Whatever It Takes

(Written on 2/21/13 for the March Issue of Surrender Magazine)

I prayed a prayer a few weeks ago.  It was a simple prayer, but the results of that prayer have been anything but simple.  When you pray a prayer from your heart you better be prepared for an answer, and maybe not the answer you are looking for.  My prayer was this, "God, I want to be healed.  Do whatever it takes to keep me close to you; whatever it takes so that I can accomplish what you've called me to do."  Simple, right?  When I prayed that prayer, I really meant it.  I gave God permission to allow me to experience whatever was necessary to keep me close to him and teach me what I need to know to be effective for him.

I don't know about you, but when life is going well, when things are "easy", when I'm in a groove, when there's no drama, when my body feels great, etc., I get busy and I lose some of my closeness with Jesus.  I don't lose my relationship with him, but I'm not as "tuned in" to hear his voice the way I am when things are a little bit tougher in life.  I don't read as much of His Word as I do during the tougher seasons.  There is nothing wrong with having a full and wonderful life.  It's what God desires for us.  Abundant life is what he desires us to have.  But that abundant life is only truly abundant if we are in constant communication with Jesus.  I need a miracle right now in a couple different areas of life.  I need clear direction from God on some things.  I can't afford to get so busy that I can't hear his voice.  I'm willing to do what it takes to position myself for a miracle.

Even though I did not ask God to keep me in pain, or add more pain, I'm still experiencing it.  But, I'm not upset.  I know myself.  I know how easily I can get distracted.  I know there are many things I still need to learn from God in order to accomplish the things he's purposed for my life.  Most of all, I know God knows me better than I know myself, and I know he loves me.  He knows exactly what I need to go through to continue to be built into the woman he's calling me to be.  He also knows what I need to walk through so that I can be a blessing to others.  He knows I want to help people and only he knows the people I'm going to help, and how.  He knows what they need, so I'm trusting him to teach me what I need to know in order to be a blessing to them.

I want to pray like Jesus prayed. "Lord, not my will but yours be done."  The night that Jesus was betrayed and arrested, he was in the Garden of Gethsemane praying.  He prayed, "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." - Luke 22:42  Jesus knew what was before him.  He wasn't trying to get out of his mission of going to the cross to be sacrificed for you and me.  He was being very real and honest with his Father, God.  He didn't do anything wrong by expressing his true feelings to God.  It's not wrong for us to do that either.  Jesus exposed his dread of what was coming, but he also reaffirmed his commitment to do what God wanted.  I have no idea what's coming, or how long this pain will continue.  God knows I don't want this terrible pain anymore, but he also knows that I am committed to doing whatever it is he wants me to do and whatever it takes to get there.  I want to walk in his will at all times.

I was very ill for a couple years, up until a few months ago.  During that time, I felt about as effective for Christ as a rock laying in the dirt.  I went from being an active volunteer in several areas of church life to lying on my couch or in my bed just praying for God to come back and take me out of my misery.  I couldn't even get to church a lot of the time.  I have realized now that even though I wasn't "out in the field" in a literal sense, I was very much "in the field" in my prayer life, in my blog, in taking care of my kids as best I could, in sending notes to friends that I knew were hurting, in long conversations with friends on my couch about things they were struggling with... I didn't disappear in the way I thought I had, and I wasn't as ineffective as I thought I was.

Maybe you're going through something similar.  Maybe you feel like you aren't where you should be, or where you want to be.  Maybe circumstances are out of your control and you feel completely ineffective for Christ right now.  The truth is, you can do whatever it takes with where you're at.  God only asks that we do the best with what we have and trust Him for the rest.  I wasn't prepared for the "whatever it takes" results.  But, at the same time, I have a joy and a deep peace inside that God heard my prayer and he's answering that prayer in the best way possible.  Even if that means more suffering.  Do I still pray each day that God will deliver me from these painful challenges?  Yes!  Of course!  I'm still honest with him about how difficult it is and how I struggle through the day at times.  But along with that, I thank him for my life and what he's taught me, and what he's teaching me through this.  My test is my testimony, and yours will be too.