thing I knew I had to do. I'm letting it out. I'm sorry you're the one I'm letting it out on, but hey, you can stop reading any time you want. ;) And honestly, I didn't have a clue what I was going to write about today anyway.
I realize that not all days will be like this. I realize that there are also a lot of other extenuating circumstances that are making a day like this seem 10,000 times worse. But I'm also really, really tired of the whining and fighting and am in need of some ideas about how to solve this issue. Any suggestions from those that have gone before me, or those who are currently "winning" in this area would be much appreciated. As much as I want to cherish these moments, I'm finding it very difficult to do it. However, it's days like this that make me really grateful for the good ones.
My children are precious gifts from God. I love being a Mom. I really do. It's the most rewarding, and the most challenging thing I've ever experienced. Being a Mom has taught me a lot about myself. Mostly, that I can be really selfish, and not very patient. But, as awful as this day has been, when my kids go to bed tonight, I will be lying beside them just like I do every night. I will whisper in their ears that I love them, that they're my favorite, and that they're smart and beautiful. I will hold them tightly and savor their still little arms around my neck and their silky blonde hair in my face, tickling my nose. I will burn it into my memory so that I may never forget what it feels like to be unconditionally loved by a child. I wouldn't trade a single day I've had the privilege of raising them. Not even today. Until tomorrow then...
Love,
Tracie
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